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Checkin' in with Josh 5: It's Over
2008-03-27 14:56:00
Yet another sad day for all of you Josh Towers fans out there. Not only will you not get to see your favourite pitcher with the Jays anymore, you just won't see him. The Colorado Rockies announced that Mark Redman received a rotation spot over Joshua. Franklin Morales got the fifth spot.The Rockies' official site reports: In reality, Redman came the closest to winning a spot -- he had no walks in six Cactus League games -- but it was more that he and Morales were picked over Towers, because none of the candidates were lights out.Looks like that special meatball pitch Towers was working on didn't quite do the trick. Nor his pitching in general.Redman went 2-2 with a 7.23 ERA in the Cactus League. ... Towers actually had a similar spring to Redman, with a 7.20 ERA and, and nine strikeouts to two walks in Cactus League play. In a Minor league game on Wednesday, Towers gave up four runs on eight hits, with six strikeouts and one walk -- not much different from what Redman did. Bottom...

Jose, Can You See By Lavin's Early Read
2008-03-26 22:13:00
Through vague circumstances, humourist Joe Lavin got his hands on an advance copy of Jose Canseco's latest foray into rumour mongering, or as Canseco refers to it, someone else writing down my thinkings when I says them out loud, or as the ghostwriter refers to it, the most shameful thing I've ever been a part of.According to Lavin, the juciest excerpts of "Vindicated: Big Names, Big Liars, and The Battle to Save Baseball," revolve around Canseco claiming that not only did he "introduce Alex [Rodriguez] to a known supplier of steroids," but Rodriguez repeatedly tried to sleep with Canseco's wife.Matt Ufford, from With Leather, remembers Jessica Canseco's Playboy photo shoot from September 2005, and writes, "I mean, she looked pretty good, but I thought she was a little too muscul-- OHHHHHHHHHHH. Right. Story checks out."I recently read that as part of his offseason regime, a trainer suggested to Rodriguez that he become a vegetarian. Rodriguez agreed that he would one day, jus...
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The Television Spots Are Out
2008-03-26 20:22:00
This year's crop of Blue Jays television ads focus on their star players when they were barely old enough to get knocked over by a pillow swing from Frank Thomas.Roy Halladay as an accurate Brussels sprout avoider:Aaron Hill as a young swinger:My favourite, Alex Rios as a Puerto Rican punk who wants to take advantage of your daughter:This year's ads are courtesy of Partn&rs Film Company.We like to slag the Blue Jays organization whenever the opportunity presents itself, but since they got rid of those demented puppets, they've done an excellent job picking their advertising, especially the television spots. This year is no exception.
More About: Television , Spots

Controv-Injury
2008-03-26 15:43:00
In reading too much into things news, Gregg Zaun hasn't caught a game in just under a week, and while J.P. Ricciardi has told the media that Zauner is nursing a sore right hamstring, Mike Wilner noticed that the Jays starting catcher was walking around on Tuesday with a "wrap/brace type thing below his right knee."I'm not a doctor (unless that's what a stewardess on a red-eye from Toronto to Vancouver wants to hear), but I'm somewhat certain that your hamstrings are above your knees (very high above your knees if you're a stewardess on a red-eye from Toronto to Vancouver in need of a "hamstring massage").To calm your nerves, Wilner also points out that it's doubtful the Jays would've given Sal Fasano his release if they expected Zaun to miss any time because of the injury. So, this post is likely a waste of your time.De rien!
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Ricciardi Is Desperate
2008-03-26 06:33:00
After Casey Janssen went down for the season with a torn labrum, Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi seemed a little less than eager to name Jesse Litsch as the fifth starter. However, no one knew the lengths that Ricciardi would go to avoid relying on the youngster.According to ESPN, under the list of Major League Baseball transactions for Monday, March 24, 2008, this happened:I've stood by Ricciardi while others have called the recent dismissals of Reed Johnson and Sal Fasano classless, and I'm all for thinking outside the box, but this may be going too far even for my taste.Special thanks to 92-93 whose eagle eyes spotted the transaction.Update: ESPN has removed the entry, but rumours are now circulating that the Jays are after former Cardinal pitcher Josh Hancock.
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Hey Chicago, Here're The Keys To Our Dougie
2008-03-26 06:04:00
Reed Johnson spent less time on the available list than that fucking heartless bitch Jessica Trout did when she broke my heart in the Summer of '94. However, instead of the fifteen year old arms of Matthew Clarke, Johnson will find solace for the next year with the Chicago Cubs.Johnson and the Cubs agreed to a $1.3 million contract for one year. It's expected that Johnson will share time at center field with testicular torsion victim Felix Pie and further cock block Matt Murton from ever playing Major League Baseball in Chicago.Johnson made a great first impression on Tuesday when he went two for five, with a double, a stolen base and two runs scored to help the Cubs down the San Franciscos 7-5.Obviously, our best wishes for success go out to "Dougie" on his new team. When Interleague Play brings the Cubs to Toronto in June, anyone who boos the Jays former left fielder can expect my fist on their face like a powerful moss . . . and not in the sexy way either.
More About: Keys

