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Holliday finds $100 bill in coat he hasn't worn for a year
2007-10-16 18:24:00
DENVER, CO -- As Matt Holliday prepared to leave his house for yesterday's game, he realized that he needed a coat to battle the blustery Colorado temperatures.So, he went to his closet and pulled out a red, corduroy-style jacket from J. Crew that he hadn't worn in nearly a year. When he put it on, he found a surprise."I reached into the pocket, and voilà, there was a hundred dollar bill. Awesome," Holliday told SSNN. "Finding a c-note is so much better than getting one from an ATM – it's like hitting the jackpot. Things seem to be going pretty well for me right now."Holliday reported that his recent good fortune extends to other areas of his life. "Well, the dishwasher that I was supposed to get fixed after the season, that seems to have fixed itself," he said. "One day, about 28 or 29 days ago, it just started working. So I guess I don't need to worry about that."Holliday also reported that his fantasy football team is 6-0 even though it has the third-lowest point tot...
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God admits to smiting Brewers for Braun's negligence
2007-10-11 03:47:00
MILWAUKEE, WI -- Milwaukee Brewers management is crying foul after God publicly admitted to dooming the team's season in response to star rookie Ryan Braun 's decision to play on Yom Kippur, the highest and most holy of Jewish holidays. "Look, I've never been too particular about which religion a ballplayer chooses – I let Rod Carew switch over, didn't I?" the supreme deity told a gathering of fans and media outside Miller Park in Milwaukee. "But to claim Judaism and then play ball on Yom Kippur? I can't let that sort of thing slide. Believe me, Ryan had some things to atone for – there's a trio of Tri-Delts from UW-La Crosse that can attest to that." For their part, the Brewers are disappointed that God chose to express his wrath by ruining the season for the whole team. "It's not that I don't understand the need for vengeance on the part of the almighty," said Milwaukee manager Ned Yost. "It's just that a whole clubhouse of other guys played their hearts out all year, ...

Bengals to unveil new prison-inspired uniforms Sunday
2007-10-11 03:44:00
CINCINNATI, OH -- In conjunction with the one-game suspension of cornerback Jonathan Joseph (the third suspended Bengals starter, joining Odell Thurman and Chris Henry) the Bengals will unveil a new uniform design for Sunday 's game at Kansas City. The design, created by a group of players who formed an art collective called "The Chain Gang," is said to closely resemble the attire of state penitentiary inmates. "A lot of people probably think, 'Oh, turn the Bengals uniform into a prison jumpsuit... That's easy – it's already orange, just put a pocket on it and make it a one-piece.' But it's a lot more complicated than that." Bengals PR Director Jack Brennan told SSNN. "We're doing a lot of cool tie-ins here. I don't want to give away the farm, but as an example, we're giving each player an alphanumerical code to replace their name on the back of the uniform; you know, like booking numbers. We're not sure what to do with Chad and Carson, but for everyone else we're just g...
More About: Prison , Uniforms , Inspired

11 year-old potato sack race champion tests positive for PED
2007-10-11 03:37:00
MIAMI, OK -- A day after his shocking, come-from-behind victory in the Miami (My-am-uh), Oklahoma town carnival potato sack race, "Little" Johnny Stenson was disqualified when his "A" sample tested positive for the performance-enhancer nandrolone decanoate. "I'm ashamed of myself, but I'm ready to take responsibility for my actions," Stenson said in a statement released by his lawyers Wednesday afternoon. "It started with my daddy giving me a little of 'the clear' for a watermelon seed-spitting contest three years ago, and before I knew what was happening it was a needle in the butt before every event." According to race officials, first prize falls to second-place finisher – and pre-race, odds-on favorite – Lance Buffleg, giving him a controversial third-straight win in Miami and the city's berth in the Ottawa County potato sack regional, scheduled for Wednesday, Oct. 17. Top three finishers there advance to the Oklahoma State Fair to compete for the state title.WIDGET COD...
More About: Race , Potato , Positive , Tests , Year

