Crummy Church Signs

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But is it crummy-proof?
2008-06-10 15:10:00
"Lifetime Warranty. Vandal Resistant. Graffiti Resistant. Our 40th Year."submitted/post title by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyRev. Kenney saw this one in the convention hall at the SBC Annual Meeting.I think next year I should get a booth and sell my book. How do you think that would go over?------------------------------------ ------------------------"Conscience is the root of all truth."submitted by frequent contributor Ryan DeVriesSorry Jesus, but 2 out of 3 ain't bad.------------------------------------- -------------------------"Holy Family Festival (sponsored by Bud Light Lime)"submitted by Brandy H.The Eucharist: Tastes great, less filling.--------------------------------- -----------------------------"The best mirror is an old friend"submitted by frequent contributor Tracy R.Though be warned: If it's a really old friend, there might be cracks in the mirror.---------------------------------- -------------------------------In response to yesterday's pathetic use of...
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At least they're admitting it.
2008-06-09 13:59:00
"Delaying God's Work. 9:30 & 11:00"submitted by frequent contributor Fold My Laundry Please...not to mention the time it took for somebody to put this sign up.-------------------------------------- -------------------------"Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back"submitted by new contributor Sarah A.So it's kinda like herpes, except for the "difficult" part.------------------------------------ ------------------------"The Bible or Ripley's: Believe it or Not!"submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.Maybe if the Bible had lame museums in tourist traps, I might be more inclined to buy in to the whole thing.Oh. My bad.------------------------------------- --------------------------And now, another installment of "funny/crummy Christian/church things that aren't necessarily signs"First, from frequent contributor Ryan DeVries in Chennai, India (who provided the hilarious caption as well):"Please, we do not want to pray for Jenny's Aunt Matilda again."-...

Third Commentary Contest WINNER
2008-06-06 13:12:00
Congrats to Kadi, this week's winner! Email me your address, and I'll get a book out to you! Also, you can put this up on your blog:Second place went to newcomer Keva:"Hey, as long as you're on your knees you might as well do double duty."(That one was somewhat controversial, as it was likely the edgiest review yet in the history of CCS. Sorry to those of you who thought it crossed the line. I guess that's the danger with these contests. But once a review that funny is submitted, it's not like I can't include it in the top 10. Thanks, Keva!!)Third place went to Eric P.:"Overheard in the Sign Committee meeting: 'Sure, that's a great slogan. It's inspirational, and Joel and his friends couldn't possibly find any double entendres in a simple garden implement.' "I'll update the standings on the sidebar.I'm taking a break from the contests for a week or two. For one thing, Kadi just won the last copy of the book that I have on hand. Of course, if some of you wanted ...
More About: Contest , Commentary , Winner

I'll have Decaf:
2008-06-05 14:35:00
"Free coffee. Eternal Life. Membership has its privileges."submitted by new contributor Danny M.We listed them in order of importance.------------------------------ ---------------------"If we don't talk you don't have a prayer. -God."submitted by new contributor Laura R."Seriously, Gabriel: If he doesn't call me soon, it's over between us!"------------------------------------- ------------------------"Conscience is a faults alarm. God is the battery."submitted by new contributor Laura R.Of course, the battery is only there in case the real power goes out.------------------------------------- ------------------------"See the world's strongest redneck!"submitted by frequent contributor ChristineThis Sunday at St. Barnum and Bailey's Baptist Church!That's one of those signs where there almost has to be a picture to even believe it exists.---------------------------------- -------------------------Last day to vote!!----------------------------------- ----------------------This po...

We'll never tell!
2008-06-04 14:07:00
"Wonder what goes on here between weddings and funerals?"submitted by The GrammarphilePreparation for the next wedding or funeral?--------------------------------- ------------------------------"Love will come with God"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor S. K. SuttonBut does it come with fries?----------------------------------- -----------------------"Dare to live without limitations!Sun 8, 10:30 AM & 6 PM"submitted/asst reviewed by frequent contributor S. K. SuttonThe rest of the week you should probably know your boundaries.------------------------------ ---------------------------------"Despera te House Lives"submitted by new contributer BibberlySundays following Extreme Church Makeover.-------------------------------- ---------------------------------"You asked 'Why Hell?' "submitted by frequent contributor Sarah R.Why Hell? Have you seen the real estate prices in Heaven? Pretty soon it'll cost somebody their firstborn to get into there!Oh...never mind...--------...

