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Whizpoppers
2011-09-09 14:00:00 In Roald Dahl's novel, The BFG, young Sophie is kidnapped and taken to a land occupied by giants. Recently, I've been reading this book to The Mayor and The Rooster. In the giant's world, their equivalent of soda fizzes downward instead of upward. Instead of causing burps, soda causes, well... the opposite, an activity know to the giants as "Whizpopping." When a giant releases whizpops, he is lifted off the ground and filled with a sensation of elation. This is such a fun experience that whizpopping itself is a sign of happiness among the giants. Reflecting on the chapter where we learned all this, The Rooster smiled at me and said, Mama, you're the happiest person I know.
By: Oh, The Joys
Hey, No Fair!!
2011-09-04 21:47:00 K usually wakes up the children, but he had to leave the house early the other day. We do it differently, the waking up. K plays an out of tune guitar and sings a made up morning song that might remind you of alley cats meowing in the night. I prefer to climb in my children's beds and snuggle them awake. On this particular morning, I climbed in with The Rooster first and rubbed her back and talked with her until I knew she'd get up and get dressed. Then I moved into The Mayor's bed. Because relating to seven year old boys seems to require an element of rough housing, I didn't rub his back so much as gently transition him into several world championship wrestling maneuvers. As I climbed out of his bed, I said, You'd better get up and get dressed quickly because I left a fart in your bed. And then, unbelievably, from The Rooster's room I hear, HEY! NO FAIR! YOU DIDN'T LEAVE A FART IN MY BED!! Seriously? They will fight about ANYTHING. The joys.
By: Oh, The Joys
Some People
2011-05-27 04:04:00 My son, who was busily schooling me on the art of meditation...[learned where?]...said,...some people sit like this [cross legged] and some people sit like this [lotus] and some people hold their thumb & finger in a circle like this and some people...On and on went the 'some people's, so I said,Some people call me a space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice.My son rolled his eyes.I blame Grandma Seattle for playing The Steve Miller Band so much when I was a child.
By: Oh, The Joys
Chicken Breast Threat Level Orange
2011-03-22 20:28:00 I never intended to pose a threat to airport security but on the way out of town, I realized that the fluid filled sacks in my carry on luggage might very likely cause alarm, attract attention, and, frankly, mortify me.Two days ago, I learned that many of my female colleagues were planning to wear floor length gowns to our office's 'black tie optional' event though I had assumed we?d go with cocktail length dresses since we'd be working the event.I scrambled, asking friends if they had anything formal I could borrow.One friend (who shall remain nameless for reasons that will become clear as the story unfolds) loaned me a strappy, red number.When I tried it on, she eyed me critically and said, ?You?re going to need the chicken breasts.?[That's the face I made too.]She went to a drawer and pulled out two silicon filled sacks and told me to drop them in my bra.?Trust me,? she said.I was skeptical, but lo, said chicken breasts propped up the tired, old girls and gave them renewed v...
By: Oh, The Joys
How to Embarrass Your Offspring on Foreign Exchange
2010-11-04 19:15:00 "No way! You actually have the shirt!" he said.My good friend David is in South Africa for six months.He's a visiting professor at a university in Johannesburg.Recently, he was startled and surprised when an American student walked into his office wearing the shirt."What do you mean?" the unassuming student from Indiana asked.After a bit of back and forth, David realized that the student didn't have a clue about what he was wearing.It was the The Mountain Three Wolf Moon t-shirt.(If you aren't familiar with The Mountain Three Wolf Moon t-shirt, then I *highly* recommend you take a break and read the Amazon customer reviews for this product.)[Seriously. Go read them now.]David showed the Amazon reviews to the poor, unassuming student from Indiana.After reading many reviews, the student said,"Oh, man! I'm SO embarrassed! My mom sent me that shirt."This had me howling.[Like three wolves with a moon.]Do you think his mom knew about it?I totally hope so.