Rolen Has Surgery, Offends Multitudes On Way Home From Hospital
2008-03-26 05:43:00
Scott Rolen's middle finger was rinsed out like a wet flannel on Monday, and inserted with a pin to help it heal. It's expected that the Jays newly acquired third baseman will miss more than three weeks because of the injury.As those charged with cleaning the lower levels of Knology Park are fully aware, Rolen injured his finger in a bloody mess during fielding practice on Sunday.When I was in grade four, my friend Caleb sprained his middle finger and had to wear a brace that forced his digit to remain upright. No one, least of all Caleb, imagined that you could possibly get in trouble for using a vulgar gesture at school while your finger was forced into that position.However, "I was just waving the back of my hand at her" was not a suitable excuse for Principal Bailey when Caleb was brought into his office for signifying his displeasure to Mrs. Perry after she told him that recess was rained out.
More About: Hospital , Home , Surgery

Fasano Released
2008-03-26 03:28:00
Sal Fasano, that classy gentleman with the fu manchu and catcher's mask, was released by the Blue Jays earlier today.Over the last few days, J.P. Ricciardi has released more character from this team than Matt LeBlanc did in his ten year portrayal of Joey Tribbiani. But here's the deal: Just as with the finale of Friends, you shouldn't shed a tear.Sure, Fasano is a class act. We all know the Jeff Pearlman quote by now, "When I think of Sal Fasano, however, I think of greatness. Not of Willie Mays or Ted Williams greatness, but of a uniquely excellent human being who, were class and decency the most valued standards of a career, would be the easiest Hall of Fame inductee of all time."However, just as talented ballplayers live off their past exploits in the twilight of their careers, Fasano became a fan favourite in Toronto through his reputation as a good person, not for anything he did in a Blue Jays uniform.I know it's an unpopular notion to consider, but can you think of any ...
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Jays' Unis Being Watched
2008-03-25 17:50:00
The Jays and their new powder blue uniforms were the main focus-- or at least, the first focus-- of a typically sprawling Uni Watch article over on ESPN today. As usual, Paul Lukas went overboard with links that show the uniforms from every possible fucking angle, but in this case, I'm pretty OK with that. Some awesome shots of Dave Stieb nailing a play at first base (barely), and another one that appears to be of not one man, but a composite of every mid-80s Jays pitcher with a moustache. Also there's a pic of a uniform that, I think now with a little more perspective on it, we might possibly be able to say is the friggin' greatest ever.The article gets pretty fucking ridiculously deep into other changes to uniforms that we'll be seeing around the league this year-- including the Royals' own powder blues, which they pretty much fucked to death. Yet it's near-universal praise for the Jays and their marketing team, and not just for the powder blues, but the decision to wear the...
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Play Ball!
2008-03-25 16:26:00
The season hasn't begun yet for the Toronto Blue Jays, and they're already facing an uphill battle. The Jays fell to .5 games behind the American League East leader earlier this morning when the Boston Red Sox beat the Oakland Athletics 6-5 in ten innings.The first game of the season, played in Tokyo before over 44,000 fans, was decided in the top of the tenth when Manny Ramirez hit a two-run double to deep centre field. Fittingly, Japanese reliever Hideki Okajima got the victory.The Bostons and Oaklands go at it again tomorrow morning to complete their opening series in Japan.
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Rios Deal Nearly Complete
2008-03-25 05:29:00
After a several days of bad news out of Jays camp, JP Ricciardi has evidently decided that enough is enough, and will soon make with some good news by announcing that he's finally signed Alex Rios to a long term deal.Now, I know I probably talk a little too much about the fucking hysterical fans who like to go shit ape (or, as Bob McCown would say, on radio at least, "ape goof") over every little goddamn thing-- such as the Jays not having signed Rios long-term as of about three minutes ago-- but I think I'm completely justified in thinking thank fuck this is done and can shut some of those morons up. No?This deal was pretty much always going to happen, but it's nice that the panicky idiot types will now officially have one less thing to worry about. They can comfortably continue pissing and moaning about late inning defensive replacements in left field, or some other complete bullshit. (It's been at least a week since I heard anyone bitch about the catching, eh shitheads?)Anywh...
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Special Live Blog!
2008-03-25 02:49:00
Hi everybody, welcome to this hastily-planned live blog of the first (or maybe second) post-Reed Johnson version of Jay's Talk with uh... Jay Wilner.The Jays lost 5-3 to the Cincinnati Reds tonight, and if you actually care about the score, you should probably go fuck yourself.Now, I probably should preface this hastily-planned little clusterfuck by saying that it sounds like it's very possible that this won't exactly be an "extendo" Jay's talk-- or even a regular length one. I'm really not sure, but it sounds like Wilner's got some stuff planned other than the radio magic (read: idiot callers) that I expect once the lines are opened.And here we go...10:01 PM: Wilner starts by ripping off one of the Fan590's update people, who told him earlier today that Sarasota, FL, is a sister city of Hamilton, which is where the first caller is from. Zing! Gotcha Wilner!10:04 PM: The first complaint about Stewart comes, and Wilner parries and thrusts perfectly. Right handed pitching, moro...
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Monday Grab Bag
2008-03-24 20:40:00
A Lot Of People Still Don't Get It, So....Look. I'll fully admit that I don't quite like Reed Johnson as much as the next guy, but I still like him plenty and think he's a good ballplayer and everything (though I won't bring up grit or heart or spunk or whatever, because why does it only ever seem like white players supposedly have those things?). Anyway, the thing is, exactly like Parkes said, he can't hit right-handed pitching.Please try to get this through your heads everyone. Seriously. I've been led to believe that there are still a lot of angry Reed fans out there, but they're completely wrong on this one.Realize that Matt Stairs will vacate left field for every single inning that either he, or Overbay, or Thomas is hurt. If you only have Johnson left to fill that hole, he kills you against RHP. Kills you! Stewart doesn't, and unless you're willing to gamble that a pair of 40-year-olds and Lyle Overbay are going to spend the whole season in good health, that's prett...
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It's An Outrage!
2008-03-24 19:08:00
Since releasing Reed Johnson on Sunday, the Blue Jays, and those defending their latest transaction, have faced an onslaught of angry comments from the large Reed Johnson contingent on just about every online forum.I suppose that this is to be expected. Johnson was a gritty, passionate player that inspired cheers and admiration from anyone who watched him. Even J.P. Ricciardi was visibly shaken after terminating his services with the team.While I maintain that this seemingly unpopular decision is good for the ballclub, if you ignore the "Reed has heart" and "Ricciardi is a heartless and classless motherfucker" arguments, there are still some interesting points being made by those who are wrong. As usual, most of these educated opinions can be found in our comment sections, and not underneath Jamie Campbell's latest blog post.The Ack wonders why Johnson's stats against right handed pitching should matter at all if he's going to be in a platoon anyway. He dismisses the argument...

