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Office Romance

Dysfunctional Lover or Bloodsucking Vampire?
2008-06-05 20:14:00
I know what you're thinking... I'm pissed off at Blair, so I compare her to a bloodsucking vampire. Not true.Yes, I am pissed off at her. But I really do believe she might be a bloodsucking vampire.  Let me tell you why. First reference one of Winter's Vampire articles. Now here are the questions you need to answer to determine whether your lover is just dysfunctional or an actual bloodsucking vampire:Does she fear the crucifix, especially right after having sex with you?Does she bite you during sex?Does she draw blood when she bites you during sex?Does she appear to be soulless, most notably during fits of jealousy?Does she refer to you as her bloodmate?Does she hiss when you stick your stake into her?Do her eyes actually turn red when she lies to you?When being passive/aggressive, does her shadow disappear?When angry for no fucking reason, does her reflection in the mirror disappear?Does she tend to froth at the mouth for no apparent reason?Does she seem to fear sunlight, ...
Bangkok
2008-05-23 07:49:00
Blair finally approved my trip to Bangkok. Smithee sent her a message explaining that if I couldn't go to Bangkok, he would send me to the Philippines to help the TV division with their SAP implementation. This would not require her approval, since it's another division and would only require approval from the TV divsion's Finance department which has happily approved my trip because they need the expertise. By the way, I have no SAP expertise, but Blair does not know that. Even so, I'm sure the TV department wouldn't care if I had SAP expertise or not because expertise in this company is really not a requirement for anything. Regardless, she immediately approved my trip to Bangkok because she believes the Philippines is much worse than Bangkok.  Well, I don't know which is worse, but I'll at least be an expert on Bangkok when I'm through and can talk intelligently about Bangkok when I'm done. I'm tired. I think I'll go to sleep.... 
Blair and Bangkok
2008-05-20 04:24:00
Blair will not sign and approve my Travel Authorization form for a business trip to Thailand next week so that I can take care of urgent company business. She will, however, sign and approve a travel authorization form for a trip to Singapore where I have absolutely no company business. So even though my business is in Thailand, she will only approve a trip to Singapore.Blair has been very impressed with Singapore since the caning of Michael Fay in 1994. She has had little respect for Bangkok since the song One Night in Bangkok by Murray Head. While Blair certainly thinks Thailand is a beautiful place, she does not believe it's the place for me. Blair does not trust me in the same building, so there's no way in hell she's going to let me go to Bangkok.  I told Blair that Fessler the CIO specifically requested that I go to Bangkok. The form had already been signed by my boss Alan Smithee. And although Smithee doesn't really exist, like everyone else in the company, Blai...
Birthday with Blair
2008-05-16 00:52:00
Blair took me to a very expensive Sushi dinner for my birthday. This was a very sweet gesture on her part and only cost me $160.  Blair's husband is also in Finance and watches every debit like a hawk. If a restaurant is not on their approved vendor list, Blair is not allowed to spend a dime at that establishment. Her weekly expense report is reviewed and approved by her husband with strict criteria without exceptions. My favorite Sushi restaurant does not happen to be on this approved vendor list because it's overpriced from his perspective.So Blair gave me the choice of going to my favorite Sushi restaurant and paying for it myself or settling for a restaurant on their approved list and letting her pay. I chose my restaurant. It's my birthday, right?We started off with drinks. I had a dirty martini, she had a greyhound.  She asked me about Chelsea the Intern by saying, Cute intern this year. If I act like I don't think Chelsea the Intern is cute, Blair will know that...
Mojo
2008-05-03 18:25:00
I'd say it was a good week. Sure, there' s a lot of shit going on, especially with Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt causing havoc with her evil, manipulative, psycho antics, but I also got my mojo back this week, so all and all, I think the good outweighs the bad at this point.But you be the judge.Here's the bad:Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt stole McKinney's workprint copy of his 3D porn film staring Nick Zima and Candi Kans. Conklin's dead slutty wife's evil sister Fiona the Cunt also stole the hidden cam porn short I shot of Conklin deflowering Blendi the Virgin.Conklin is pissed off at me again, not only for the above, but he's decided to blame me again for the accidental death of his wife during our attempt to murder her. Mulhausen is happy. He's happy because he knows his new assistant hates me. He does not know why she hates me, but is very pleased that she does and has therefore been in a very good mood lately. I ha...
Sodomy Among Friends
2008-04-29 04:09:00
Apparently Lucia no longer enjoys sodomy with Tanner from Toys.  Recently Lucia stopped letting me sodomize her because I'm not religious. And although she did not believe she was cheating on her boyfriend while I was sodomizing her, she did believe she was sinning against God by being sodomized by a heathen. So to remedy the situation, she sought sodomy from Tanner, the Assistant Manager in Toys, with whom she was also attending weekly Bible Study. And although she was being sodomized by Tanner from Bible Study, she was still not cheating on her boyfriend because the act of sodomy is not technically intercourse. Lucia believes that if the dick doesn't touch the pussy, it isn't cheating. And since Tanner is a strong Christian and a faithful servant of God Almighty, sodomy with a Christian like him is much better than sodomy with a heathen like me. Unfortunately, sodomy with a Christian like Tanner is not nearly as fun as sodomy with a heathen like me. So Lucia has decided to...