By: Oh, The Joys
Laying It Down
2010-09-07 20:12:00 I was cutting the crusts off the bread for my kid?s sandwiches when my friend Michael looked at me and said,?That is so wasteful. Look at all the bread you have to throw away!?Our families were away together at the beach and Michael and I had returned to the beach house to make lunches for everyone.This was three months ago.Since then, every single morning when I make school lunches, I remember this comment and seethe.Day after day, I mutter my unspoken retort,?It?s just as much of a waste if they throw their sandwiches away uneaten!?I'll at least admit that it has occurred to me that I?m being ridiculously silly about it.So when our families went to dinner together last night, I told Michael it had been bothering me.?I?m so sorry,? he said. ?I only meant that children in general are wasteful with their picky eating habits. I didn?t mean it as a personal judgment.??It probably says more about me than it does about you, Michael,? I told him, ?that I?ve been hanging on to it all thi...
By: Oh, The Joys
Why My Husband Is So Darned Appealing
2010-08-16 21:36:00 When he receives obvious spam, like this...-----Original Message-----From: Maria Levy Mwanawasa [mailto:sanaali@bigmir.net]Sent-: Monday, August 16, 2010 3:17 PMSubject: HelloHello Dear,I know this mail will come to you as a surprise since we haven't discuss it before, but kindly bear with me at this moment. I have a special reason why I wrote you first in the dating site. My situation at hand is miserable but I trust in God and hope you will be of my help. My name is Maria Levy Mwanawasa. I am 22 years old and I held from Zambia, I am the daughter of late President Levy Mwanawasa, the former President of Zambia. My beloved father died on the 19th of August, 2008 in the French Hospital after he was hospitalized for a stroke. well, You can read more detail about they death of my late father here.http://www.msnbc.msn.com/i-d/26287278/I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother and my uncle. They both planned to take away all my l...
By: Oh, The Joys
Who Dat?
2010-07-12 21:53:00 On the 4th of July, my cousin Kaycee announced that she wanted to be baptized in the pool near my Granny?s house.She was never properly baptized as a child and she declared she was ready.?What name do you want to take?? family members asked.?Cowbell and Batman,? she replied.The Mayor, always literal, said,?I think you need to take a saint?s name.?And then, doing the best that a six year old without the benefit of a proper religious upbringing could, he continued,?Like from the New Orleans Saints.?And so after the home-grown, state border purchased, family only fireworks display executed by my cousin Colin and his fiance Alyssa, it came to pass.Kaycee was baptized,"Kaycee Cowbell Batman Reggie Bush [Last Name]."I hope you had a happy Fourth too!
By: Oh, The Joys
Learn to Eat Like Old People
2010-05-24 17:19:00 Another guest post from my husband, K.We ate dinner at our friend?s house last night.It was a casual dinner party, kids included.We fed the kids first and then the grown-ups ate.All this skewed dinner a little late by our early-eating clock.While we waited, we both noshed on crackers and hummus.A little bit of cheese, yes please.We picked at left over hot dog pieces and grilled mushrooms as we cleared the kids plates.When it was ready, we both ate solid dinners.We could not refuse the chocolate cake.Soon after, regret set in.Both of our stomachs hurt.My practical wife said,?We have to learn to eat like old people.?Oh baby, you talk so sexy to me.
By: Oh, The Joys
The Wild Bachelor
2010-05-17 14:00:00 Flabbergasting K and I, my mother offered to keep the children for a week at my grandmother's home in Virginia last summer.I was, of course, excited about the possibilities of a child-fee week, but I was equally excited about my children having the opportunity to spend a summer week in the small Virginia community where I spent so much time as a child.The Mayor and I talked on the phone one night before bed and he told me all about his day."I met Charlie and Joey at the pool and we talked and talked. We talked about the things we have, what we like to do and where we like to go... it was so great, Mom."Charlie and Joey are both cousins of his.Everywhere we turn in this part of Virginia, relatives abound.There is something tremendously comforting in having a sense of place like that, where everywhere you go, you are related to someone.I drove back up to Virginia to collect The Mayor and The Rooster the next weekend.While I was gone, I got a series of e-mails from K under the subject...