Do You Dugout?
2008-03-24 16:38:00
Instead of searching high and low for some uninteresting articles to link to in order to put together an entire Random Blue Bird Droppings post, I thought I'd just mail this one in and let you know that the Jays get The Dugout treatment today.You're welcome.MannyTheTorpedoes: jagpot

Rolen Gets Fingered
2008-03-24 04:36:00
In no way do I believe in religion, mysticism or any other made up thing, but I'm willing to go out on a limb to suggest that Jesus has an enormous voodoo doll of the Toronto Blue Jays and really gets a kick out of plunking it with needles that he sharpens on the hooves of Beelzebub while God claps. The evidence is fairly irrefutable.In a freak accident during fielding practice prior to today's exhibition game against the Phillies, Scott Rolen's right middle finger was struck by a baseball and fractured. The Jays newly acquired third baseman immediately traveled to Baltimore to meet with hand specialist Dr. Thomas Graham, who's as well known for his work at the Curtis National Hand Centre as he is for the tasty crackers he serves in his waiting room.Rolen, who lost most of his fingernail in the incident, is now expected to miss the season opener because of the injury. Surprisingly, Blue Jays GM J.P. Ricciardi remains optimistic in front of the media, saying, "I don’t think ...

Requiem For An Outfielder
2008-03-23 16:27:00
Earlier this week, in an ominous moment of foreshadowing that shook me to the core, I pulled out my Reed Johnson bobblehead from a storage box to discover that he had been beheaded.I'm not going to pretend this wasn't a traumatic moment for me. No man should ever have to find his bobblehead in that type of condition. However, I remained ignorant to the true relevance of this seemingly random incident . . . until today.Waking up from an alcohol-induced slumber, my mind flashed back to that revelatory moment of first seeing the broken and embarrassed bobblehead when I read that Reed Johnson had been released by the Toronto Blue Jays.Johnson was the type of player that baseball fans love to watch. Exhibiting more hustle than a Three-card Monte dealer, Johnson's entire five year career with the Jays was spent diving for fly balls, leaning into inside pitches and holding his baseball bat between his legs before stepping up to the plate. His gritty play was what you might expect fr...
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Saturday Grab Bag
2008-03-22 17:08:00
Before we begin, I'm long overdue for giving a shout out to our friend Rich at Home Run Derby for his excellent compilation of crotch grab pics that I've been stealing lately for these Grab Bags. Recently he's also brought us a seriously fantastic bit about how, if you ask the Japanese, they would tell you that Steve Trachsel is the Cause of Global Warming. Amazing. And true! (And fuck Steve Trachsel!)And now for something completely different...BREAKING NEWS: The National Post is reporting that Toronto is now officially slated to host games during the first round of the 2009 World Baseball Classic. Canada and the US will be playing games out of the Rogers Centre, as well as two other countries. (Do I say now that I hope one of them isn't Holland so I don't have to take shit for not cheering Canada? No, I'll wait on that...)Gregg Goes Zaun the Record About McGowanMike Rutsey of the Sun talks to Gregg Zaun about the Jays' three young starters, and specifically throws praise to...
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Bobbleheads? More Like Bobble Fuck-Yous
2008-03-22 07:26:00