Finance Approval
2008-04-10 22:06:00
Funding a project is an interesting process at my company. First off, the CER (Capital Expenditure Request) process takes forever just to put the proposal together. Once the proposal is finally put together, Finance must approve. And since Blair is responsible for my area, the already fucked up approval process is fucked up even more. Here's how it goes:Blair never approves funding for my projects while she's sleeping with me because she worries that someone will think she's sleeping with me.The only way she'll approve funding of my projects is if she isn't sleeping with me. She believes she is no longer sleeping with me when she is angry with me, even though she just slept with me the night before and will probably sleep with me again that same night. Therefore, the only way to get approval for the funding of my projects is to make Blair angry at me just before I meet with her to get approval for the funding of my projects. Here's the visual Flow Chart.The...
Why Not Murder Your Wife?
2008-03-29 19:51:00
Don't ask Why should I murder my wife? Ask Why not murder my wife? Conklin was depressed today because his wife is a slut. He was also depressed because Blendi the Unvirgin has been missing for weeks. Blendi the Unvirgin has not actually been missing, but has very successfully dodged running into Conklin for weeks. I told Conklin maybe she was dead. That didn't seem to lift his spirits, so I told him maybe she was merely unconscious in a ditch somewhere. But since he has not been able to focus his attention on Blendi the Unvirgin, he has been forced to focus his attention on his slutty wife again. This has depressed him greatly. So I told him it was time to murder his slutty wife. He wasn't down with the idea at first, but then I reminded him just how slutty his wife really was. I told him that she deserved to die and that if he got caught, it would be viewed as a crime of passion and he would get off with Temporary Insanity. Get a male judge, he'll know exactly what the fuck yo...
Italy
2008-03-21 19:46:00
There was nobody to fuck in the Rome office.Not because there weren't any good looking women. There were. Mama mia, there were some hot woman in that office. But everyone was already fucking someone else in the office, so there was nobody left to fuck me. Some were open about it, but most were subversive about their fucking. A lot of married people fucking. I thought it was bad back at the office in Los Angeles; but this, my friends, is what you call a major fucking fuck fest. So the problem was this: every time I started working some girl in the office, some angry guido would walk up with a smile on his face but threaten to choke the life out of me with his eyes. And I never knew who was fucking who, so I had to assume everyone was fucking everyone, otherwise I would get the life choked out of me by someone. At dinner, it was much more obvious. We sat at a large square table in a private room at a small restaurant. All the men were paired with the woman they were fucking...
Spain
2008-03-19 04:08:00
I was pleased to find the people at the office in Madrid were much less German than the people in the office in Berlin. In fact, they were not German at all. Nothing against Germans; there's just something about people who eat a lot of sausage that makes me uncomfortable. Mulhausen was surprised to find that the Spanish speak Mexican. I told him it was because the Mexicans conquered Spain in 1603. Most of the people spoke both English and Spanish, but I could understand neither. I couldn't understand their Spanish because I don't understand Spanish. Although Blair sometimes says chinga tu madre, and I know that has something to do with my mother. And one time a hot Peruvian woman I went out with told me no means no in Spanish. I was glad to hear that, because no usually means yes in English.  And I didn't understand their English because they spoke too fuckin' fast. It sounded like this: Lalalalalalalalalalalalala Christopher Columbus. I swear to God, they kept throwi...
Happy Monday
2008-03-04 02:32:00
I was happy to find out this morning that Blair took the pregnancy test over the weekend and confirmed that she was definitely pregnant with my baby.  She walked into my office clutching a Venti Vanilla Latte and with a very stern expression announced that she was, in fact, big with my child. Which is why I immediately knew she was lying. If Blair were really pregnant: She would be weeping uncontrollably for at least a week straight She would not be drinking coffee for fear of birth defectsShe would not declare it was my child even though she believes my sperm is stronger than her husband's spermAs I mentioned before, Blair would never make up something like this just to fuck with me. However, after the relief of finally getting her period, she would take advantage of the situation and test me.Knowing this, I responded with the utmost sincerity telling her that I would "be there for her" no matter what she decided to do. You could see that tiny sparkle in her eye an...
Aunt Flo
2008-03-01 03:48:00
We're still waiting for Aunt Flo to come visit. She's been out of town for over a month now and she's well overdue to make an appearance. I swear to God that ugly bitch better show her face soon or I'm going to lose my shit.The problem with Aunt Flo is that she always seems to show up when you least expect or want her to show up. Then everything just turns in to a big mess. And nobody ever tells you Aunt Flo is visiting until it's already too late. It would be nice if you were given the option of coming over or not based on the fact that Aunt Flo was already there. You know, something like, Hey, Aunt Flo is here, are you sure you want to come over?  Even then, it's not that easy to say, No, I'm going to delay my visit by a week and wait until Aunt Flo leaves town again. So I guess, either way, you're stuck.And when you're seeing multiple people, somehow and for some reason, everyone's Aunt Flo starts showing up the same time every month. So even if you did want to pas...