CBS plans to dominate NLCS with reruns of Kid Nation
2007-10-10 18:33:00
NEW YORK, NY -- With one NLCS team hidden a mile high amongst the snow-topped Rocky Mountains and the other buried deep in the desert of the Southwest, TV watchers in the big media markets – whose ball clubs were mostly swept out of the playoffs – are looking to tune out of October and bury their sorrows in some alternate programming.CBS believes they have the answer."The Rockies and Diamondbacks don't make for a sexy match up," said an upper-level CBS executive in an exclusive interview with SSNN. "We're planning on grabbing those East Coast and Midwest viewers with reruns of our new hit series Kid Nation ."That's right. The millions of viewers who "don't care anymore" about the baseball playoffs will be thoroughly entertained trying to guess who will earn the coveted Gold Star and get to call home to mommy from a ghost town somewhere in New Mexico. The fact that the show is based in the desert southwest allows CBS an even greater advantage, as it can steal some of the "regi...
More About: Plans , Kid Nation , To Do , Mina

Bills empirically prove inability to beat Cowboys
2007-10-10 18:04:00
BUFFALO, NY -- According to an article set to be published in a forthcoming issue of the journal Science, the Buffalo Bills have proven scientifically that there is absolutely no way they can defeat the Dallas Cowboys .According to chief scientist Richard Jauron of the Buffalo Bills research institute, the organization ran a highly successful experiment on Monday night on national television."Frankly, we were thrilled with the results," Jauron said. "Our data was solid, and our findings were conclusive. We can stand before you today and state unequivocally: there is absolutely no way we can beat the Dallas Cowboys."Jauron said the data was so compelling that they ran the end of the experiment twice, just to make sure of the results. "The two cases were almost completely identical," Jauron said. "There was only one tiny difference – on one of the successful field goals, our mascot shook his head sadly and grabbed it, as though he had been punched in the face. On the other field goal...
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Husband swears off sports for two days; wife amazed, ecstatic
2007-10-10 16:34:00
TEMECULAH, CA -- James Blair is on easy street today with his wife Joanie, after a shocking revelation Monday night that paved the way for a renewed sense of marital bliss."On Monday night, James watched the baseball game, while I did sudokus on the living room couch," Joanie Blair told SSNN. "As soon as the game was over, he switched over to the NFL game, becuase I guess something important was happening. So he watched the end of that. And then something incredible happened. He shut his laptop, and turned off the computer, and looked me right in the eyes, and said, 'I am not going to watch football or baseball for two days! I've been doing it too much recently, and I'm going to spend the next 72 hours focusing on my wife – who I love, very much – and my family.' I was just floored; I mean, James loves to watch his sports – for him to give it up for two full days, during the middle of the baseball playoffs and the NFL season... well, I really feel his love for me. It's ju...
More About: Sports , Wife , Days , Amazed , Husband

Cubs' Ramirez takes second job to make ends meet
2007-10-10 01:06:00
CHICAGO, IL -- In yet another tale of these troubling times of HMO's and poor health care plans, Chicago Cubs ' third baseman Aramis Ramirez has found himself a plan that works. The Cubs third baseman, who was paid $9 million in salary this year to hit home runs, has found a second job to help him and his family scrape by.After his 0-for-12 performance in the Cubs' NLDS series against the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Tribune Company – which still owns the Cubs franchise – did some investigating and found proof that Ramirez has taken on additional employment as a professional outmaker."Our secret source, who we refer to as Billy Goat, has confirmed our deepest fears," said a Tribune Company executive during a press conference held on the fourth level of a local Chicago parking lot. "Ramirez was being paid to make outs. Here we are trying to win games, get hits, score runs… and he was too, or so we thought. But then he's got this other job where he's trying to make outs. Appare...
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Grossman, Romo come clean
2007-10-10 01:04:00
BUFFALO, NY -- At the press conference following Buffalo and Dallas' Monday night game, Tony Romo – who was intercepted five times and lost a fumble – made a shocking revelation to a room full of reporters. Shortly after being introduced, Romo peeled back a prosthetic face, revealing his true identity. "Sorry guys, it's me – Rex Grossman," he said. Grossman went on to explain that since he didn't have anything to do this week, he decided to convince Romo to let him play Monday's game against the Bills. Grossman said the two have been friends since grade school, and that they often pull this stunt. "Yeah, I told him I'd take care of the Bills and he could go date a supermodel; or whatever it is that good quarterbacks do," Grossman said. "The Buffalo defense was supposed to be terrible, and they were all banged up... I was sure no one would notice. I guess I just didn't realize how much I suck." Grossman left the press conference with one last doozy – "Oh yeah, and this ...
More About: Clean