I knew I shoulda turned left at Albuquerque...
2008-06-03 14:40:00
"What Baptists Believe.How to get to Heaven from LA"submitted by frequent contributor Trevor P.Next Sunday: How to get to hell from Detroit.(Hint: It's a much shorter trip).----------------------------------- ------------------------"Now That's Temptation!Matt 4: 1-11"submitted by new contributor Sean H.Now That's Temptation! : It's the wacky new reality show from Fox!------------------------------------- ----------------------"Whatever you say!"submitted by new contributor Sarah H.After seeing his first church sign, Joseph Smith wondered how he could effectively put its message into practice...------------------------------ -----------------------"Deceit is designed to look like the truth."submitted AND reviewed by Sarah R....and crummy church signs are designed to look insightful.------------------------------ ------------------------"Total trust in times of tumult"submitted by frequent contributor SusannahTerribly trite...try telling truths to transform instead.---------------...
More About: Left , Albuquerque

VOTE for your favorite comment!
2008-06-02 13:52:00
D.J. Williams:"The Rahab Story: Misapplication 2,564"Keva:"Hey, as long as you're on your knees you might as well do double duty."Allen's Brain:"Oh yeah, planting helps too."Rev. Arnold Hendrix:"This sounds like a job for...Santa Claus!"Brad:"Who knew you could harvest penicillin?"given:"Well, except for you Sally. You're the virgin sacrifice in case the "hoeing" doesn't pan out."Kadi:"Just make sure to avoid fertilization."kq:"Hosea's admonition to Gomer during a season of drought."Eric P:"Overheard in the Sign Committee meeting: 'Sure, that's a great slogan. It's inspirational, and Joel and his friends couldn't possibly find any double entendres in a simple garden implement.' "Poke:"Because God always has a few Tricks up his sleeve."Opinion Polls & Market ResearchI'd like to thank Poke and Brad, whose various comments made me laugh out loud no less than three times each. Of course, I had to pick their best ones to be represented in the contest. There were lots o...
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This is the Crumminess:
2008-05-30 14:33:00
"These are the words"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatThat's right, Johnny. Those are the words. Now can you point to the numbers??-------------------------------- -------------------"Still old fashion. Come and see."submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Rev. Jim P.Well, admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.-------------------------------- -----------------------------------"Looki ng for an old fashion Bible preaching church? You just found it."submitted by new contributor Rev. Jim P.Great! What's next on the scavenger hunt?!? Hurry!!---------------------------------- ------------------------------"Avoid mixing the narrow mind and the wide mouth."submitted by frequent contributor Ironic CatholicSo I shouldn't ever put a televangelist and a lake bass in the same room? I think I can manage that.------------------------------------ -----------------------------"God remembers ISA 49:15 and forgets JER 31:34"submitted by frequent contr...

Make mine a double:
2008-05-29 15:36:00
"Tent revival with Jack Daniels. May 4-7 6:30"submitted by new contributor Philip R.I'd like my Tent Revival shaken, not stirred.--------------------------------- -----------------------"We don't change the message, the message changes us."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor PokeBecause we are the message's baby.------------------------------------ ------------------------------"Final warning. Terrible Times ahead & only Jesus can save us."submitted by new contributor Chris S.Seriously, this is our last warning before we open up a whole can of whoop-ass on this community.------------------------------- ---------------------------------------"W e determine our eternal destiny"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Beau S.God used to, but ya know...layoffs.-------------------------- ----------------------------------------- ---"Obtaining freedom is not difficult. Keeping freedom is not easy."submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.Obtaining freedom is not r...
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New Oral Salvation!
2008-05-28 14:06:00
"Open mouth. Insert Grace."submitted AND reviewed by new contributor AmberSwan R.I just hope you know where that grace has been.------------------------------------ ------------------------------"Have faith in Christ. He put His faith in you."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Scott G.And Jesus, don't forget to wake us up before you go-go.----------------------------------- --------------------------------"Isaiah 63: 7-9. A thin line between love and hate"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatGod is love. Just don't push Him over the line.------------------------------------ ---------------------------------"When your light breaks forth like dawn"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatSorry to single you out, Dawn, but would it kill you to use a little Clearasil?------------------------------- ---------------------------------"We only fail when we quit"submitted by new contributor Chris R."Enter in, thou good and faithful servant. At l...
More About: Salvation , Oral