How to Murder Your Friend's Wife
2008-02-29 02:36:00
Conklin's slutty wife sent me an email today. Apparently, Conklin has been acting strange lately and she blames me for some reason for this sudden transformation. She listed the strange behavior:He doesn't interrogate her anymore after a late night out with "the girls"Nor does he conduct a panty check after a late night out with "the girls"He doesn't question her cell phone billHe no longer sends her text messages like "Where the fuck are you?" or "How come you won't answer my phone calls"He does not accuse her of sleeping with the neighborsHe does not accuse her of sleeping with the men and women who attend her aerobics classHe is not generally suspicious of her, even when she tries to incite him with innuendoHe does not seem to care if anyone is fucking herHe does not try to fuck her himselfHe switched from Diet Coke to Diet PepsiShe demanded to know what I've done to him. And, of course, she threatened to go to Blair if I did not tell ...
Blair's Baby
2008-02-28 02:47:00
Piss on the fucking stick.Blair is being a bitch, as usual. I bought her a pregnancy test because she won't do it herself. She's late by a week. But she believes that if she takes the test, the result will be positive. Not because she necessarily believes she's actually pregnant, but because she believes that taking the test will somehow make her pregnant. She believes the only way to get a negative result from the test is to not take the test at all. So if she doesn't take the test, she isn't pregnant. You either are pregnant or you're not. Just piss on the fucking stick.What would happen if Blair was pregnant? No good scenario comes to mind. Maybe I should just push her down the stairs. A little tumble to fix things up. Okay, look, I'm not that cruel. Just because the thought crosses my mind doesn't mean I'll do it. Oh wait... I usually do act on the crazy thoughts that cross my mind...Oh Blair... Let's take the stairs so that we don't run into anyone...No cameras, no ...
Office Romance
2008-02-23 20:53:00
Office Romance Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else… One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you.” But the girl said NO. Johnny said, “I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the ...
The Big Night
2008-02-16 03:21:00
Conklin spent a great deal of time today trying to talk to me. However, I would not talk to him because I can't fully trust him until he makes a show of good faith by deflowering Blendi the Virgin. Which is exactly why he wanted to talk to me. He wanted to try to get out of deflowering Blendi the Virgin, but in order to talk me out of it, he has to go through with it because I won't talk to him until he's actually done it. Of course, the discussion becomes a moot point after the fact. He doesn't want to deflower Blendi the Virgin because he wants to be faithful to his unfaithful wife. But since his slutty wife does trust him and I don't trust him, he's more concerned about me than her right now. So because his wife trusts him, he's willing to cheat on her to make sure that I trust him. It's a beautiful thing, isn't it?We have the camera crew and set ready. It's an actual porn set. I got Nick Zima to swing it for me. I've got a dining room set and a bedroom set in a wareho...
Valentine's Day
2008-02-15 01:48:00
Women love Valentine's day; men hate it. So why the fuck do we put up with it?Romance is a woman's fantasy. Men only deliver when they're trying to fuck a woman or avoid her wrath. Which is why romance always dies. Because it's pretend. Either the man gets laid or he just doesn't give a shit about her goddamn wrath anymore. A message to women: We hate Valentine's day and sooner or later your obsession with this stupid consumer holiday will make us hate you too. I don't want to buy you candy because it'll just make you gain more weight; and you're already pushing maximum density. I don't want to buy you diamonds because that won't get me laid half as good as fifty bucks will get me laid by someone I buy a few drinks for in a bar, or even a hooker I find on the street. The only thing that matters in a relationship is seduction. Because its here and it's now and it's good for both the man and the woman. Seduction is real, because you both get turned on by it. If one o...
Virgin Killer
2008-02-13 03:04:00
If I'm going to fully trust Conklin again, he must first provide me with a show of good faith. Since trust is the most important thing to Conklin, he will do anything to prove he is trustworthy. The show of good faith I require is for Conklin to deflower Blendi the Virgin. So by committing adultery, he will prove he is worthy of trust. Killing the virgin in Blendi will actually accomplish five things: 1. Provide a show of good faith for Conklin 2. Get Conklin laid 3. Get me laid without being "The One" 4. Provide a big "Fuck You" to Conklin's big fat slut-of-a-wife 5. Pave the way for me to convince Conklin to murder his wife Gladstone told me that Conklin said that he needed to think about it. I told Gladstone to tell Conklin that if he was really trustworthy, he wouldn't have to think about a show of good faith; he'd just agree to do it. Gladstone told Conklin what I said, and Conklin just agreed to do it.  So the plan is to do it this Friday ...
