Pulling A Blyleven

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Play Ball!
2008-03-31 05:41:00
I always hear the robot voice of one of my favorite NES games, BaseWars when I hear that. Play ball, motorcycle wheelie deathbot! If you put in TERMINATOR 02 in the EDIT B team, all your players are Bonds jacked up. Where were we?Oh yeah. Hi everybody, we're RK and WV, and we run this here blog. If you haven't been here before, what we try to do is liveblog each game and try not to focus too much on the game, instead making inside jokes, obfuscating player nicknames, and discussing continental philosophy. Let us appropriate some of the current political climate and make fun of it, delegitimization for everyone!RK:RK was born in Hawaii on August 4th, 1961. His father, RK Sr., was born and raised in a small village in Kenya, where he grew up herding goats with his own father, who was a domestic servant to the British. RK's mother, Ann Dunham, grew up in small-town Kansas. Her father worked on oil rigs during the Depression, and then signed up for World War II after Pearl Harbor, wh...
More About: Ball

EVERY DAY IS OPENING DAY!
2008-03-30 20:43:00
Or opening night. I can't keep these things straight anymore. Coupled with home openers, next you're going to tell me there's some magical "International date line" that people can cross and play opening day games in Japan! Christmas lasting 48 hours? Blogger please.So if it feels like opening day has lasted about a week.... it's because it has.In the same spirit:I'm close to it being opening day on the next quarter-century period of my lifeEvery day is opening day for someone in recovery. Think about it.Somewhere, it's opening day for a Wal-Mart. Closing day for local stores soon to follow! Oops, sorry, I'll redouble my efforts not to let politics come in here. I just recently visited my parents in their tiny Nebraskan town where there are almost no more downtown shops and the Wal-Mart pulses like some sort of L'Engelian leviathan. Alliteration and young adult lit? I'm in prime form, people.Not that I really care what you call it, right? I mean, as long as the season gets ...
More About: Opening

This Post Has The Shelf Life of an Ipod
2008-02-03 06:56:00
Yeah Mauer, I'd say my chances of being in Minnesota come next season are about thiiiiiis big.Twitch-n-Pitch, when we're in the cellar and he's pulling in 15 saves a season, will be thereafter known as Kvetch-n-Pitch.--WV
More About: Life , Ipod , Post , Shelf

YES YES YES
2008-01-26 00:49:00
The Twins have locked up Justin Morneau and Michael Cuddyer to multi-year deals. Of course this means Santana is out for sure, but doesn't it feel good to have the 3-4-5 hitters lined up? It's all a matter of perspective. Who has this view?Answer: A hanging breaking ball when Justin's up to bat. I feel pretty good. With Scott Baker as our ace, who can argue?

I Know It's Late, But...
2008-01-25 04:53:00
And you know I love Rocket Bats, but this headline made me do a double - NAY - triple take:Baker poised to take over as Twins aceNo, seriously.
More About: Late

Schadenfreude-fest Complete!
2008-01-22 22:56:00
For those of you who tsk-tsked me for throwing a hot dog or 2 at Chuck Knoblauch during that infamous game in 2001: I was exacting JUSTICE, son!Ch-ch-check this outRighteous implement from God's eye to my hand to right field:
More About: Schadenfreude , Fest , Complete

Hasta Luego, Carlito
2007-12-21 01:44:00
'Tis the season of giving, and the Mariners have predictably (C.f. Adrian Beltre) bestowed upon Carlos Silva what likely amounts to his best X-mas present ever: 44 mil over 4 years. To put how ridiculous this is into perspective, consider that Johan made 13 mil last season, but the fact that the MLB free agent market suffers from irrational exuberance is old news. RK and I have a special place in our hearts for the Chief, and his magical sinker ball-that-doesn't-sink will certainly deprive us of one of our principal sources of bitching and complaining during the upcoming season. That said, Carlos is also in a sense giving the Minnesota Twins and its fan base a gift of his own: A series of gift-wrapped BP fast balls down the middle of the plate that the Twins will happily launch into the left, center and right field bleachers of Safeco Field. In advance Carlos, thank you. As a final token of friendship to the Chief, we dedicate the Humahuaqueño video to Mr. Silva. This, incidental...
More About: Carlito

The Monroe Doctrine
2007-12-12 03:35:00
To prevent future corner outfield colonization and remain neutral in future Central Division title wars, the Twins have agreed to terms with another player with a predilection for toeing the Mendoza line. Tony Batista Juan Castro Ramon Ortiz Craig Monroe will, however, provide that ever-elusive veteran leadership, probably take at-bats from young 'uns like Dude Yer Gettin' A Delmon and also battle his tail off. After some uncharacteristic hot stove dabbling at the Winter Meetings, the Twins front office has returned to their Page 2 off-season acquisition ways. In other words, if this were a Comcast commercial, Bill Smith and Ron Gardenhire would be the Slowskys and be swearing their loyalty to DSL.

