Foghorn

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Moving up in the world
2007-07-07 18:28:00
I have moved my blog to its own site:www.batboysmack.comUnfortunately, my blog will no longer be known as foghorn--- which was an obscure reference to Barry Bond's 715th home run that no one seemed to get. I don't like to explain jokes too often, but seeing as how this is one of my all time favorite moments in sports, i'll make an exception here.Barry Bond's 715th homerun (in certain sports circles) is known as "the shot not heard round the world". When he hit his 715th to pass Ruth, the local radio announcer's microphone went dead at the worst (or maybe best) possible moment. If you were listening to that game in say, your car the call would have sounded something like this:"3-2. Finley runs. The payoff pitch. A swing and a drive to deep cen..." [sound of crowd going nuts][foghorn blasting from bay][more crowd][foghorn again][crowd][foghorn]"I think, I think we have lost Dave's microphone. Barry Bonds has just hit his 715th career home run..."It was so fitting that som...
More About: World , Moving , The World

Chestnut roasts Kobayashi
2007-07-05 17:19:00
Move over Kobayashi , there is a new pig in town-- and his name is Chestnut . In what can only be described as one of the most intense, breathtaking and disgusting battles in the history of circus contests, Joey Chestnut devoured all challenger's by consuming 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes at this year's "Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest". That mark set a new world record and proved that Chestnut is now a force to be reckoned with in the world of gastrointestinal sports.What happened to the great Kobayashi, you say? Well, from what I saw, a lot. After playing every excuse in the book before the competition, "The Tsunami" came out guns-a-blazing and teeth-a-chomping during the feast. For 11 minutes or so, it looked as if his alleged sprained jaw would not keep him from a 7th consecutive Mustard Yellow Belt. Dude was crushing buns double time and stalking Chestnut like a hungry lion. And when it finally looked as if Kobayashi was about to swallow Chestnut at the 10:30 mark, I though...

America's Favorite Athletes
2007-07-04 02:51:00
The people at Harris Polls (best known for their contributions to BCS lunacy) have spent the off-season compiling an equally legitimate ranking of "America's Favor ite Athletes of 2007". Since I, personally, have no character flaws or faults I thought, "Who better to pass judgement on this list than myself?" Here's my breakdown:#10. Tom BradyThe only thing more predictable than Brady's pearly whites in the big game is his name on a list like this. Yes, the Golden Boy is hanging on at number 10. Three rings, a super-model on your arm and an illegitimate child will always get you in the news and in the hearts of the American public.#9. Kobe BryantAmerica either appreciates great talent or loves good drama. My guess is the latter. If you were compiling a ranking of whining-little babies, Bryant would compete with T.O. for the top spot year in and year out. In this case, Kobe made enough jumpers and wet enough Laker diapers to stay in the top ten for another year.#8 Peyton ManningFrom...

It's Wei time
2007-06-30 17:53:00
It's official, Michelle Wei is now worse at golf than she was when she was 12-- and she has no business crashing the professional tour. On Thursday, she managed to extend her streak of over-par-futility by scratching an 82 at the first round of the US Women's Open. Wei, who is always good for a foolish, disillusioned comment said, "It's ridiculous how close I was to shooting 69... I'm so close." Actually, your not close. You can't possibly sit there with a straight face and tell us you almost had a great round. I mean, what is that? And I'm almost an NFL quaterback -- I just haven't layed the hardwoods in my basement dog-fighting arena yet.She went on to explain that there's, "just a very fine line between shooting 69 and shooting what I shot." Nah, actually that line's pretty broad -- 13 strokes broad. And if you can't see that, then you'd better get your eyes (or your head) checked. Then she silenced all of her doubers with her, "I just need to see the ball go where I w...
More About: Time

Baseball Blunders
2007-06-30 17:52:00
Nothing brings me more pleasure than watching people spoil what should be memorable moments in their lives. That being said, you know I loved Thursday night's "historic" events on the diamond. Craig Biggio getting thrown out at third on his 3000th hit was epic. Instead of pulling up at second and savoring the moment (in what was otherwise a meaningless game), dude tried to go Roger Dorn with it and stretch it for three. I love the heart, the hustle, the passion-- but unfortunately for Big's, his heart bit off more than his legs could motor. Before the crowd could even start chanting "Biggio!", Craig was getting rung up at third for a "technical single". The ultimate way to break a record: on a technicality. Now, every time he tells that story, he is going to have to end it with a disclaimer, "Yah, I got thrown out at third, but it still counts as a hit. Really, look it up-- it's legit. How else would they be able to properly calculate the pitcher's ERA?"Shortly after that went d...
More About: Baseball , Blunder , Lund