Bertha is not Anorexic
2008-02-09 03:31:00
Bertha is not anorexic even though at 5'6" she weighs 90 pounds and will only eat two saltine crackers per day because she believes her body is hideously fat.Bertha is Kornfeld's assistant. And although Kornfeld always pretends to be healthy, he is always afflicted with some illness. Bertha always perpetuates his delusion by telling Kornfeld how healthy and fit he looks even though he looks like death. In turn, Kornfeld always tells Bertha how healthy she looks even though she looks like a Sally Struthers photo op from Ethiopia. They work very well together. My assistant Teri is friends with Bertha. Teri is about ten pounds overweight and is currently taking a suppliment to neutralize carbs and shed the excess. Bertha is jealous of Teri because she believes Teri is much skinnier than she is even though Teri is about 40 pounds heavier than Bertha. Teri is not jealous of Bertha because Bertha is about to die.Blair is jealous of Bertha, but not because she is...
Still Sick
2008-02-08 03:01:00
Here's the dilemma: If you don't come into work because of a simple little cold, everyone thinks you're a big pussy. Worse, in my case, I have to be home with my wife all day. But that's another discussion... But, if you do come into work, everyone says, Go home, you need rest and all you're doing is spreading the germs.Ideally, you come into work and show everyone how sick and miserable you are so they'll tell you to go home; you finally leave, go to some user's place and fuck like rabbits. Then you're golden all around. That's if you have the strength to do it, which I don't.  So I came into work for one specific reason: to infect Blair. While I waited in her office, I wiped my nose with my hand and then touched everything I knew she'd touch in her office. Phone, keyboard, mouse, etc. When she came into her office, she closed her door to give me a kiss, as she often does. That's all she'll do though. No hanky panky. She's very strict about that. As soon as she g...
Sick
2008-02-07 02:34:00
I'm sick. With a cold. [cough, cough]I still went to work. But I didn't have the strength to manage Blair, so I hid from her all day. Blendi the Virgin found me though. Now that she's made the decision to give up her virginity, she's horny as fuck. If I wasn't this sick and hopped up on cold pills, I'd have done it. Right in my office. I can't get Conklin to do it because I'm not speaking to him because I can't trust him. In fact, he's been freaking out all day because Gladstone told him I was no longer speaking to him because I don't trust him. Which is all part of the plan. Not the Deflower Blendi the Virgin plan, but the Get Conklin to murder his slutty wife plan. Because if I'm going to get him to deflower Blendi the Virgin, I need to get him to stop talking to his wife by refusing to talk to him because I don't trust him. Once that happens, I can trust him, then speak to him again, then convince him to deflower Blendi the Virgin. Oh, and convince him to murder...
Last Night with Blair
2008-01-31 03:22:00
Schizophrenia, from the Greek roots schizein (σχ?ζε&i-ota;ν, "to split") and phr?n, phren- (φρ?ν, φρεν-, "mind"), is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction.Psychosis is a generic psychiatric term for a mental state often described as involving a "loss of contact with reality." Stedman's Medical Dictionary defines psychosis as "a severe mental disorder, with or without organic damage, characterized by derangement of personality and loss of contact with reality and causing deterioration of normal social functioning."[1 Puddle of Mudd combines the two words "Schizophrenic psycho" in their song "Psycho"...
Like a Virgin
2008-01-30 02:35:00
Conklin hasn't gotten laid since Christmas, even though his wife gets laid on a regular basis.  This was a very generous gift given there's barely enough to go around as it is. She maintains a very full queue. I was eating chicken noodle soup the other day when Blendi the Virgin told me that she was ready to give up her virginity. I choked on a noodle, which almost came back out through my nose. And although I do not want to be "The One", I thought Conklin might enjoy sleeping with someone who was clean and pure, since his wife's snatch had about as much traffic as a motel with an hourly rate. Convincing Blendi the Virgin to lose her virginity to Conklin was easy. I told her that he was like a virgin himself because his wife typically only had sex with men who were not him. And although she was completely unfaithful, he was as faithful as a eunuch. I told her that he was suicidal as a result and that there would be no greater cause than to give up one's virgi...
Da Vinci's Relationship Rant- Office Romance: Taboo or To-Do?
2008-01-28 06:00:00
Office Romance: Taboo or To-Do?What you need to know before attending your holiday office partyBy Andrea Syrtash, ONDatingSpecial to Yahoo! PersonalsAndrea Syrtash interviews two office romance veterans with decidedly different points of view. See what they say about workplace affairs.I remember being one of the first to arrive in math class in seventh grade because I wanted to snag a seat close to my crush, Jonathan. Jonathan was about 5 inches shorter than I was and much better at integers. Learning was more fun with him around.Fast forward a decade to my first job out of college. I dressed up in my finest sweater set to impress a new employee a few cubicles over. After a few weeks of our eyeing each other in meetings and dining in the horrible cafeteria downstairs, he asked me out and we began a covert office romance that lasted a year. While the relationship started in the office, it did not end because of the office.As far as I know, our office mates had no idea about the relat...