By: Oh, The Joys
Jack Handy's Sister's Thoughts
2010-05-09 18:30:00 Sometimes the children fight. They pick at each other mercilessly, needling away. At those times, I secretly wish I had earphones on and loud music playing. Is that wrong?
By: Oh, The Joys
Doomed to Live Here Forever
2010-05-07 18:00:00 We're trying to sell our house right now.We don't have to sell our house at the moment, but The Mayor and The Rooster share a room and, while that works for now, it won't work forever.On top of the pain of trying to keep it clean and "show ready" despite the best efforts of the short and loud people we live with to do otherwise, we have chosen to embark on this undertaking during the worst real estate market in a long, long time.[Because we are so very intelligent.]To make matters worse, we live on a busy street and only have one bathroom.It get's tiring to constantly hear all the reasons why our house sucks."The road noise was too much for my clients. Nice home, good sized rooms which is important to my clients, but they are noise sensitive."K got so hearing the reasons why our house sucks that he wrote his own...Too noisy, not big enough, not enough bathrooms, ?, mailbox post too twisted, too many trees, don?t like broken driveway pavement, sink fixtures not gold plated, doorb...
By: Oh, The Joys
And Now For Some Useless Information!
2010-05-02 02:30:00 I found a list written in my handwriting on the back of a recipe. MayonnaiseSpidersSlow-talking,- people in chargeKeanu ReevesDiesel ExhaustAntivirus Expiration Photos of bizarre skin ailments Michael Gross (Played the father on the TV show Family Ties) Jessica Simpson Seashell Art Any guesses about the list's theme?
By: Oh, The Joys
And Your Mama Drove a Pinto
2010-04-30 02:44:00 My husband and I were helping our friends wash the dishes one night last weekend.We always eat at their house when we get together, even if I cook.Our house has a way of taking kid noises and magnifying them.(((((The triumph of the short and loud people!)))))Somehow, our friend's place doesn't echo the way ours does.Anyway, as we washed and dried, we told stories.David made some reference to his childhood and the 1970's.The Mayor, who has a bad habit of eaves dropping, decided to suddenly join the conversation.With a wild, eye-popping look of complete incredulity, The Mayor said,"You were ALIVE in the NINETEEN HUNDREDS???!!!!"[#weareold]
By: Oh, The Joys
Jimmy Carter Racism Idiocy (Video)
2009-09-16 15:47:00 Former President Jimmy Carter accused South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson, who interrupted President Barack Obama during his health care speech to Congress last week (watch video here), of basically being a racist for is outburst against Obama. “I think it’s based on racism,” Carter said at a town hall held at his presidential center in Atlanta. ...
The Dark Lord
2009-09-08 03:14:00 My friend Merrily was out of town this weekend so we invited her husband Gepetto out with us.I guess we didn't look after him very well...
By: Oh, The Joys
Food Chain
2009-08-22 16:55:00 At dinner the other night, The Rooster discussed her day at pre-school.She led us through a list of proposed names for class pet hermit crab and we weighed the merits of each proposal."Joseph suggested Hermie," she told us.[Oh, the original!]The Mayor rolled his eyes and wryly contributed his own idea. "Why don't you just call the hermit crab Bait?"[!!!!]It's usually his sister's role to be the macabre one.
By: Oh, The Joys
Sarah Palin's Dino Idiocy
2009-08-19 03:20:00 I don't like Sarah Palin one bit. Remember when she ran for Vice President? If she did become Vice President, then knowledge and intellect on dinosaurs is doomed to fail if she has her own way. Look at what Sarah Palin stupidly said about dinosaurs a few years ago, "God made dinosaurs 4,000 years ago as ultimately flawed creatures, lizards of Satan really, so when they died and became petroleum products we, made in his perfect image, could use them in our pickup trucks, snow machines and fishing boats." She's nuts! Proof that she knows completely nothing of dinosaurs! How are dinosaurs "lizards of Satan" when they are completely everything but that? Didn't God created all things, including dinosaurs, to be "very good?" If so, then how are dinosaurs "ultimately flawed creatures?" Where did she ever get such bogus, untruthful, idiotic claims from other than her head? It's unbelievable to know that she advocates creationism and all the stupid lies therein. If she and McCain really ...