Draft Guy
2007-06-29 03:59:00
ESPN running the headline: "Portland made Greg Oden the No. 1 pick in the NBA draft. Kevin Durant (as expected) went No. 2. Now things should get interesting..." on their front page last night was hilarious. Are we stupid enough to read that and immediately slap the 4 letter on the tube for draft coverage? Why would things now get interesting? Are they starting to get interesting because the only guys we know about are now off the board? Because 58 guys that we've never heard of are about to get drafted? This draft was Oden and Durant, period. Nobody should, and hardly anybody does care about the rest. If you do, then you'd better be scratching the checks for an NBA team or else your probably "draft guy". Draft guy is the worst person in the world as far as I am concerned. At least "fantasy guy" is talking about something relevant. At least he's throwing current stats and injury reports out at you; which sometimes can be interesting. Draft guy is literally talking about n...

Best Crosby, best of Schrute
2007-06-29 01:11:00
Tossing some vids at you because I'm packing for the FLA.... plus baseball sucks.Read More
More About: Crosby

Bears tank the Tank
2007-06-27 05:35:00
So much for turning your life around, hunh Tank ? That lasted about a week. I'm almost disappointed. When you came out with that "Man of the Year" blast, I actually thought you had a chance. I thought the voters wouldn't be swayed by the fact that, not only are you named after a weapon, you also did 60 days in the slammer for possessing some illegally. I mean, it would have been so priceless to see you rolling into the salvation army strapped; kissing babies, swiping your Hancock, building homes; face on the cover of Time in your pimp shades--- that really would have been great. You could have donated some old firearms to the war or taught some convenience store clerks how to fire a glock. It was all panning out-- that is, until you decided to roll drunk in Gilbert Arizona at 3:30 in the morning. Look, I know that if there's something happening, it's happening in Gilbert Arizona and it's happening at 3:30 am, but honestly, the last thing you needed was more rope to hang ...
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Life, Liberty and the pursuit of the asterisk
2007-06-25 19:16:00
7 to tie, eight to break. Freak-head is closing in on his historic asterisk and I love this circus he's created. The Hammer still says he's not showing up to watch Bonds break his record (despite the fact that he's been offered an all expenses paid trip to follow Big Dome around). Bud Selig says he's making no adjustments to his schedule for this nonsense and Barry continues to be Barry. So, basically, the most revered record in the history of sports is about to be broken and the current record holder isn't gonna be there, the commissioner of baseball won't bump any appointments to get there, and the guy who has worked his entire life (on the field and in the stalls) to get to this point, for some reason, doesn't want to talk about it. What a memorable event this is going to be.I would try to make some comparison here, but there really is no similar situation in all of sports. I mean, this isn't Rickey Henderson upping Lou Brock's record and then moments later blasting Broc...
More About: Life , Liberty , Asterisk , Suit , Aster

What I'm tubing
2007-06-25 02:08:00
Randy Johnson goes population control against the mets; Stupid cats make me laugh.Read More
More About: Tubing , Bing

Boo Poker, Hooray Carl Lewis
2007-06-23 02:33:00
After a long day of work, I sit down to get my daily fix of the four letter and I get Texas Hold Em force fed to me. "Hell no", I say to myself. So I switch it over to FSN-- more poker. Jesus H. Is this poker fad ever going to end? Who the hell is still watching this stuff? Look, I understand that guys can make absurd amounts of jack at the turn of a card, and that there definitely is something compelling about that-- but doesn't this whole clown act get old after a while? I mean, it's so predictable. Load-mouthed showboat with hat on sideways or glasses upside down (or some other sophomoric attempt at getting television play) is screaming for a card; dude across the table is going statue on us: no muscle movement, no facial expression, dark glasses, black hat-- dude is freaking zoning it (kind of like what we do when someone other than our boss asks for volunteers or like when a professor wants a verbal answer from the class). Is that really what it takes to be a professi...
More About: Poker , Carl , Lewis , Poke