User Status
2008-01-12 03:01:00
Athena the Lesbian has decided not to be a lesbian after all. And although she's still a Greek Lesbian, she is no longer a gay lesbian. At the Christmas party curiosity got the best of her and she decided to experiment with Jane from Softlines, leaving me and stiffy out in the cold. Apparently she enjoyed it quite a bit. So much so, she thought it had taken and she became a lesbian. But it didn't quite take the way she thought it had taken because she really started missing stiffy, something Jane from Softlines could not provide. So she's now back for more, which is good for me since I've fallen a little short after the whole Christmas party debacle. For example, Lucia has not been the same since she found God and started attending Mulhausen's weekly Bible study. She believes that committing adultery with a fellow member of the Bible study group is somehow more acceptable in the Lord's eyes than fucking an agnostic like myself. After all, they have the same beliefs, they're o...
Tree Sex
2008-01-10 02:01:00
I had sex with Blair in a tree last night.Location, location, location. Much like buying a home, when you're having an affair, these are the three most important factors. My office is equipped with a couch and a beautiful view of the city. Yet, Blair will not have sex with me at the office. Maybe she values her job or something equally ridiculous. Regardless, she's not down with it. Often, her husband is across town working late and we have free reign at her place for a couple of hours. Other times, we resort to car sex. She's not too fond of car sex either because it seems to cheapen the adultery. A sleazy motel is out of the question; it makes her feel like a hooker instead of just a plain slut. Finding the right location is very difficult. So often we end up at the park.There's a little park near the office that's actually safe after dark with very few people roaming around. There's a nice picnic table by a tree which is half surrounded by bushes. The picnic table is made o...
Candi Kans
2008-01-08 02:42:00
I ran into Wheels, a-hem, I mean Kristy today in the hallway. I'm trying to be sensitive to the "handy capable" now that her boss Plotkin is in a wheel chair. He's now confined to a wheel chair because he fears losing the use of his legs even though he has not actually lost the use of them yet. I'll stop referring to Kristy as "Wheels" because it seems much more fitting for me to refer to Plotkin as "Wheels" now that he actually rolls down the hallway.Kristy was wearing a skirt that I'm sure fell just outside corporate standards on acceptable attire for the workplace. The long slit running up the backside didn't help, but who's gonna say anything? I guess someone complained about Athena the Lesbian's tits, so anything is possible. Kristy said that she finally met Smithee. She had a sparkle in her eye and a devious smile. A wave of nausea rolled over me.I caught Smithee coming out of his office. He was on his way up to Conference room 3402 to meet...
New Year's Resolutions
2008-01-01 00:43:00
I don't usually do this, but since this has been a stellar year and I've gotten away with much more shit than is reasonable for one man without at least getting fired or at most murdered, I've decided to list out my new year's resolutions. I will not blame everything on Smithee. Here's a man who has worked hard to build up a solid reputation at this company and if I continue to blame him for every misstep I take, he's not going to last long at this corporation. And I need him to stick around for a very long time. I will get others to cut down on swearing around the office. Since I implemented the reverse swear jar, people have increased their swearing to avoid contributing a dollar everytime they come into my office and do not swear. As such, it's not generating enough fucking revenue. Just enough to buy me lunch every day would be superb. Goddamn it. Where are all those Bible Study fuckers when you need them?I will cease attempting suicide. Sure my failed attempted suicide w...
Less Painful than Expected
2007-12-29 00:49:00
Blair stopped by my office today. She had a sweet smile on her face, so I immediately knew she hated me again. She obviously found out about my conversation with Kornfeld. Blair does not like to let the cat out of the bag right away. She likes to see if she can catch me in a lie so that her condemnation can be that much more fervent. "I was thinking," she said. "If you really need the extra money in the training budget for legitimate business reasons, I shouldn't deny you the increase just because you can't answer a simple question."I knew what was coming, and since Kornfeld already took care of the issue and I was not sitting in the six hour Outlook Calendar training class which was going on at this very moment, I decided to see how long Blair could maintain her fake sweet demeanor.  "Well," I said. "I actually did answer the question. You just didn't like the answer."I could see a wave of irritation roll over her face, but she held h...
How to Maintain a Disfunctional Relationship
2007-12-22 00:50:00
"I love you because you make me happy," I said.She again stared at me with the look of stone cold granite.  There are those of you who have asked if I really love Blair or not. I actually do love Blair, but not because she makes me happy. In fact, I stay in the relationship with Blair because she doesn't make me happy. If she did make me happy, I might get the bright idea to leave my wife to start a whole new relationship that would land me in the exact same situation I'm in now a couple years down the road. I don't know exactly why I love Blair, which makes it very hard to answer her question truthfully or otherwise. She, unlike anyone else in the User Pool, fills a mystery void left by the fucked up relationship I have with my wife. There's probably a better way to fill that void, but until I know exactly what the void is, I can't really make adjustments.So I put up with her shit, but not because she's beautiful or because she's the most sexual person I...
How to Maintain a Dysfunctional Relationship
2007-12-22 00:50:00
"I love you because you make me happy," I said.She again stared at me with the look of stone cold granite.  There are those of you who have asked if I really love Blair or not. I actually do love Blair, but not because she makes me happy. In fact, I stay in the relationship with Blair because she doesn't make me happy. If she did make me happy, I might get the bright idea to leave my wife to start a whole new relationship that would land me in the exact same situation I'm in now a couple years down the road. I don't know exactly why I love Blair, which makes it very hard to answer her question truthfully or otherwise. She, unlike anyone else in the User Pool, fills a mystery void left by the fucked up relationship I have with my wife. There's probably a better way to fill that void, but until I know exactly what the void is, I can't really make adjustments.So I put up with her shit, but not because she's beautiful or because she's the most sexual person I...