Commentary Contest Round Three!
2008-05-27 13:24:00
"Pray for the harvest but don't stop hoeing."submitted by new contributor Grant J.You all know the drill. Add your funniest comments by Thursday midnight. I'll post a poll next Monday and we'll all vote to determine a winner.One advantage to these contests is that I have a LOT of material saved up. Stay tuned for a great week of crumminess ahead.This post cross-posted on:-------------------------------------- --------
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The Second Commentary Contest Winner:
2008-05-23 15:16:00
Congrats, Tara! Send me your email and I'll get a book out to you! Oh, and here's your banner:Second place went to Poke:"And for the love of God, cover up your melons, Shiela!"Third place went to Eric P.:"Crushed by the negative reviews, "Exodus: The Musical" closed later that week."I'll post another contest on Monday. In the meantime, to make up for yesterday's absence, some more crumminess:------------------------------ ------------"It is not the the length of life, but the depth of life. -R.W. Emerson"submitted by frequent contributor Chris H.Look, all I wanna know is this: Does size matter or not?!?----------------------------------- -------------------------------------"God is like Alka Seltzer. Try Him, you'll like Him."submitted/originally posted by new contributor AliceThis sign gives me heartburn.------------------------------- -----------------------------"God is like Bounty. He is the quicker picker upper, can handle the tough jobs and He won't fall apart on you...
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Spit Is Finished
2008-05-21 13:18:00
"Salavation is the miracle of a moment. Growth is the labor of a lifetime."submitted by new contributor Sarah B.Correct spelling is "the miracle of a moment" anymore. Sheesh.---------------------------------- ------------------------"The Big Bang Theory. Your kidding."submitted by new contributor Matt S.Those scientists and their crazy senses of humor! Is there a hidden camera around here somewhere?!?----------------------------- ----------------------------"It's never too late to be what you might have been."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Rev. Wes Kenney...as long as you've got enough open road to get 'er up to 88 mph.------------------------------------- ----------------------------"Weather? God reigns and His Son shines!"submitted by frequent contributor Sammi H.What does the first question mean? Do I have weather in my life? Yes, pretty much every day some sort of weather manifests itself outside my back door. Amazing, really.----------------------------...
More About: Spit

Boo!
2008-05-20 14:00:00
"What's around that corner?"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatToday's guest preacher: Stephen King------------------------------------- ------------------------"Faith grows best when rooted in tests."submitted by frequent contributor BRWombatUhhh...."False"??---------------- ----------------------------------------- ----"Mother: God's angel of love"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatI knew it! I knew they weren't human!----------------------------------- --------------------------"Is Jesus your friend?"submitted by frequent contributor Sandi Y....because you should have heard some of the things He was saying about you.------------------------------------- -----------------------Voting began yesterday...be sure to get your choice in by Thursday. I've seen Poke, Quilly, and Kadi asking for votes...but what about the rest of our candidates?------------------------------ ----------------------------This post cross-posted on:--------------------...