Man Crushes
2007-06-21 15:06:00
EldrickRemember just one year ago when we were all laughing about steroid testing in golf? Well, now that Eldrick has gone Ed Hocules on us, nobody is laughing. PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem claims that golf will start testing for steroids within a year. I say have at it. What I once thought was a ridiculous waste of time is now a ridiculous "potential issue".You can't have guys "protecting their house" on the course like E was. You might as well throw an oversized, gold-plated belt over E's shoulder and play some obscure hip-hop intro music in the background. I'm not saying that Tiger is kicking it in bathroom stalls with Conseco and McGuire, but whose to say that the "next guy" isn't looking at that and thinking that he needs the juice to play at Tiger's level. Granted, the Open was won by an overweight, cigar-sucking, brandy-drinking Argentinian-- but is anybody outside of Howie Schwab going to remember Angel Cabrera's name after this week? Tiger is the role model. Tige...

Pacman, Cryant, Eldrick and Mr. Nickels
2007-06-19 14:55:00
4 am, gunshots, strip-club, Pacman . We've heard this story before, haven't we? Apparently getting reinstated into the NFL takes a back seat to liquor, bar brawls and gun fights for Adam Jones. Somebody tell Pacman that the ATL isn't the wild west. Your name is not "Billy The Kid", it's "Adam the Pacman". You supposed to be out crushing berries and eating ghosts in the off-season, not raising hell outside of strip clubs.::When is Kobe Bryant going to learn that the internet is not the proper medium to ask for a trade through? Your gonna whine about your problems with the front office via your website? Are your freaking kidding me? The internet was created so that guys like me could criticise you from my one-bedroom; not so you could make your woes with the Lakers a public issue. This is yet another case of an athlete playing the "this is a business" card in one breathe and then acting so non-business like the next.::One day after getting slapped at the US Open by a chain-smoking ...
More About: Nickel

Woods v. Mortality
2007-06-14 14:08:00
The world of golf is normally too sobering and tight lipped for me to get amped about-- but that all changes when you've got Rory Sabbatini calling out the greatest golfer that ever lived. I loved his bit last month when he tried to convince us that Tiger is a mere mortal, not a god. Are you sure about that Ro'? 'Cause I'm not. At this point, it wouldn't surprise me if Tiger started healing the blind and turning water into wine on the links. Dude is just in a world of his own out there.In fact, you'd better pray that he is a god-- maybe he can bring you back from this out of body experience you are going through. Have you forgotten that your name is Rory freaking Sabbatini? You've got four career wins on tour and your next Major victory will be your first. You have no business putting your name in the same sentence as Woods ', let alone next to his on practice round sign up sheets (Big surprise that Tiger didn't show up for that one, by the way). Then to top it off, you go a...
More About: Mortal , Ality , Mort

Peter Gammons; muppet or real boy?
2007-06-12 22:06:00
I know that I've gone foghorn for last few days, but what is there to talk about? Not the NBA finals, that's for sure... Do me a favor and call me when the Spurs get off of Cleveland. The Cav's are outmatched in every aspect of the game, end of story. Other than that, Michelle Wei is a spoiled brat, Paris Hilton is trainwreck and the Soprano's finale didn't please everyone. I think that about covers everything. This sports boredom happens all too often this time of year (although, it usually comes after the NBA finals). Most of us go foghorn for a month or two until NFL training camps open up-- and Major League Baseball is who to blame. The MLB has spent way too many years catering to big spending franchises and pleasing loyalists that it has completely lost touch with the rest of the modern world.Yes, I'll watch freak-head get his temporary record, and yes, I'll give the gyro-ball a look (if it's on), but a night at the ballpark to me means little more than a drunken spe...
More About: Real , Peter , Mons