Sweet Silence
2007-12-06 23:31:00
You know things have gotten a little weird when you're contemplating whether or not to type "Johan Santana still being on your team is a disappointing development". Being in grad school, I don't have to be a realist, so I will continue living in my fantasy world happy that we have the best pitcher in baseball, the best pitcher of this decade, on our team. That said, changes may be in store. One wonders if our inactivity in the Rule 5 draft today had less to do with the quality of players and more to do with the perception that come Spring Training the 40-man roster will be filled up via trades and whatnot. I'd say free agent signings but, come on, my fantasy world only extends so far. So, with things presumably quieting down on the Twins front, maybe it's time to contemplate more pressing isssues. Like:Are the Timberwolves the worst NBA team ever? They're off to the franchise's worst start ever, and that's saying something.Will the Viqueens make the playoffs? Have the Grammys...
More About: Sweet , Silence

Baby Huey Steinbrenner
2007-12-05 02:29:00
But I don't waaaaaaaaaaant to have patience, I want Johan now!!! You know what Bill? You just watch---I'm going to pull out of these talks for good! Don't believe me? Huh? What do you mean you don't want Ian Kennedy?? Fine!! Phil Hughes it is. Now come on, just say yes!! Puhleassssssseee?????? Fine! You just watch! I'll pull out of these talks right now. Don't think I can? You just watch me! Do you understand what 'deadline' means? The deal is dead! I told you I'd do it! This thing is dead! Just like your stupid poopy face. 24 Hours LaterBill? Bill? It's dead, you know, the Johan thing........If you're not doing anything else, I mean, if you're not too busy...you wanna come hang out at my suite? Maybe bring your Santana toys with you? I just love too much, Mr. Smith.
More About: Baby , Huey

Paging Joe Montana for Comment
2007-12-04 06:07:00
As the Evil Empire continues its Buerhle-esque deal with the devil for perfection, I'm going to point your attention to something Steve Young just said:"The Patriots kinda invented beating up the tight end; they've raped and pillaged tight ends for years."Submitted without comment.
More About: Montana , Comment , Joe Montana , Mont

Heavy Pettitte-ing
2007-12-03 18:32:00
Good Monday morning everyone. News reports this morning are reaffirming that the annual Bronx Bomber incestual slobberfest is in full swing, with Andy Pettitte reportedly close to resigning with the team . We don't know what this means for the Johan discussions, but we do know that Jim Leyritz and Scott Brocious are feverishly calling their agents wondering where their contract extensions are. As for Hank Steinbrenner.....I for one won't be disappointed if nobody gets Johan--if only because the richest of the rich won't get what they want. And it won't be like not giving Bill Gates a brand new Ferrari--because he'd just pay someone to build another one. But you can't build another Johan! So ha! Uh, for at least a year, anyway.
More About: Heavy

Santana Trade Breakthrough!
2007-12-03 06:38:00
In a shocking Johan trade breakthrough, it has been discovered that there are other people who reportedly play for the Minnesota Twins who haven't been traded.LaVelle is reporting that Lew Ford is closing in on a deal with the Hanshin Tigers in Japan. We liked this better when the movie had Tom Selleck in it. Make no mistake, Lew puts the "world" into World of Warcraft. At the same time, we wonder where LeRoy will end up... besides the Great American Steak Buffet on University Street, Fargo North Dakota.
More About: Trade , Santana