Millions of Americans simultaneously ask "Why the hell is Dane Cook doing b
2007-10-10 00:49:00
USA -- Millions of Americans are simultaneously stunned, wondering why in blazes Dane Cook is doing postseason baseball commercials."I mean, I'm sitting there watching a little baseball on TV, and all of a sudden this guy that my fourteen-year old daughter thinks is hilarious and 'supercute' is standing there talking about how much baseball should mean to me," said Ed Landrey, 47, of Poughkeepsie, N.Y. "Fantastic."John Gurkey, 31, of Tallahassee, FL, said his father did not initially realize who Cook was, but then got really pissed off when he put it together. "My dad was really hot," said Gurkey. "See, Dad just turned 60, and he's really feeling his age. And when Dane Cook hosted SNL both of those times, and Dad didn't know who he was or why he was famous, it really got to him. I mean, with the musical guest, it's one thing – shit, I don't even know who the musical guest is half the time, and I'm 31. But the host? It really makes you feel your years."A recent survey showe...
More About: Hell

Man annoys wife with imitation of Frank Caliendo doing imitation of Al Paci
2007-10-08 15:52:00
SIOUX CITY, IA -- Marie Rivers was pretty annoyed Sunday evening after the 32-year-old lawyer spent most of the day being regaled by her husband with bad imitations of Frank Caliendo's TBS commercials."I pretty much spent the whole day on the couch," Marie said. "It was Sunday, and Sunday is my day to relax. James will generally spend all day Sunday in the bedroom watching football on the small TV, but today he kept running out into the living room and saying, 'I don't know?! THIRD BASE!'"James Rivers' performance was inspired by Frank Caliendo, the pudgy comedian whose new show is debuting on TBS this fall, and whose promo advertisements have been airing ad nauseum during the cable channel's coverage of MLB's divisional playoff series."Yeah, I've seen the commercials," Marie Rivers said. "I get the joke, I guess. Here's the difference – Frank Caliendo is funny. He does a good imitation of Al Pacino, he's dressed up as Al Pacino, and he's promoting his own television pr...
More About: Wife , Doing , Anno

Cubs ready for overdue vacation
2007-10-08 01:33:00
CHICAGO, IL -- After the Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks in the NLDS, there was relief in the Chicago locker room. "To be honest, I was kind of pissed that I had to delay my vacation by a week," Chicago ace Carlos Zambrano told SSNN. "I had plans to go to Hawaii right after the season. I bought the tickets back in April, and they were non-refundable. In hindsight, maybe not the best idea – but I figured, we're the Cubs, you know?"While the Arizona locker room celebrated with champagne, the Cubs had a celebration of their own. Aramis Ramirez was seen running through the locker room singing a bad parody of Alice Cooper's "School's Out For Summer." ("BASEBALL'S OUT FOR SUMMER!! I MEAN WINTER!!!!!") Derrek Lee was seen happily packing up his gear and skipping out of the clubhouse. The only player who seemed concerned was catcher Jason Kendall, who was seen crying in the corner and whining that he has nothing to go home to."I was pretty mad when I found out we w...
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One day in jail enough to teach Mike Nifong about rape, says inmate
2007-10-08 01:15:00
DURHAM, NC -- Prisoners at a local North Carolina prison have indicated that one day should be more than enough time to teach former Durham County District Attorney Mike Nifong all that he needs to know about rape."One day should be plenty," said Jermaine "Bubba" Martin, 27. "Little Mikey is going to go back to Durham and he's going to be able to tell everyone exactly what rape means."The confusion stems from a rape accusation Nifong leveled against three Duke University lacrosse players last year. The charges against the players were later dropped, when it was realized that none of the players had even had sex with the alleged victim, let alone raped her."We thought perhaps Mr. Nifong did not fully understand the nature of the term 'rape,'" said Dr. Gina Bretton, a criminal psychologist in the area. "While the one-day prison sentence imposed on Mr. Nifong is largely symbolic, the inmates at the Durham County Correctional Facility have very graciously offered to make it a sort of...
More About: Mike Nifong , Jail , Rape