No Asterisks Needed
2007-06-08 16:19:00
The most hallowed record in all of sports has fallen. No, Freak-Head didn't catch Aaron yet. I'm talking about hot dog consumption. Last week, California's own Joey "Jaws" Chestnut broke Takeru "The Tsunami" Kobayashi's hot dog eating record by crushing 53 3/4 dogs in 12 minutes. And sure enough, those two are going head to head on July 4th at Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest in Coney Island. Yes, Major League Eating has officially arrived.By the way, nobody is buying that this is a sport. If your getting fatter while you do it, I can't possibly consider it a sport (unless, of course, your name is David Wells and your crushing cherry smoothies in between innings...) No, what this is is a freak-show-- and on July 4th, we will find out exactly what country is home to the world's most disgusting human being.In fact, isn't it a little shameful that the US doesn't bring home the coveted "Mustard Yellow International Belt" year after yea...
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So-Cal Owns Canada
2007-06-06 20:21:00
Is there anything more satisfying than watching Southern California lay a quick 5 game beat down on Ottawa in the Stanley Cup Finals? Oh wait, there is: watching America go Tampa-Carolina-Aneheim in the last three years of its thirteen season NHL reign. Talk about adding insult to injury. Better yet, talk about culture shock. Not only is the cup in the states, but it's in So-Cal of all places.Fed-Ex'ing the cup to Southern California has to be the ultimate downer for America's hat. To put it into words, its kind of like getting dumped by your girlfriend for an underwear model. He doesn't appreciate her. He won't treat her good. But he's got the money and the looks and she's already saying Otta-what?But don't feel too bad, Canada . After all, you did whoop us in that ever important World Baseball Classic (which has to be the best example of the JV team beating the Varsity that I have ever seen). Karma is a strange cycle, isn't it? Unless your Canada, of course-- then...

Billy Donovan pulls U-turn on Route 75
2007-06-04 15:14:00
Somebody grab the white-out. Billy Donovan just jumped ship in Orlando-- and can anybody blame him? Dude was about to commit career suicide by leaving his back-to-back college basketball powerhouse for one of the worst franchises in the NBA. He initially went with the "I want the challenge of coaching in the association" bit, now he's changed his act to the "My heart is with this university" deal. I don't doubt that either of these played a role in his decision, but keep in mind that it's about money. It's always been and always will be about money.In this case, Bill didn't fall for the big payoff. If he stays in Gainesville, there's no risk. Dude is already a hero in that town and how freaking easy would it be to recruit blue chippers in sunny FLA? Apparently he doesn't need to be challenged that badly after all.. and I get it. Who wouldn't want to kick back in their ivory tower and reel in high school stud after high school stud? Ask Pete Carroll if he'd like another go a...
More About: Route , Turn

Sidney Crosby is the real LeBron James
2007-05-30 18:17:00
I love King James . He freaks the rack better than anyone I've ever seen and his head is actually screwed on straight (which is unusual for a young superstar these days). But can we please slow down with the 45 comparisons? LeBron is not 45, he's not even close at this point. In fact, he's not even the best player in the league-- yet. That Canadian guy in Phoenix can sure play some round ball and that whiner in LA finds the bottom of the net better than anyone I've seen since 45. If you wanted a quickie run at a title, you'd be stupid to take the King over either of those guys.So, am I calling LeBron a disappointment? Maybe. His apologists will say, "Give it time-- hell, he's only 22 and he's already a stud". Well stud is simply not good enough. Perennial All-Star is simply not good enough. When the hype around you is so big that ESPN is televising your high school games and Dick Vitale is touting you as the most talented basketball player he's ever seen; then you better be f...
More About: Sidney Crosby , Lebron James , Real , Sidney

The Mike Vick Spin Move
2007-05-29 21:52:00
Remember shortly after the drug-smuggling water bottle incident when Mike Vick 's lawyer said he'd be, "spending this off season focusing on his family" and "devoting time to his charitable interests." Maybe I'm out of the loop, but where does raising and training dog's to kill each other for gambling purposes fall into "charitable interests"? In Mike's defense, maybe he was spending time with his family. I mean, this does sound right up Marcus' alley, doesn't it?Yesterday I caught a short clip of dog-fighting on sportscenter. I can only assume that what I saw was a toned down, wisely edited, G-rated version of what actually occurs at one of these events. Even so, that Nerf-ball highlight made me cringe so badly that I had to look away from the television. Why? Because I'm a normal, warm blooded human being. I mean, who wouldn't cringe at the sight of two dogs senselessly mauling each other to near death? I'll tell you who wouldn't--Mike Vick.I know that, in the wake of th...
More About: Move , Spin