The Blair Treatment
2007-12-21 02:12:00
I can never tell Blair the truth because she always believes it's a lie. Most of the time it is a lie, so most of the time she's correct. But with a lie, I always work out the details so that I'm ready for her inquisition. But when I tell the truth, it takes me off guard when she suddenly decides to interrogate me. This makes it seem like I've been caught in a lie, when really I've just been caught in a truth. I just never prepare myself for the truth as well as I do for a lie. Although I have found myself telling lies to support the truth. That's usually done on the fly and never comes off as well as something rehearsed. So telling Blair the truth about my deal with Bouncy Beth Bigalow to get out of Outlook training would only get me into trouble for being untruthful. That means, in order for Blair to believe the truth, I need to tell her a lie. Even if I were honest up front about it and she somehow believed me, she'd n...
Blendi the Virgin
2007-12-18 01:15:00
I hope you don't think I'm prejudice or anything, but I typically don't associate with virgins. I think it's the way I was brought up. I'm not trying to blame my parents, but neither of them were virgins. They didn't set a very good example for their children by having sex and giving birth to us. Although I thought for a while that my father was a virgin. Then one day I took a long hard look in the mirror and realized I was just like him. And I was no virgin...I'm not going to say virgins are second class citizens or that they should not have the same rights as the rest of us, but I do like to keep my distance. It's hard to relate to someone who doesn't self-indulge. I mean, clearly our bodies are meant to have sex, so when I run across someone who practices self-control over their sexual desires, I want absolutely nothing to do with that person.I used to think we should round up all the virgins and put them on an island where they could live happily without sex. And once t...
Office Holiday Party Aftermath
2007-12-15 02:38:00
Well, looks like Tefft picked the right theme for year's office holiday party after all. The party couldn't have been more apocalyptic... Not for everyone. Just me.Sorry, the blog is a little long today, but a lot of shit went down last night... The party was held in one of the large ballrooms at the Red Lion Hotel with 6 tables of appetizers set up at one end, a stage with a DJ at the other end, and full bars positioned in each corner of the expansive hall. At 7:00 sharp, a cavalcade of young aspiring actors and actresses pretending to be servers came crashing through the double doors with your choice of a fish or chicken plate. The food was average, but nobody was here for the food. At my table sat Gladstone, Conklin, Petrizzo, McKinney, Kessler, and a few miscellaneous staffers. We were all having a conversation, but rarely did we look at each other. Our eyes were darting back and forth like pin-balls racking up points between two bumpers. Women looked depraved and immora...
Office romance
2007-12-14 14:31:00
Are office romances really kept secret? I was chatting with some lady friends today about someone we knew who was having a ?secret? relationship with a colleague. Secret meaning they think nobody knows when in fact, the whole office does. Secret meaning no one should know when in fact everybody does? everybody except the guy?s ... [ This is a content summary only. Visit PinoyBlogoSphere.com for full links, other content, and more! ]
Office romance
2007-12-14 14:15:00
Are office romances really kept secret? I was chatting with some lady friends today about someone we knew who was having a "secret" relationship with a colleague. Secret meaning they think nobody knows when in fact, the whole office does. Secret meaning no one should know when in fact everybody does... everybody except the guy's "official" girlfriend.
Office Holiday Party Preparation
2007-12-14 01:31:00
The office holiday party begins in just a couple of hours and Gladstone has printed all the counterfeit drink tickets we'll need. Tefft is already over at the hotel with her staff putting up the Apocalypse decorations. Celebrating Christ's first coming vs. his second coming--what's the difference? A little vengeance and destruction, that's all. And forget the rest of the religions this year; we like to keep a narrow focus at this company. It's like when your eyes are bigger than your stomach and you order more than you can eat. There's only so much religion a company can swallow and its hard enough keeping Christianity down. So Tefft has stuck to the basics and will only acknowledge Christ's birth with her decorations this holiday season, and of course his second coming and the destruction of the Earth. Most people are getting ready for the party at this point. The women are slutting it up: sliding into short skirts with high slits the run up the thigh or even better, straigh...
Office Holiday Party DOs and DON'Ts
2007-12-13 03:39:00
The annual office holiday party is tomorrow night so HR published their annual office holiday party DOs and DON'Ts memo. This is the memo which specifies exactly what appropriate behavior is for a party that has been meticulously planned and orchestrated to enable inappropriate behavior."While this is certainly a time of celebration, excessive drinking is inappropriate..." Whi-le alcohol will be served, each person will only receive two drink tickets in order to keep people from the excessive drinking that occurs with an open bar. This also saves the company a considerable amount of money and minimizes the liability associated with any alcohol related car accidents after the party.  However, senior executives will be given black wrist bands which allows them to get unlimited free drinks. So apparently it is appropriate for senior executives to drink excessively and anyone else who kisses their ass that evening. "While there is no policy against dating cowork...