I Forgot to Tell You Something Last Easter...
2009-07-22 01:40:00 As I mentioned, we went to church for the first time in over a year last Sunday.The children pointed at the stained glass windows in recognition and elatedly remarked,"Joseph, Mary and Baby Jesus!"[They know all about Joseph, Mary and Baby Jesus because we routinely pass a ceramic, household Garden Mary forever praying over the sad state of the zoysia and, at Christmas time, there is a giant, plastic, light-up creche two doors down.]The Mayor, my most earnest child, concentrated fervently throughout the mass, trying with all his soul to understand the meaning of the service.As usual, he asked a lot of questions.[Which would be less of an issue if he didn't speak in ALL CAPS.]"WHO'S THE GUY IN THE ROBE?" he yelled.[That would be the Priest.]"WHAT ARE THOSE KIDS DOING UP THERE ON STAGE?"[Alter girls...]"WHAT IS THE PRIEST HOLDING UP AND BREAKING?"[Bread. The body of Christ.]"WHAT? HIS BODY? WELL... I'M HUNGRY."During a particularly quiet moment, when the parish was deep in silent p...
By: Oh, The Joys
The Breathtaking
2009-07-09 02:38:00 I'm always elated when I pull off the final, little, state highway and follow the unmarked country lanes that weave their way through the Virginia farmland to my Granny's house.I fill my lungs in anticipation thinking that I'm almost there.It was no different as I drove in for the Fourth of July holiday last weekend.I passed flowering rows of tobacco, faded red barns and endless, crooked fence posts.Shafts of sunlight filtered down through the hardwood trees making the pavement sparkle.Out of nowhere, a brilliantly colored hummingbird appeared.The hummingbird was the most extraordinary shades of royal blue and aqua marine, really quite breathtaking.I admired his beauty and watched the beautiful arc of his flight and then, understanding his fate, suddenly sucked in my breath.BLAP!I looked in my rear view mirror and there, in the middle of the road, was a royal blue and aqua pancake.Welcome to the countryside!
By: Oh, The Joys
Cheers
2009-06-01 04:26:00 My fellow Georgians,Recently, an official in Georgia's water infrastructure department let a certain cat, as it were, out of the bag. Apparently, the "maverick" state of California is set to put in place a water conservation program known officially as something along the lines of "potable reuse." Needless to say, only a bureaucrat could come up with such a euphemism. Promoters of the concept have, however, taken a tip from Hollywood advertisers to come up with the vivid and unforgettable slogan, "Ass to Glass." Now it transpires that, with their typical cultural arrogance, Californians are getting ready to export their program--including their so-called "vivid" slogan--to every other state.I'm sure you share my feeling that while we in the sovereign state of Georgia may see the value of a waste water reuse program in the face of drought, we will NEVER accept the cultural hegemony of another state no matter how big it is! Accordingly, we at GLOP--Georgian League for Organizing Poo...
By: Oh, The Joys
Gasoline idiocy from the left
2008-08-03 03:23:00 Michael D is miffed at Obama for suggesting that the solution for oil supply problems is to find more. Apparently to him, that’s not painful enough for us. Look, I know that there are people who are suffering because of high gas prices. I’m one of them, although I know that, like many of you, I can probably afford the prices more than a lot of people. My problem with this is that I think democrats should be solidly be on the side of finding alternative energy. Rising gas prices have made a difference. I’ve noticed a lot more people riding MARTA in Atlanta – a LOT more. I’d be willing to bet many of these people were like me, before I made a commitment to figuring out the system and how to make it work. Pain works. But toward what, I wonder? Personally, I don’t want to see gas prices come down because we’re drilling and finding more. The United States is finally getting a taste of what it’s been like in Europe and the rest of the world forever. When I first moved ...
By: BitsBlog
Pure Idiocy
2008-07-11 01:35:00 Trading your wife of ten years and your kids for internet porn and an eighteen year old. Especially when your wife is twenty years younger, a model, and also a millionaire.Sorry, but my internet connection is intermittent right now so this is the best I can do in the time allotted.