God to smite first-born sons of Yankees
2007-10-06 22:08:00
CLEVELAND, OH -- Shifting into the final phase of Operation Destroy Yankees , God announced after Friday night's game that he plans on killing the first-born son of each Yankee's family.On Friday night, God sent a swarm of Canadian Soldiers – a form of gnat-like flying ant – to destroy the Yankees. However, as the series was not mathematically able to be ended after Friday night's game, God felt that he needed something more dramatic for the coup de grâce of his operation."I have previously communicated to the members of the Tribe (get it? Tribe! Ha!) that they ought to put some sort of mark on their homes, so that they can be skipped over during my death raid Saturday night," God told SSNN in an exclusive interview. "I will smite the first-born child of each Yankee, and as such their concentration will be completely destroyed on Sunday, thereby paving the way for a victory for my chosen squadron of the Indians as they march toward the pennant."God did indicate that he w...
More About: Sons , First Born

Marion Jones stripped of medal for pine tar infraction
2007-10-06 21:53:00
LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND -- In an altogether unprecedented and completely shocking development, U.S. Olympic sprinter Marion Jones has been stripped of her relay gold medal from the 2000 Sydney Olympic Games for putting too much pine tar on the baton."Ms. Jones put more than the allowable seventeen centimetres of pine tar on the baton," said a representative of the International Olympic Committee. "This provided her an enormous advantage in the race. Not having to worry about dropping the baton, or anything like that ... I mean, she might as well have simply cut the distance for the race in half."Jones initially claimed she did not realize what the substance that she'd placed upon the baton was. "Hogwash," said the IOC official. "She knew what it was and what it was used for. She used the pine tar with full knowledge of its uses and impact. And she will pay the price."Jones is also being investigated for having "corked" her legs – making her overall weight much lighter by replacing...
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Man's wife spends fantasy winnings in single trip to grocery store
2007-10-05 18:58:00
ANN ARBOR, MI -- Last week Brian Babbit, 36, was on top of the world. The avid fantasy sports participant won his 12-team fantasy baseball league, raking in a cool $240 in the process. But one shopping trip by his wife Linda has Babbit furious. "I did everything right this year," Babbit said. "I picked A-Rod and Matt Holliday early to solidify my offense. I got Fausto Carmona and Dustin Pedroia off waivers. I even got Hanley Ramirez in a trade – everything was coming up Babbster." Babbit's mood quickly turned sour when he spoke about his winnings, though. "The money wasn't in our bank account for a week before Linda spent it," he said. "And she spent it on groceries! I was hoping I could buy something memorable for myself. I mean, it's not every year you dominate a league like I did."Babbit explained that because the league awards cash prizes, there was no trophy given to the winners. He said he has petitioned the league to pool together enough money for a trophy, but so far ha...
More About: Wife , Fantasy , Store , Trip , Single

Scientist: Dale Jr. number change from 8 to 88 "not exactly doubling it"
2007-10-05 18:49:00
DENTON, TX -- While Dale Earnhardt, Jr. continues to brag about his shrewd move to number 88, not everyone is so impressed. Several media outlets reported last month that Dale Jr. had "doubled" his car number from 8 to 88. Dale himself spoke with SSNN only hours after the announcement. "Do you know how much money I won in the number 8 car?" Earnhardt told SSNN on September 20. "It was a lot. Now, I'm no rocket scientist, but I figure since I've doubled my number, I'll double my winnings as well." But actual rocket scientist Jay Bloomenfield said he is flabbergasted by those statements. Bloomenfield is the head of North Texas University's renowned rocket science program. "I hate to break it to people, but going from 8 to 88 is not exactly doubling it," said Bloomenfield. "Doubling means multiplying by two. You know, this really isn't a rocket science issue so much as a don't be a dumbass issue." The scientist has asked Dale Jr. to apologize for bringing rocket science into such...
More About: Scientist , Change , Chang , Chan