Vote for your favorite comment!
2008-05-19 13:19:00
Poke:"And for the love of God, cover up your melons, Shiela!"St. Schizophrenia:"Actually, I have no use for songs about milk and honey, crab apples or not."Tara:"Unfortunately, this month's potluck was not the success everyone had hoped for."Quilly:"Because you're pissing off the bees and curdling the milk."Dan:"Unfortunately, the sign committee broke cardinal rule #1: Never vote on a sign when you're hungry."Kadi:"Join the Wadded Panties Choir and lay your burdens at the cross (and on the ears of the congregation!)msforster:"I think we're living more in the land of beer and corn chips these days.Eric P:"Crushed by the negative reviews, "Exodus: The Musical" closed later that week."Wes K.:"...because you can't participate in the produce competition and the talent show at the same time; they're on opposite ends of the fairground."gridlock:"Only ladies with coconuts or larger are allowed to sing."Opinion Polls & Market ResearchMore crumminess all week! Stay tuned!This pos...
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Showtime at the Appalling:
2008-05-16 13:11:00
Sign 1: "Who was the greatest female financier?"Sign 2: "Pharoah's daughter. She drew a prophet from the bank"submitted AND reviewed by new contributor Rev. Steve K.These signs may cause people to lose interest.-------------------------------- ----------------------Warning Sign: "Crew working in trees"Church Sign: "God promises a safe landing not a calm passage."submitted by frequent contributor Chris J.File this one under "You know it's time to take a day off from work when..."Note: Yes, I know I can blow the pictures up to see the signs better. What's funny about this one is the juxtaposition of the church sign and the working sign. No emails about this particular one, please. It's on purpose.--------------------------------- ------------------------------"Of all the things (I) wear, my expression is the most important"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Chris J.Really? 'Cause I was kinda hoping you'd say "pants".--------------------------------- ----------...
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Yes, Youk.
2008-05-15 16:14:00
"Who, Meek?" Galations 5:22submitted/post title by frequent contributor Poke"Galations" must be in that Mormon bible or something......and, by the way, it's Galatians 5:23 that talks about meekness.-------------------------------- ----------------------------------------" W.W.J.D. Your website for eternity."submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor PokeThe church for people who know nothing about the internet.-------------------------------- ---------------------------------------"S oft soap in the pulpit won't clean the sinner in the pew!"submitted by new contributor Aaron C.It's true: Lava goes nicely with all that hellfire and brimstone.------------------------------- -------------------------------"The people who do their best today are the ones to beat tomorrow."submitted by frequent contributor Barbara B.Because beating people is what it's all about.----------------------------------- ------------------------RC of StrangeCulture is running a neat series on a particular ...

Twice the Crumminess:
2008-05-14 15:37:00
"No one is poor who has had a Godly mother.""Nobody is poor who has had a Godly mother"both signs submitted by frequent contributor MJThese signs were seen within a mile of each other on the same road.Didn't their Godly mothers teach them never to copy someone else's work??----------------------------------- ------------------------------------"Heav en, don't miss it for the world."submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyI've seen the trailer, and it does look pretty sweet.----------------------------------- ----------------------------"Keep using My Name like that and I'll make traffic worse!"submitted by new contributor Matt P.Exodus 20:5: "For I, the Lord your God am a jealous God...and sort of spiteful, with a bit of a mean streak as well..."--------------------------------- --------------------------------------"If wishes were fishes we'd live in the sea."submitted by Christopher S.And if Crummy Church Signs were candy and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas.WTF ...