By: Dyre Portents
More Government School Idiocy
2008-06-08 20:39:00 This time in Maryland… http://www.examiner.com/a-14295-70~Council__Mongtomery_schools_-cave_to_pressue_with_Islam_book-.html
By: Investing Notes
Senate To Debate F?ing The Economy With Global Warming Idiocy
2008-06-02 20:57:00 Yes, it is this week Congress is coming back in session and is worried about the climate ? and for once it isn?t strictly the political kind that has captured the attention of lawmakers. Fresh from a one-week break, the Senate today begins consideration of bipartisan legislation meant to limit carbon emissions. But virtually no one expects ...
By: Pirate's Cove
The Pseudo-Dragons of Genesis Park Part 2
2008-06-01 05:50:00 In next page in our tour of “Genesis Park” is Bone Collectors where Woetzel gives a very brief history of the discovery of dinosaurs. In this article he erroneously claims, “In their hurry to name what appeared to be a large new dinosaur, Marsh’s team placed the wrong head on a specimen and gave it ...
More idiocy from the Left
2008-05-28 22:15:00 The looney Left in the House and Senate are gifts that just keep on giving. Theyarestill tryingto go afterDarth Rovefor the firing of judges. This is total nonsense, in all of the administrations from the beginning of this country, judges...
By: Stix Blog
Payday loans ? Idiocy From South Carolina ? Who Voted For These Guys?
2008-05-23 18:36:00 I don’t get mad about global warming, I don’t mad about Iraq, I don’t get mad about the economy, but I do get mad at the people behind these problems. And lets face it, there are always people at the root of whatever problem you wish to talk about. Some people face their challengers and are ...
The Pseudo-Dragons of Genesis Park
2008-05-22 05:41:00 Over the years of surfing the internet, I would come across sites I wish they don’t exist at all. Genesis Park is one of them. This site, which tagline reads, “Dinosaurs: living evidence of a powerful Creator” is created by Dave Woetzel, a crank who advocates alleged “live” pterosaur sightings and is one of Prisoner #06452-017’s cronies who advocates the lying claim about dinosaurs living with humans while being engrossed in ignorance of the exact opposite which reveals the scenario, including the live pterosaur sightings, to be entirely fictional. Much of the claims presented on this site I’ve already debunked, but there are others on Woetzel’s site that has to be dealt with including how the creationist webmasters like Woetzel distort ancient art under a false pretense that if an animal in the art looks like a dinosaur, then it must be a dinosaur people saw, doesn’t matter if the animal resembles a modern animal with dog ears, ...
The Pseudo-Dragons of Genesis Park
2008-05-22 05:41:00 Over the years of surfing the internet, I would come across sites I wish they don’t exist at all. Genesis Park is one of them. This site, which tagline reads, “Dinosaurs: living evidence of a powerful Creator” is created by Dave Woetzel, a crank who advocates alleged “live” pterosaur sightings and is one of Prisoner #06452-017’s cronies who advocates the lying claim about dinosaurs living with humans while being engrossed in ignorance of the exact opposite which reveals the scenario, including the live pterosaur sightings, to be entirely fictional. Much of the claims presented on this site I’ve already debunked, but there are others on Woetzel’s site that has to be dealt with including how the creationist webmasters like Woetzel distort ancient art under a false pretense that if an animal in the art looks like a dinosaur, then it must be a dinosaur people must have saw alive, doesn’t matter if the animal resembles a modern animal...
A Quick Note On The Latest Dubya Idiocy
2008-05-15 17:05:00 A recent utterance from President Clueless (from here)?"Some seem to believe we should negotiate with terrorists and radicals, as if some ingenious argument will persuade them they have been wrong all along," the President said to the country's legislative body, "We have heard this foolish delusion before. As Nazi tanks crossed into Poland in 1939, an American senator declared: 'Lord, if only I could have talked to Hitler, all of this might have been avoided.' We have an obligation to call this what it is ?- the false comfort of appeasement, which has been repeatedly discredited by history."The response from Obama (as always, more like this)?"It is sad that President Bush would use a speech to the Knesset on the 6Oth anniversary of Israel's independence to launch a false political attack. It is time to turn the page on eight years of policies that have strengthened Iran and failed to secure America or our ally Israel. Instead of tough talk and no action, we need to do what Kenne...