Patriot System™ makes starters almost unnecessary
2007-10-04 18:42:00
BOSTON, MA -- Several days after their complete destruction of the Cincinnati Bengals on Monday Night Football, the New England Patriot s made a stunning announcement today. Coach Bill Belichick and owner Bob Kraft told a gathering of press that they only intend to play their starters for about two quarters per game, in an effort to save them for the playoffs. "Obviously we don't need these guys for the entire game," Belichick told the media, " No sense risking injury, so we are only going to play 'Tom & The Gang' – I came up with that nickname myself, by the way – for half of the game. Which quarters we play them will be decided as the game goes on. Probably the first, so we can just take a big lead and get our young guys some tick. But as the season goes on, maybe we'll start with some scrubs and fall behind, just to make it interesting. Then Tommie and Randy and lead the comeback – you know, just to give the fans a little something different."When Kraft took the podium, ...
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Colt McCoy to change name
2007-10-04 17:27:00
AUSTIN, TX -- Last year he was the future of Texas football. He had a great arm and good mobility, and he was a smart decision-maker. It was simply a bonus that he was the owner of the coolest football name, possibly ever. This year Colt McCoy is none of those things, and soon he won't even be Colt McCoy. The Longhorns announced on Tuesday that McCoy has decided to change his name. The sophomore quarterback said through his representatives that he was no longer worthy of "arguably the greatest quarterback name in existence." McCoy himself was not available for comment. The one-time McCoy has thrown nine interceptions in only five games this season, two more than he had all of last year. He threw four picks against Kansas State on Saturday, vomited on the sideline and was removed from the game because of a slight concussion. "I support my guys, but when I think about a guy named Colt McCoy, I don't think about interceptions and vomiting," said Longhorn head coach and equally cool-n...
More About: Change , Chang , Chan

Cubs blow off rally for Halo
2007-10-03 19:01:00
CHICAGO, IL -- Members of Cubs management, former players and approximately 10,000 rabid fans attended a downtown celebration for the Central Division champions on Monday. Only one thing was missing – the 2007 Cubs. While members of the team's front office were quick to point out that the players were already in Arizona preparing for Wednesday's game against the Diamondbacks, an SSNN investigation has discovered the disturbing truth. "Big Z's a master of the plasma grenade," boasted Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano, raising his hands in victory. Zambrano admitted to SSNN's team of bulldog investigators that he and his teammates have spent the past two days in a remote location in the Chicago suburbs playing Halo 3. Zambrano claimed he has not slept since the Cubs 8-4 loss to the Cincinnati Reds on Sunday, the team's final regular season game. He said most of his teammates have done the same, and that while they were aware of the rally, they never had any intentions of attending i...
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LJ has all ten Friends seasons on DVD
2007-10-03 16:48:00
KANSAS CITY, MO -- Wide receiver Dwayne Bowe of the Kansas City Chiefs was surprised to notice a DVD collection that includes all ten seasons of Friends when he visited running back Larry Johnson's house."There they were – all there, all ten seasons, right between Scarface and Goodfellas," Bowe said. "It's hard to miss ... The thing takes up like two feet. Friends was pretty unbelievably prolific."According to Bowe, LJ initially claimed that the DVDs actually belong to his girlfriend, Julissa Bermudez. "But he told me that she had been on the road for the past few weeks, and when he opened the DVD player, season three was in there. You know, when Ross and Rachel are getting together. Or are they breaking up? Anyway, season three, disc two."LJ, when prodded by Bowe, reluctantly admitted that indeed the DVDs were his, and then proceeded to give the rookie wideout a detailed analysis of why Friends is funny. Johnson later recounted what he calls "The Ross Theory" for SSNN."See, Ros...
More About: Seasons