Upping the Santana Ante
2007-12-03 01:27:00
While news on the Johan front has been conspicuously quiet today, we've learned that Boston is willing to include Jacoby, but not Lester along with other prospects while the Yankees have their panties in a bunch and have instituted a deadline of tomorrow (Monday) for the Twins to take or leave their offer of Hughes, Cabrera and the guy who sells pretzels at the corner of 161st St. and River Ave., with the promise that he'll no longer smell like a stale can of Natty Ice. Rather than speculating on what B.S. should do, as some 365 inquiring minds already have done over at Joe C's site , we'd rather tackle the question of other people's misfortune. On one hand, we feel a great sense of schadenfreude toward Eli Manning, who despite not doing anything to help the Giants win, unfailingly tries to look like he's auditioning to be a J. Crew model after every game.Then on the other, let's say left hand, we've got Bill Smith, whose misfortune involves dumping a 2-time Cy Young win...
More About: Santana

Santana Ana Trade Winds Take Platonic Twist
2007-12-02 02:40:00
The Bos/Wash Media Superstructure is reporting that Boston generated a few new ideas for its proposed offer in light of the Yankees reversion to their greedy little goblin ways by throwing in one Philip Hughes into their gurgling Johan soup cauldron. Ideas? Trust me, this is one phone conversation we don't need LaVelle to report on his blog, because we all know how it went:T.E. aka Wunderkid: Alright Smith, you've decided to play hardball. Well I've entered this new development into my new-fangled Bill James Vorporizer and it's generated what we like to call around here, "ideas". B.S.: Uh....Thanks Plato, but we're interested in acquiring a centerfielder not named after a scrumptious cereal. T.E.: Ok ok, how about this idea: Coco Crisp will change his name to Jacoby and we'll also throw into the offer my Aunt Bea's recipe for Boston baked beans and New England clam chowder. B.S.: That's B.S.T.E.: No, you're B.S....oh. B.S.: Besides, Chunky soup makes a more than suitable ...
More About: Trade , Winds , Santana , Twist , Platon

In An Effort To Not Be Literate-Centric, We Present The Off-Season In Pictu
2007-12-01 00:30:00
While the SAG writers are on strike, the L.A. Anaheim California Arte Moreno Angels have been producing a sequel: And what we believe to be a pretty accurate reflection of the Young/Garza et. al. trade:
More About: Season , Present , Resent , Off Season

¿Dónde the hell have you been man?
2007-12-01 00:13:00
Setting: August 13th 2007, the infamous date of RK and WV's last post. Cape Canavral. Crying children. RK: She packed my bags last night, pre-flight. Zero hour nine A.M.WV: To you cruel upstate New York, I bid you and your post-industrial detritus forever adieu, and am heading West young man....in RK's rocket ship! I can't wait to see the views...RK: And I'm gonna be high as a kite by then. WV: Our blog is going to be tough to do out in space, besides, the 2007 terms of RAGNAROK dictate that only teams centered at the lattiude and longitude of 42.37 71.03 may win championships in all major sports this year, so watching the Twins, or any other team with a fan base that articulates the letter "R" at the end of a word, is pretty much pointless. Rocket takes off, Setting shifts to 3 miles above Topeka, Kansas RK: It's lonely out in space. On such a timeless flight. WV: Yeah, maybe we should get our asses in gear and start blogging again. RK: Mars ain't the kind of place to raise ...
More About: Hell

We Keep Going
2007-08-14 04:06:00
PREGAMEDetroit has decided to lose its ballgame. Can the Twins capitalize? Who knows. There are some good things to say, as stacey points out, the Mariners were less than stellar last time the Twins played them. And if we recall last year, it was in Seattle that Joe Mauer went 24 for 10 and raised his batting average to 900. Statistically, the Yankees are indeed unlikely to make the postseason, but their PECOTA score goes up pretty much every day. They're playing like the '61 Yankees, which is scary. Anyway, we'll see how long I can make it through this game. I'm a tired, cranky old man. I'm about to turn 25, you know. Which means I'll be closer to 30 than 20.TOP 1STChocolate yogurt raisins are pretty good. It is a little encouraging to see, though, that the boys aren't swinging at the first pitch every at-bat.The relationship between Mauer and the Mariners is like a Marxist relationship between politics and economics. Infinitely reducible where both objects point to the othe...
More About: Going , Goin