Just say whatever comes to your mind...
2008-05-13 15:50:00
"Say it til it sticks"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombat"Don't make crummy signs....don't make crummy signs...don't make crummy signs..."-------------------------------- ------------------------"A woman that fear the Lord she shall be praised"submitted by frequent contributor BRWombatAnd a woman who utilizes correct subject-verb agreement shall not be mocked mercilessly.----------------------------- --------------------------------"There's a miracle in the house!"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatQuick! Shut the doors! Call the exterminator!---------------------------- ----------------------------------------- -----------------------------------"God is never too busy to listen"submitted by frequent contributor PokeHuh? I'm sorry, did you say something?------------------------------- -------------------------------"Is your Bible red or read?"submitted by new contributor Curtis F.Mine's plaid. Does that count?What are they talking about??...
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The Second CCS Commentary Contest!
2008-05-12 13:40:00
"No use singing about milk and honey if all you have to show is crab apples."This week's sign comes courtesy of frequent contributors Chris and Sharon Bridges.If you're new to the commentary contest, you can read the rules here.Have your comments in by Thursday at midnight, and I'll post a Top Ten poll next Monday. We had 83 different comments (some with multiple commentaries) for our first ever contest, so let's see if we can beat that next time!Once again, I have a copy of the Crummy Church Signs book for the winner! You might also notice that in the right-hand sidebar I've established overall standings for these contests. If you've been paying any attention at all, you can probably figure out the scoring system....I've got a bunch of crumminess lined up, so stay tuned all week!This post cross-posted on:-------------------------------------- --------
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The First Commentary Contest Winner!
2008-05-09 13:53:00
Congrats to DJ Williams, our first ever commentary contest winner! It was a very close vote, but DJ pulled it out in the end.Second place goes to Steve Sensenig, with:"The gospel according to Van Gogh"Third place goes to Poke with:"Sadly, the flame war between the Christian Otologist Federation (COF) and the League of Christian Dentists (LCD) will never end."Congrats to all three excellent entries, and to everyone who participated!DJ: Email me with your mailing address, you win a copy of the Crummy Church Signs book!Also, here's an award badge you can post on your blog:I'll have a new commentary contest Monday, but in the meantime here is some more crumminess:------------------------------ ------------------------------"Pentecost Sunday/ Sermon/No Comma Momma/Happy Mother's Day"submitted by new contributor Trevor P.Well at least this church sign admits they're not going to bother with punctuation.On the other hand: Does anybody know what the &^%$ they're talking about??--...
More About: Contest , Commentary , Winner

The Wombat Wins
2008-05-08 23:52:00
BRWombat rocked the house with the new header. Thanks, pal!!Also, due to popular demand, I will now post captions of each sign below each picture to help people read the sign. I liked Daniel #2's idea of an tag, but that doesn't help those who can't read the picture either.Crummy Church Signs: Soliciting free work from other bloggers with nothing better to do since 2004. Oh, and also helping out people with crappy eyesight and terrible employment situations (c).(I think that slogan is too big for a business card).
More About: Wins

Behold, our omnipresent God:
2008-05-08 13:46:00
submitted/originally posted by Susannah P.Look, kid: He'd really like to come to your soccer game and all, but there's a universe that needs to be run...----------------------------------- --------------submitted by MJOf course, God coming to you in a vision is always helpful...------------------------------- ------submitted by MJSiign mee uup for soome of thaat!----------------------------------- --submitted by MJHe can, however, be mostly a failure.--------------------------------- ----submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Arnold HendrixTurn the car around!! TURN THE CAR AROUND!!--------------------------------- ----------------"Laughter is God's sunshine"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor TaraSnarking is God's little lightning bolt.------------------------------------ --------------"God's grace is dripping like honey"submitted by frequent contributor Tara...though sometimes it might feel stuck, like ketchup.--------------------------------- ------------------Reader Sc...
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Work in progress.
2008-05-08 01:21:00
I've been working on some new headers and color combinations.I have to leave now, and this is where I have stopped. I don't know if I'm keeping it.
More About: Work , Progress , Work In Progress

It's sort of a 50:50 relationship:
2008-05-07 14:07:00
submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneySola Factum.---------------------------------- ----------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneySo does this sign, since it falls flat.------------------------------------ --------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyBut if your Armor of God is made of wool, you have much bigger problems.Like this kid, for example.--------------------------------- -----------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyDo I hear one? One wasted experience in the life God controls? Thank you sir! How about two? Two wasted experiences?? Thanks, ma'am...THREE wasted experiences?!? Do I hear three??This sign isn't that crummy...but it is quite a guilt trip.------------------------------------ --------------submitted by frequent contributor Rev. Wes KenneyBut really, are either of those are the best option?---------------------------------- ----------------In case you never read who submits each sign, today wa...
More About: Relationship , Sort