Cleavage in the Workplace
2007-12-12 00:06:00
Blair and Athena the Lesbian were both in a bad mood today. Blair, because she was stood up for Sushi the night before by my imaginary boss and Athena the Lesbian, because someone was offended by her cleavage and complained to HR. Blair would not tell me why she was in such a bad mood, although of course, I already knew. She looked absolutely stunning. More makeup than usual and more cleavage. This, I suppose, was done to make it very clear to Smithee that he had missed out on some good shit because of his rude cancellation. But when Blair stopped by Smithee's office, she did not find the nonexistent man, so she yelled at Teri because her new imaginary boss wasn't available. She left more pissed off than when she came. Last night must have been spectacular. After all, she waited an entire hour for a man who doesn't exist to show up for dinner. When she finally got his text message cancelling, she probably threw her phone at the waiter, screamed obscenities and stormed out of the ...
Everybody Loves Sushi
2007-12-10 13:16:00
There's nothing like starting your week with a sushi lunch on the company tab. The staff was very excited, as most of them enjoy eating raw fish with gobs of wasabi in muddied soy sauce. They were also looking forward to meeting Smithee, the new boss, but unfortunately he had to take a rain check, as an important meeting came up last minute.I put the lunch on my company AMX, even though Mulhausen won't sign my expense report if there's even a trace of sushi on it. He believes sushi is too lavish for menial workers like me and my staff. But now Smithee will be signing my expense reports... Company policy states that you cannot sign for a company lunch if you attend the lunch; unscrupulous employees might take advantage of a situation like that. However, since Smithee didn't attend the lunch, he can sign my expense report and I haven't broken any rules. As far as I know, nobody has ever published a policy against making up a pretend boss.   Blair took my advice and sent...
Holiday Spirit
2007-12-04 23:45:00
I don't have any.But Tefft has enough for everyone. She started putting up wreaths and table top trees with lights and balls, lots and lots of red and blue balls. Her theme this year is the Apocalypse. I'm not sure she understands what the Apocalypse actually is, just that it has something to do with Christ. Even so, the Bible Study group is very pleased with her choice because it at least implies our celebration will be all about Christmas instead of this all inclusive "Happy Holidays" bullshit. It's not that they're intolerant of other beliefs, they just think everyone but Christians should be quiet about it. Gladstone and McKinney are again having two hour planning meetings each morning with Tefft, not only to plan decorations for our floor, but because Tefft is also on the Holiday Party Planning Committee this year and will need their help with that as well. As grueling as this effort is for my two peers, it will all be worth it in the end, given one of them will b...
Under Commit, Over Deliver
2007-12-04 03:37:00
We had a big financial planning meeting today to discuss capital expenditure requests for 2008. Attending were Finance, Accounting, and I.T.  Finance would tell I.T. what the business told Finance they needed for 2008, and I.T. would agree to do exactly half of what they requested. Finance always requested twice as much as they needed, knowing I.T. would only commit to half the request. I.T. knows this is their strategy, but since we could actually do twice what they originally requested, we were really only committing to a quarter of our capability. Always under commit so that you can over deliver...Gladstone decided it was time to play his game. In big meetings like this, he liked to go around the table and rank the women in the order in which he'd bang them. Here's how it went:(1) Blair, (2) Lucia, (3) Susan, (4) Celeste, (5) Tefft.Agree?--------------------------------------------Sent from Gladstone's Blackberry wireless handheldI d...
The Urinal Test Prevails!
2007-11-24 00:46:00
The Friday after Thanksgiving is always dead which is why I like to be here. It gives me plenty of time to do less than I usually do, which is already almost nothing.Conklin stopped by in the morning to brag about his new iPhone. I used to have a Treo 750, but got tired of people calling it a Blackberry, so I switched to a Blackberry Titanium Curve 8310 so that when people called it a Blackberry, it would actually be a Blackberry. His iPhone was impressive, so I asked if I could hold it. He proudly handed it over, after which I casually rubbed it all over my crotch, then handed it back to him and said, "Enjoy." Blair was not in today, nor was Wheels. Both Brandi and Melanie were in but have distanced themselves from me since the unintended failed attempted suicide. I think they both worry that I might attempt suicide again in their presence. If they are somehow connected to my demise, it would not bode well for their commit...
Half-Days
2007-11-21 20:44:00
I love the half-day before Thanksgiving because Mulhausen always forces me to work a full day. The company issued an email at about 10:00 am this morning stating that today would officially be a half-day. The company always does this the day before every major holiday. There's no policy that states employees are entitled to a half day before every major holiday, but you can still count on it every time. Unfortunately for some, the email also includes the clause, "with your manager's approval". Mulhausen loves this clause because he loves to use it against me. I love that he loves this clause and loves to use it against me because it benefits me.  "Since you support Finance, you need to be here if they're here," he always says. "If they go home early, you can go home early." He says this because he knows that Finance will not go home early. However, I know Finance will go home early because Blair is Finance. &nb...