On the Precipice of an Enormous Crossroads
2007-08-13 02:20:00
People. People. QTF is going on around here? The Twins can't score more than 2 runs (if I were a stat person, I'd tell you that since the All-Star break the Twins have averaged 2.8 runs a game. But I'm not and I just made that number up.) Am I losing the faith? I can't say that's true, but...Talk about diminished expectations; I get elated when the Twins don't have a 1-2-3 inning. Never mind scoring runs or extra base hits. If Alexi Casilla gets on with a walk I figure we've done our damage.What a horrible attitude I have. I wonder if the players have it too. The bullpen's faltering, we'll have to figure out a word that means offense inverted. Infense or outfense, in this case.Yeah, the Tigers and Indians are playing sorta crummy, too, but y'gotta take advantage of these opportunities to, y'know, make up ground.Remember when it was gonna be a good year because the Wild Card was gonna come from the Central and the Yankees weren't going to make the playoffs? The hell happe...
More About: Roads , Crossroads , Reci

The Things I Do For You
2007-08-08 01:54:00
PREGAMEWell, it turns out WV is back in the lower 48s, but internet access will be spotty. I'm at home doing my best impression of Linda Blair in The Exorcist. The only difference is she had longer hair and etched "help me" into her stomach. But the dark, sunken eyes, pallid skin, matted hair, and being tied to the bed - check. Except the being tied to the bed part. Again, enough about my personal life.But I'm running a temperature and I'm kinda keeping a close eye on it. If it tops 102 I'm going to go directly to the hospital because I don't mess around with this kinda stuff. Just so you know.Who are we playing again? What kinda blog is this?TOP 1STI think Dick just described he and Bert as "hot and steamy." And y'know what? I'm inclined to agree with him.I don't think Bert knows that they ever go to commercial. He just keeps talking and talking.TOP 1STRK: Y'know who I miss? Marney Gellner.RK: "He and Boof Bonser hooked up last Wed." I know that's a puerile thing to laugh...
More About: Things

And He Can Just STAY In Puerto Rico!
2007-08-07 02:03:00
PREGAMEOne thing you should know about WV and me is that we're BFFs. Or BFFLs. Best friends forever versus best friends for life. Choose your side and fight! What? Anyway, I am fit to be tied, but enough about my personal life.WV has been incommunicado for about 2 weeks now. I figured he was in MN. He's in Puerto Rico ! Just tra-la-laing about! So perhaps you think, boy, how good of friends can they be? They don't even talk! Our connection is pyschological symbiosis. Also, I have a summer cold. Summer colds are proof positive that God exists and that he hates us.TOP 1STGordito's making me a little nervous already, just throw the damn ball. I know Tom Sizemore is a washed-up actor, but he's not a bad hitter. See, and there you get him out. Do you see what happens when you trust your defense, Larry? Do you see what happens when... OK, maybe you're not as big of a fan of The Big Lebowski as I am.And once you do trust the good Dr. Morneau (remember when there was a real actual seri...
More About: Stay

There Are Always Bigger Things
2007-08-02 05:00:00
Hey everybody, sorry I didn't post an open thread, but I was sorta on a date. And then I get back and see that a highway bridge collapsed into the Mississippi River. Our thoughts are with those who are deceased, their families, their friends, and their communities. These are tough things to deal with existentially, because there are no answers to the question "Why?"There are bigger things than baseball. Not many, but this is one of them.
More About: Things , Always

Friends Helping Friends
2007-08-01 02:16:00
Hey everybody, sorry to tease, but I have to help a friend move into his new place. So late, you ask? Yeah, I know. Some peoples' children, right?
More About: Friends , Ping

Alexi - Maybe You Can Become King of the Castle
2007-07-31 02:06:00
PREGAMELuis Castillo is gone. Off to the Mets. In some more name-dropping, I just got back from playing tennis with David Wright's younger brother. I'm not one to assess minor-league (or probably major league, or any kind, actually) talent, but what do you all think? I thought we had a glut of outfielders, but uh, ok. Above-300 hitter, right?TOP 1ST24 pitches later, Baker has retired a batter. Things are looking up! You said it man! Nobody fucks with DeJesus. Except Scott Baker.And a 1-2-3 first. Hey, we need a snappy name for the strapping young lad playing third. Anybody?BOTTOM 1STFreaking and The Pear King pull a Spike Lee joint and do the right thing, and Mauer pulls out the big bat to drive them in. How does one get the name Gil? Is it a shortening of Vergil? Gilbert? Probably Gilbert. I had a colleague once who named his kid Aeneas, and another colleague remarked, "How terrible, to name your kid Anus." Anyway, Sinn Fein's pipe bomb backfired like a Road Runner episode.The R...
More About: Castle , Lexi