Dinosaurs, Man, and Galling?s Hypocrisy of The Bible
2008-05-15 06:17:00 Now look at Peter Galling, one of Ham’s cronies’ playing innocent, engaging in bibliolatry, and being a hypocrite with this new approach to responding to a feedback given by an S.T. from Rockport, Texas and L.B. from a somewhat false location (What false location, Galling?), “We thought we?d try something a little different in this week?s response to feedback. Usually, we select one negative feedback to answer, always looking for an emailer who asks a valid question rather than someone just unloading unsubstantiated claims. Recently, we received two relatively similar emails asking about our contention (or the Bible?s contention, as we argue) that dinosaurs and humans lived at the same time. Both authors write as Christians, so we thought this would be a good opportunity to address the question once again and touch on some of the issues it relates to.” The contention of humans and dinosaurs living at the same time is not of the Bible. It’s all made up b...
Chris Kelly at the Huffington Post Proves that Idiocy is Institutional
2008-05-13 14:47:00 Last week I was reading some of the news stories about Jenna Bush?s wedding and I was appalled by some of the comments written in the response sections. While some people were nice and wished the couple well, many could not resist the opportunity to bring politics into the mix and insult Jenna and her ...
By: Webloggin
On Richie Sexson, Kason Gabbard, And Outright Idiocy
2008-05-09 07:17:00 A few things: ? I try very, very hard to steer clear of personal attacks directed towards anybody associated with the great game of baseball, but I’ll make a special exception in this case. Richie Sexson is a gutless, spineless, piece of trash. Because I am so heated, I’ll allow a (semi)-neutral third party - namely, the ...
Hillary Loans Herself $6.4 Million and Other Campaign Idiocy
2008-05-07 18:06:00 FOX reports that Sen. Hildebeast Clinton loaned herself $6.4 million in the last month to keep her struggling campaign afloat. The pundits are so busy talking about her chances against Obamination that it seems everyone’s missing the most obvious question of all: How in blazes is that bimbo expected to do anything with the ...
By: Euphoric Reality
The Great Dinosaur Mystery Solved (Part 10)
2008-05-02 22:26:00 Mirrored here. Ham’s Ideas Solves Not a Dang Thing. Ham says that telling people about the true history of the world and presenting the solution to the world’s problems (his way) is what his book is all about or so he thinks. To tell you the truth, his ideas will solve not a dang thing! Ham’s ideas, ...
Oard?s Frozen Folly
2008-04-30 23:44:00 It’s very easy to think dinosaurs lived only in swamps and in sub-tropical climates as shown in so many illustrations found in popular dinosaur books, posters, and films. But in recent years, since the mid-1980s’, scientists have been making astonishing discoveries of fossil remains of dinosaurs living in areas such as Alaska, Australia, and Antarctica ...
The Great Dinosaur Mystery Solved (part 9)
2008-04-30 09:03:00 Mirrored here. More of Ham’s Moral Idiocy Ham then states falsely that the foundations of the gospel is all found in Genesis which is incorrect as stated in part 8 of this article. Ham threatens that if you accept evolution, then you are accepting the concept of millions of years of death, suffering, bloodshed, and disease happening ...
We Told You So?. Another Case of Liberal Idiocy Doing More Harm Than Good
2008-04-27 16:26:00 ?.but you wouldn?t listen. You had to go ahead and do it anyway, and only now, when things are getting serious, are you figuring it out yourself. These are words parents say to teenagers, and conservatives say to liberals. In teenage land, you end up with pregnancies, STDs, and substance abuse. In liberal land, you ...
