Despair and Coffee

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2

Two years, nine months deprived
2007-04-25 21:09:00
The phone on the patio table vibrated suddenly, a brutish staccato shattering his mental reverie. It?s not that he wasn?t expecting the call. He knew it was coming, had been bracing himself for days. Just one of those things which looms menacingly but never seems to fall, hovering indefinitely like a lingering nightmare which one knows, hopes, isn?t real. He exhaled, clutching for his composure, wiped his palms on his jeans and reached for the phone inching its way towards the table edge.?Hello.??Hey, Clancy, it?s me.??Yeah ? I know.? It had been two weeks since they last spoke, well, almost two weeks. A week and five days actually. It hadn?t gone well.?Thought it?d be better to do this over the phone,? she said, pausing as if waiting for his consent, though they both knew it wasn?t a matter of consent. A faux courtesy. He had expected this, with some certainty, but staring down the barrel he suddenly felt weak, removed, like watching a cruise liner carrying one?s family sink from s...
More About: Years , Year , Ears , Months , Month

How many mornings before thirty?
2007-04-24 01:48:00
?For even the world?s wisest men have fixed the bloom of youth at about the age of thirty; and when this period has been passed, the man begins to decline towards the defective and duller period of old age.? ? Augustine (City of God, 22.15)Barely into my mid-twenties and I?m already depressed about growing older. I catch myself fantasizing about being a twenty-one year old college graduate taking a year or so to travel and live life. But since I?m three years removed from twenty-one, I feel as if I no longer have the luxury. Though I?ve completed my undergrad, the sheer weight of the thirties bears down on me, as if I only have so long to establish myself before I?m forever pressed down in my directionless state and life solidifies around me. Stuck, an aimless middle-aged slacker with no real job or substantial income.Turning thirty will be major downer since evidently it represents the peak of my prime, that is, if my body and mind haven?t already begun the descent. So, I figure I ...
More About: Morning , How Many , Fore

Egocentrism and the myth of happiness
2007-04-23 05:23:00
The basic goal of most individuals is to attain happiness in life; to find contentment and meaning. This being the case, it seems that the bane of human existence is, ultimately, the intrinsic selfishness which drives every person. From the womb one emerges preoccupied with self-preservation and immediate gratification. Babies cry at will demanding attention and sustenance, and only during the infantile period are one?s raw id impulses entertained and indulged so attentively by others. During early childhood this base egocentrism is tempered and refined, mostly out of necessity, and gradually attains higher sophistication through conflict with the demands, expectations, and approval of parents, peers, and larger society, etc. Children are expected to control bowel movements, to refrain from public tantrums, and to go to bed when commanded. Through such conditioning one becomes aware of oneself and others, typically attaining a maturity in which one?s latent and chronic selfishness c...
More About: Happiness , Ness , Myth

Oh Cupid, where art thou?
2007-04-14 21:47:00
Within the last few months or so, several of my close friends have had their respective romantic relationships end abruptly and with harsh decisiveness, the broken engagements a tangible representation of the fragmented people who emerged limping from the rubble. As with everyone, the couples involved had unresolved personal issues and interrelational difficulties, but one would have expected their mutual love to sustain them. Instead, the relationships were brought to a sudden conclusion devoid of any meaningful closure, the shock and pain of the loss and rejection preventing the brutal finality to register. Through blanket denial and desperate hope, one futility refuses to accept what is going down. If only it were a nightmare.In serious relationships heading towards marriage, the course of people?s lives appears to lie somewhat clearly before them. Like driving on a road which extends, vanishing into the horizon, all that is to come can?t be seen, but one knows with some certaint...
More About: Here , Cupid , Where

Of roller coasters and elusive things
2007-04-11 23:27:00
A good friend recently told me he believed that the emotional and existential struggles ever-present in our lives to be an inseparable part of the twenties. This was spoken in the hopes that aging will bring stability of some sort; a kind of settling into life. Sometimes this ambiguous point feels unobtainable, as if it is moving away from us at a rate only slightly faster than we?re aging; enticingly within sight yet never close enough to grasp. We set mental milestones, perhaps one of the first was sixteen, then eighteen, later twenty-one, and now it?s thirty and beyond. Can contentment truly be found?The first four years into my twenties have been bittersweet, bringing both the highest and lowest moments of life so far. Ever since thirteen ? or whenever it was that I became aware of girls as romantic and relational beings and desired the companionship of one of those elusive creatures ? my existence has been tempered and defined by encounters with raw emotion and unrequited desir...
More About: Things , Roller Coaster , Thing , Coasters , Coast

On college life (or, 'My tragedy so far...')
2007-04-09 04:45:00
Most people as they get older tend to reflect back on the "good times" of their life. Of those times people generally include their college years as some of the best. I doubt that that will be the case for me. The last four years of my life have been without question the most difficult and painful. Sometimes in my retrospection the high points are eclipsed by the ramifications of the lowest points.I developed several providential friendships along the way that I hope to retain for the rest of my life and have many memories of happy spells, yet in general I think about the past four years with sadness. My life has been rather uneventful but marked by regret, broken dreams, the decline of faith, and dashed idealistic expectations. This was particularly and painfully pronounced during college.I wonder what the future holds for me. Will life continue to bring the same? Will I ever be content; at peace? I know that as a Christian, something must be said about finding your identity and co...
More About: Life , College , Tragedy , Rage , Coll