I Believe In One Or Two Things
2007-07-29 23:30:00
First, I believe that it can be your birthday if you want it to be.Second, I believe in the baseball gods. You see, not only is life akin to a game of baseball, so is SUPERNATURAL LIFE. That's like life but like whoa. This is important, because in the baseball gods hall of fame, they right the wrongs of Cooperstown, and Roger Maris is in the hall. And Pete Rose never will be. Y'hear me? But those are diversions. Happy birthday!There are omens, there are portents (and any good PAB reader knows that I don't know the difference - but it's the little references that make us happy. Is there a Ralph's anywhere around here?) and there is RAGNAROK. Yeah, because it's time.Look, you don't just happen to have a martini with Charlie Leibrandt's daughter on a weekend excursion down to Charlotte. That's a SIGN.**Editor's Note: RK did in fact have a martini with Ms. Leibrandt, this is not a hypothetical, at a bar called Therapy in Charlotte. Therapy, get it? What will they think of next...
More About: Things

(At Least Half of Us) [Are] Back!
2007-07-26 13:27:00
Like a whack-a-mole, I've popped up on the other side of Blacksburg, fully moved in, with all the luxuries I need, like interwebs. I haven't been missing much, but it's not too late to turn this thing around! AVANT!!RK
More About: Back , Half

Depressing Realizations
2007-07-16 19:18:00
Neither WV nor I have lived in the same place for one calendar year since jetting off to our respective liberal arts colleges as tender guppies in the fall of 2000. As such, please be patient with us as we move either across town or across the country and have spotty updates. MN trip still pending. Housewarming gifts? Why you shouldn't have! No no, I'll send you our addresses later. Sweet things.--RK
More About: Depressing , Realization

Open Thread Sabbarth
2007-07-08 20:29:00
Party people,What can I say? Watching Federer pull out the 5-set against Nadal makes me want to hit the courts, get a little tan, work on the backhand, etc. So let me know how it goes for El Gordito as we rest on this day of... rest.--RK
More About: Open , Thread , Abba , Barth , Bart

The Battle For The Garza Strip
2007-07-07 02:07:00
PREGAMEIf anyone has deja vu, it's because we also blogged today's earlier bloodbath in which the Twinkies, despite Ramon Ortiz and Scott Baker's best efforts, scored 20 runs and still white-knuckled themselves a victory. For thoughts there, scroll down. HEY HAWK--YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE BOARD....YES! Right where we left off, Justincredible, was just that. 100th Career Shot! Congrats, sir. I heart crooked numbers. BOTTOM 1ST, TWINS UP A FIELD GOALHey Garza, 4 fastballs in a row? Have we learned anything? Go see Dr. Bert on how to throw a curveball. And he eventually caught up to your 6th fastball in a row and hit a single to right field. I'm tapping my foot impatiently, mister. So Matt, did that curve ball you threw for a swinging strike 3 to Iguchi make him look totally ridiculous? Yeah. Good thing the Pear King pumped up his Nike Air's so he could catch that high pickoff throw from Garza for the 2nd out. Watching the Bitch Sox getting picked off and fling their bats all over t...
More About: Battle , Strip , The G

I'll Take A Double Dipped Comiskey Dilly Bar, Please
2007-07-06 20:08:00
TOP 1STAfter seeing if a pig was flying through the sky and seeing none, I'm not totally convinced that Luis Castillo's extra base hit wasn't a figment of my imagination. Juan Uribe, forgetting that you need to have the ball in your glove to tag someone out, decides instead to fling it directly at Castillo. Safe at 3rd.MAUER PAUER! That's a good way to get that batting average above .300. Apparently the magical run support voodoo doll Kevin Slowey was using has been left with Rocket Bats.Torii'd love to stay in Minnesota but being totally fucking clutch and driving in another run makes it so much easier to cash in elsewhere. Free Agent To Be Meter: 5 Years, 80 Mil. Jason Kubel is a man who gets things done, and all of these 1st inning runs has me a little nervous. It's a loooong 18 innings boys, a marathon not 50-yard dash. Jason Tyner is NOT a man who gets things done. No, he's a boy who weakly grounds out. BOTTOM 1STScott Baker, you never cease to amaze. Down 3-0, fights ba...
More About: Double , Lease , Ease , Dill