By: Webloggin
1970's Movie Goer
2008-04-25 14:30:00 Catherine is it again with the Friday Flashback writing prompts.Today's theme is... well... let's just say that Catherine is really pregnant at this point and the theme is something about movies of your youth, the first movie you remember seeing or a movie that moved you as a young person.Something like that anyway.The first movie that came to mind for me was Pete's Dragon.What I remember is the AWESOME soundtrack (heh) and that I had a massive crush on Pete, a dirty faced, red head with masses of freckles.[What was I thinking?]See for yourself.The next film I vividly remember loving was Escape to Witch Mountain.My first thriller![I feel compelled to link to Michael Jackson.][And now, because that is the only youtube version of "Thriller" that I could find, I feel even more compelled to wonder about the racial politics of what I just linked to... the video has running commentary about the song's pop cultural influence provided entirely by white people. Um... hello? How about ...
By: Oh, The Joys
Montreal fans getting bad rap for idiocy of few
2008-04-23 15:37:00 So a few drunken idiots decide to stagger out of Chez Paree, or wherever they were pounding back more than their share of pints Monday night, go on an alcohol-induced vandalism spree and all of a sudden all Montreal supporters are idiots. Wow, you'd think we'd never seen over-zealous, liquored-up celebrations before.As my colleague Rick Couchman pointed out in his own space yesterday, most of the idiots using police cars as firewood after the elimination of the Boston Bruins weren't your prototypical Montreal Canadiens fans rather than drunken jackasses who were just looking for something to do burn. Hardly grounds for labeling an entire city, or at the very least a fanbase, as a bunch of thugs. Then you get a writer from Alberta denouncing the faithful of the bleu, blanc and rouge, throwing them off the moral platform while singing the praises of Calgary's infamous Red Mile.Go figure, the guy isn't even from Calgary.Having someone from Calgary Red Deer give victory celebr...
By: Hockey.com
Getting Organized
2008-04-23 14:18:00 Confused about our upcoming joint-family trip, I called our friend to confirm the dates."What nights are we going to the beach again?" I asked him.He told me, then asked,"Why? What's going on? You guys can still go, right?" "Yes, yes, we can still go, of course. K and I are just sitting here at our desks with our blackberries and our calendars doing a little family planning... you know, getting ready to HAVE SEX." Encapsulated in a split second, I saw the complete performance of a one act play on K's face.First, I saw his total shock, then his mortified embarrassment and, finally, a shrug of acceptance and resignation.He married a shameless clown with no boundaries.What can he do?Meanwhile our friend, knowing the two of us and our propensity to be overly organized, control freaks roared with laughter."That WOULD be foreplay in YOUR house!" he laughed.Oh... oh... oh... you. are. so. ORGANIZED, BAY-BEEEEEEEEEEE! YES!
By: Oh, The Joys
Bambi Jungle Queen
2008-04-22 15:06:00 Reciprocating their hospitality, we invited The Wife Who Snorted (and the rest of the family) to dinner over the weekend.I'm starting to think that snorting might be a theme in our relationship with this couple.During dinner, The Mayor decided to discuss the finer points of the film Bambi with the couple's nine year old son."We have the movie Bambi," he said. "Have you seen it?"The nine year old had not."It's about deer," The Mayor told him."Oh," the nine year old brightened. "Is that like, Bambi, Jungle Queen?"There was a pregnant pause before the snorting started.The Wife Who Snorts somehow managed to say,"Uh, no. Bambi Jungle Queen is a different movie ENTIRELY."Which was followed by uncontrollable grown up snorting and laughter."Why is that so funny?" the children demanded.We couldn't answer them.We were too busy imagining how Thumper might be portrayed in this alternate version of the enduring classic.Bow chicka BAMBI!
By: Oh, The Joys
Oh, My Largess
2008-04-20 02:00:00 I strode through the airport wearing my iPod and listening to my favorite songs on my way to a business meeting in St. Louis last week. I felt an overwhelming benevolence for my fellow humankind. I opened my eyes to the unique, heart-breaking complexity of everyone around me. I found the intrinsic, sometimes hidden, beauty in every face. Then, when my colleague met me at the gate, I took the iPod off and we boarded the plane. A mother and her three year old boy were seated across the aisle from me. Knowing from experience what the mom was going through traveling with him, I thought about helping her out by interacting with the boy. But I realized then that I'm not all that benevolent after all. [I should really keep my iPod ON.]