Some Cubs jealous of Mets' epic choke job
2007-10-02 20:59:00
CHICAGO, IL -- A late report from Chicago Monday night indicated that the Chicago Cubs are extremely jealous of the New York Mets for the brilliant and history-making choke job they managed over the past month."Yeah, I'm pretty jealous," said Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee. "Look, we tried to choke; we lost a bunch of games in the last week of the season. But we got no help – it takes a little bit of help if you want to squander a lead in the last week of the season, and we got nothing. Why couldn't they have re-aligned the Pirates into the East and the Phillies into the central?""That was a pretty sick choke job," concurred Cubs third baseman Aramis Ramiez. "Did you see how Jose Reyes just mailed it in those last few games? And how that Hall of Famer [Tom Glavine] got lit up like a Christmas tree, with the season on the line? Epic ! You don't just roll out of bed and blow a seven-game lead."Moises Alou, who was instrumental in the 2003 Cubs' Bartman-inspired choke and is a memb...
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Holliday's behavior "just childish," Rockies say
2007-10-02 20:07:00
DENVER, CO -- Matt Holliday won't stop pinching teammates and making ambiguously erotic comments about dreams, several members of the Rockies reported Tuesday."It has gotten pretty bad," said Todd Helton. "About two weeks ago – when we still had no shot in hell, but we were winning games – he started pinching himself and saying things like 'I think I'm dreaming.' Pretty innocuous, at that point. But it has gotten a lot worse."According to Helton, following the Rockies' win Monday night to earn a playoff berth, Holliday pinched his ass and said something along the lines of, "Hey Todd, I'll be seeing you in my sleep again tonight.""I mean, I'm no homophobe," Helton told SSNN. "I think that would legitimately disturb almost anyone."Troy Tulowitzki told a similarly disturbing story."At least that might possibly relate to baseball," said the rookie shortstop. "Holly pinched my side yesterday and asked me if I wanted to go take a nap together so we could continue 'imagining po...
More About: Behavior

Family road trip merely ruse for trophy pickup
2007-10-01 15:15:00
DENVER, CO -- John Patton, 44, is in hot water today with his wife Mary after she realized that the family vacation Patton had planned was a thinly veiled excuse to pick up his fantasy baseball trophy."Yeahup, the wife caught on," Patton said, when reached at a rest area outside of Des Moines, Iowa. "And she is hopping mad. Even having the invaluable Crunchberry Cup in our possession is not serving to quell her ire."The trip started innocently enough, when John suggested to Mary that they pack the car and head off on an eight-day road trip with no real plan as to where they were going to go. Given that the Pattons have two daughters under the age of six, Mary was initially reluctant, but gave in after some peer pressure."Well, I was worried at first, given that Molly gets carsick, and Melanie is still in diapers," Mary said. "But I figured, 'What the hey!' We need a little excitement. I should have known then that something was wrong... Or if not then, at least when John decided t...
More About: Family , Trip , Road Trip , Trophy , Road

NFL rejects Bears' petition requesting bionic legs for Brown
2007-09-29 21:35:00
CHICAGO, IL -- The NFL announced Tuesday that they have rejected a petition by the Chicago Bears to allow safety Mike Brown to play football with bionic legs. Though Commissioner Roger Goddell admitted that the idea would have been cool in a Six Million Dollar Man/Lee Majors kind of way, he said it is not a direction he wants to take the league in.Bears head coach Lovie Smith was less than pleased with the decision."It's absolutely unfair," he said. "I think if Mike has proven anything over the past four years, it's that he has the legs of an 80-year-old man. We have the technology – we can rebuild him."This is just the latest in a long line of desperate moves by the Bears in hopes of rescuing a season that is quickly being lost to a rash of injuries. Previously, the team had asked the NFL for a similar allowance for defensive lineman Tommie Harris, but it was also denied. The Bears also hoped linebacker Lance Briggs would be allowed to play with his Lamborghini – but again, t...
More About: Legs , Petition , Bionic