Megan the Suicide Hotline Volunteer
2007-11-19 20:52:00
Blair has resumed talking to me now that she's resigned to the fact that I didn't commit suicide because I couldn't live with myself because she was angry with me for flirting with another woman. Actually, she was resigned to this last week when I didn't actually take the plunge, even though I never intended to take the plunge because it was all just a misunderstanding. Either way, she realized I could live with myself even though she was angry with me for flirting with another woman. She knew about me flirting with another woman, thanks to the intern who is an idiot. And even though Blair was resigned to all this last week, she continued to ignore me as punishment for not actually taking the plunge. If I had taken the plunge, she would have been sad that I was dead, but very pleased that I was that distraught over the fact that she was angry with me for flirting with another woman. Blair's twisted sense of relationship head games worked in my favor since it gave me time t...
Brenda from Toys
2007-11-09 01:04:00
Brenda from Toys stopped by today to offer depression counseling because of my unintentional attempted suicide yesterday. While this seems very charitable on the surface, especially since she has no formal training in depression counseling, I suspect Brenda is just the first to emerge who is actually turned on by my unintentional attempted suicide.She's a cute, Peter Pan looking woman; short blond hair with light blue tinted lenses in her glasses. I always thought she was a lesbian (not the Greek kind). But maybe not."What do you think drove you to the edge?" She asks. "No pun intended." "I had no intention of committing suicide," I say."Then you did it for the attention?" She asks. "Why do you think you're so starved for attention?"Ah, the window of opportunity..."Well... My wife doesn't..." I say and then leave her hanging just long enough until I blurt out: "...I can't talk about it...
Suicidal
2007-11-07 20:00:00
Everyone believes I'm suicidal. Mainly because I'm on the roof of our 32 floor building, standing on the edge looking down. I'm typing this with my BlackBerry, which probably looks to those below like I'm sending a final good-bye cruel world note to everyone. There's a fire truck and a couple of police cars below. And lots of people.I went into the stairwell to run up one floor, but forgot the doors lock once inside the stairwell. How stupid is that? I was on the 31st floor and didn't feel like walking all the way down to the 1st floor to get out. but nobody responded to my knocks. So I went up to the roof, but again, the door locked behind me.The view from above reminds me of a map in Half-Life which we play in the Test Lab. But in the game you can jump off the building and only lose 10% health. I doubt the ratio is the same in real life. I guess someone saw me looking over the edge and thought the worst, called the cops or something. They think I'm a jumper.I coul...
Frosty Frappuccino
2007-11-07 00:44:00
They started carting in bottled Frappuccinos as a result of the Star Buck's Cam. If we could improve productivity by reducing the time it takes to go down stairs and across the street to Star Bucks by showing employees the Star Bucks line on the company Intranet, think of how much time savings we would gain by bringing Star Bucks directly to the office? I've got to admit, having a cold Frapp within a few feet of my office is a lot more convenient than leaving the building. Imagine all the people I won't run into making my way outside of the building. But I like my Frapps frosty. So I'll grab a bottle and throw it into the freezer to get it nice and freezy cold. The problem is, someone keeps stealing it. I wonder if it's the same person who's trying to kill me? And I don't mean Blair. I mean the other one. Assuming they're not one and the same, that is... I told Teri her primary job was to now ensure all my Frapps were frosty by the time they got...
The Intern is an Idiot
2007-11-06 02:25:00
Blair hates me again, which is why I hate the intern. Now let me clarify: I like female interns; I despise any other kind. This particular intern, the one I hate, happens to be a male intern. I don't know his name, nor do I want to know his name. If I knew his name, I would still call him "intern."  The simple fact is: interns are idiots. I was an intern once, and I was also an idiot once. That fact drudges up absolutely zero sympathy. But I hate this particular intern more than any other intern. I walked into his meager little cubicle, sat myself down on his desk and flashed him a forced smile.  "Tell me, intern..." I said. "Did you speak to Blair this morning?" "Blair?" he repeated. "Blair from Finance." "Oh yeah. Why?" I forced another smile.  "Did my name happen to come up?" The intern thought about it, long and hard, then as if the microwave dinged, he lit up and nodded.   "Did she ask who had been up to see me today?" The intern nodded quicker th...
Kessler and the Multi-Purpose Copier
2007-11-03 03:39:00
Kessler is a dick.He's the Exchange Manager, responsible for email services. And he and the weasels he calls his staff are assholes. Being around these guys is like being back in high school. They're that clique of kids who were complete dicks to everyone. Always pulling pranks, always trying to make you look stupid. For example, Norbury is a programmer in my group and an easy target. He's friendly, overweight, and a slow wit. The "floor leader" got a new bull horn for evacuation purposes, and Kessler knew Norbury would just have to try it if he saw it. So he put brown marker around the part you speak into. And as soon as Norbury saw it, he had to try it. He walked around with a brown circle around his mouth most of the day. He couldn't figure out why people were calling him a "kiss ass". For the past few weeks, every time I see Kessler or one of his cronies, they look at me, shake their head, and simply say: "You dog...&quo...
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