By: Oh, The Joys
The Great Dinosaur Mystery Solved Part 7
2008-04-19 05:37:00 Mirrored here. Alan Feduccia Alan Feduccia is among a very tad few evolutionists out there who do mean well, but they object the notion of birds being descendants of dinosaurs and would rather stick with the orthodox view of birds being descendants of a certain common ancestral reptile, thinking the idea of dinosaurs evolving into birds as ...
Absolut Idiocy
2008-04-15 16:35:00 I'm not so thin-skinned that I don't get the irony here--that I don't understand the appeal that Absolut is trying to bring to Mexican consumers. After all, most Mexicans drink Tequila right? I mean, since Trotsky there haven't been too many other Vodka drinkers down there. But this is still a pretty insulting image to me. The first thing I think of when I see it is not a "perfect world" as the ad men at Absolut were intending. I see California, Oregon, Utah, Nevada, Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, Texas, and some other US land all suddenly cast into Mexican poverty, under the corrupt reigns of a corrupt quasi-Republic State. The Mexican government has done more to harm its people than anyone here in the States. It's time the protesters stopped protesting U.S. policy (which I'm not a fan of) and started marching in the streets against the Mexican government. Real reform could bring prosperity to Mexico. It is rich in re...
By: Blendwire
Oh, the Geriatric Pele
2008-04-15 14:30:00 This weekend we arranged a play date at the park for The Rooster and one of her friends from daycare.I played soccer with the nine year old brother of Rooster's friend while the other parent watched the girls on the playground.I used to play competitive soccer when I was in elementary and middle school, but I?m pretty sure my last season was when I was in sixth grade.Nevertheless, I was impressed with my speed and agility.[Look at me go!]I kicked the ball with amazing force and precision![I am an Olympic Soccer Super Star!!!]I played so hard and ran so fast that I wore the nine year old out. He got winded and had to quit first.[Ha!]I was feeling really proud of my self and, because I am not very mature, I taunted my nine year old friend.?I a-am faster. I a-am stronger.? I sang while shaking my butt in little victory shimmies.He grinned, rolled his eyes and told me to shut up.However, I am a serious idiot.Oh, my aching HUBRIS!!I am in desperate need of some sort of butt massaging de...
By: Oh, The Joys
The Science of Idiocy
2008-04-15 11:15:00 © %FIRST - get over to the plooptionary for more graphical humour based on the worldwide idiocy pandemic ...
By: plooptionary
Shower Gifts
2008-04-14 16:00:00 When The Mayor was less than a week old, my mom noticed that his inner thighs were completely black and blue. We called the pediatrician and they asked us to bring him in. The intake nurse was pretty disconcerted when she saw his legs. One after another, the pediatricians filed in to have a look. The Mayor seemed fine, didn?t appear to be in any pain and didn?t wince or cry when the black and blue spots were touched. The doctors couldn?t figure out what was wrong with him. This weekend, I went to my friend Tomi?s baby shower. Seeing all the tiny newborn clothes reminded me of The Mayor?s shower, being close to the end of my first pregnancy and being a new mom. I thought about his tiny, little diapers. At the baby shower that my friend Michele threw for me, the guests were given a marker and a stack of newborn diapers. Each guest wrote messages and drew pictures on the diapers so that K and I would be amused during 3:00 a.m. feedings. The diapers were hilarious. They...
By: Oh, The Joys
The Great Dinosaur Mystery Solved! (part 5)
2008-04-11 19:48:00 Mirrored here. Ham’s Lie about Dinosaur Diet Page 47 asks, “What did dinosaurs eat, and how did they behave?” Answer: Most dinosaurs were plant-eaters. Others ate meat. The rest ate both. It all depends on the fossil clues left behind by the dinosaurs based on their behavior. This just comes to show just how creationists like Ham go ... |
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