Proof That This Blog Isn't Helping (or, "Three of the Worst Signs Ever Subm
2008-05-06 13:47:00
submitted by new contributor Rev. David T.Don't mind us, folks. We'll just be over here lighting the witches on fire and watching the sun revolve around the earth.And we wonder why Rolling Stone writes articles like this.------------------------------------ ----------seen on Nicholas Casey's blog. Originally posted on the Church Sign Generator's collection of church signs.Do it, by all means. Just don't let Him catch you.------------------------------------- ------------submitted by frequent contributor Julie S.Someone there is that doesn't like a church sign.------------------------------------ -----------800+ church signs, 3-and-a-half years of blogging, one book published...and I still get three church signs of this epically low quality submitted within days of each other.Excuse me for a moment whilst I go and slam my head repeatedly on my desk for a while.----------------------------------- ----------------------------------------- -------------------OK, I'm back.Remember y...
More About: Blog , Signs , Proof

VOTE for the BEST COMMENT!
2008-05-05 15:29:00
Steve Sensenig:"The gospel according to Van Gogh"D.J. Williams:"But honestly, your face as a whole isn't your best tool."Allen's Brain:"Why the Winged Victory of Samothrace is so lonely."Alli:"What?!?! I just spent 4 grand on braces!!"Saint Schizophrenia:"Yeah, only those who like aural sex."Bruce:"However if you don't want any friends at all, try using a sign."Eric P:"From "Too Polite Euphemisms, Vol. 7". Listed under 'Shut Up'. "Poke:"Sadly, the flame war between the Christian Otologist Federation (COF) and the League of Christian Dentists (LCD) will never end."Diesel:"On the other hand, it's not really about quantity, is it?"Scott Gordon:"Perhaps God should have thought of that when He made Eve for Adam."Opinion Polls & Market ResearchIf you vote, feel free to leave a comment about who you voted for, why you liked their comment, and anyone else you considered. Remember that the winner receives a signed copy of the Crummy Church Signs book. I also might make a little web...
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Watch for Water in Roadway:
2008-05-02 13:57:00
submitted/post title by frequent contributor BRWombatIs must be the rogue Shakespearean troupe performing near the water that's hindering you.(Bible verses are normally OK. But could we please give it some context....and a translation from the past 250 years?)---------------------------------- --------submitted by frequent contributor BRWombatOh, good. Now that I know what it isn't I'll be sure to recognize it when I see it.BRWombat and I agree: Why wouldn't they finish that verse?!? Or just put the last half??----------------------------------- -------submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor BRWombatIt means someone should proofread your signs?----------------------------------- ------------"At the end of your inning, don't strike out."submitted by frequent contributor Rachel H.But if you pop out to the shortstop, that's OK.-------------------------------------- -------Commentary has ended on the contest. I have a pretty good idea of the Top Ten already, but I'll revie...
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It's Hard Out There For A Church Secretary...
2008-05-01 14:10:00
submitted by Glacial SpainWell instead of trying to change the sign daily, they should move to weekly.(Except that most church signs are already done "weakly".)HAR!--------------------------- -------------submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.Their preacher must get really tired.----------------------------------- -----------submitted by frequent contributor Micah L.Your character, maybe.----------------------------------- -----------"We are open between Easter and Christmas"submitted AND reviewed by frequent contributor Allen's Brain...but from Christmas to Easter, we're closed.---------------------------------- -----------Get your comments in by midnight! I'll choose the best ones over the weekend and post a poll on Monday's post. Remember, the winner receives a copy of my book!Back with more crumminess tomorrow!-------------------------------- -----------------This post cross-posted on:-------------------------------------- --------
More About: Church , Hard

No...I don't wanna.
2008-04-30 15:33:00
submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van HorneUh oh...I see a Valley of the Shadow of Death in your future...-------------------------------- -------------------submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van HorneC U L8R.------------------------------------- --------------submitted by frequent contributor Jill Van HorneI'm pretty sure that they're spies and this is a code to America's enemies.Somebody stop them!!----------------------------------- ----------------submitted by new contributor Kevin W.Winter is God's way of saying "I'm through with you people for a while."---------------------------------- ----------"The best songs come from broken hearts"submitted/asst. reviewed by new contributor Sammi H.Only if you're a fan of emo and country.--------------------------------- -------------The commentary contest is still open! Get your best comments in by midnight tomorrow (Thursday). There are some hilarious ones so far, but there's some low-hanging fruit left over for anyone who...