I'm drunk, so there's a chance that I'm misreading this (though... I'm also pretty friggin' sharp, so probably not), and there is also a chance that I'm overreacting to something that's completely natural considering New Hampshire's proximity to Boston, but, uh...WHY THE FUCK ARE THE JAYS' DOUBLE-A AFFILIATE GOING TO GIVE AWAY GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING JACOBY ELLSBURY AND CLAY BUCHHOLZ MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN BOBBLEHEADS AT THEIR GAMES THIS SEASON???Am I wrong? What the fuck is this? Travis Snider and Brett Cecil are going to be nailing shit all year, bringing an Eastern League title home to Manchester, and those fucking pseudo-Masshole cunts are going to be in the stands, straining to pay attention to the bonerrific stylings of these future Jays because they're being distracted by the dumb, bouncing grins of this century's Greg Blosser and John Curtice...Fuck that! Am I wrong? Am I wrong? Fucking fuck that!!!

The Headline About The Beej Being Back Is Back... Again
2008-03-22 03:15:00
I'm not sure how many more times were going to let ourselves get away with using riffs that cheap-ass headline, but I figure it's got at least a few more uses left in it before I really start to feel like a fucking hack. So, yeah. I'll use it again.This time it's in reference to the fact that, a day after missing his scheduled game appearance and prompting the panicky idiot types in the fan-base to stop losing their shit about the hitters not hitting yet for a few minutes to bemoan the Jays' medical staff for this latest setback, the Beej apparently felt good enough to throw, so he put in a thirty-pitch bullpen session.Yay!Say Goodbye to Sally BoyAccording to Jordan Bastian of BlueJays.com, the hinting we heard earlier in the spring about Sal Fasano not wanting to return to Triple-A are true. Probably. "I really don't see myself as a Triple-A player," Fasano said. "I've been in the big leagues a long time. I don't want to go back down."The moustache will be missed... but no...
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Jays Want Monkey On Their Backs
2008-03-21 19:08:00
Hey, everybody! Look at me, I'm Stoeten. I'm too good to write about locker room monkeys.Well, now I'm Parkes and I'm not such an elitist.Jeff Blair mentioned yesterday that the Blue Jays , led by Shaun "North Of Steeles" Marcum, are seeking approval from GM J.P. Ricciardi to get a clubhouse monkey for the coming season. Even Frank Thomas is on board for an extra set of opposable thumbs in the locker room.My guess is that Ricciardi won't have a problem with it seeing as though there's been a hole at that position since Rey Olmedo was picked up off waivers.I know what you're thinking. Just like Jesus, monkeys are pretty played. I agree. In fact, my vote would be for a clubhouse weasel or marmot. Or if we wanted to keep with the whole evolutionary theme, maybe one of those tree shrews that we're descended from.Do those even exist, or am I imagining something?I'm stealing this joke from Grade Ten Stoeten, but if the Jays do get a monkey mascot, I hope they name it Shock...
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Stats Entertainment!
2008-03-21 05:22:00
Truth be told, I don't have the kind of mind that's really well-suited for the kinds of stats that a lot of baseball people get really geeked on, nor, as a general rule, am I a fan of posts about stats (or using "geeked" as a verb). Yet here we are. . . about to talk some stats.The reason for this was because I recently came across a blog post from a site called Baseball Notes, or, if you prefer to believe the URL, somebaseballnotes.com... Either way, a seriously fucking plainly-named blog. They've turned me on to a little tool on Baseball-Reference.com-- which may be yesterday's news to the stat-head set, but since I have a life, is completely new to me-- that will break down all kinds of data about how any given team performed at each spot in the batting order. Upon closer inspection, this is actually kind of cool.The nut of the post on Baseball Notes was that they've gone through this data team by team for 2007, and picked out which team had the highest OPS at each spot in t...
More About: Entertainment , Stats

Thursday Brevity
2008-03-20 20:40:00
Why the hell is ESPN trying to start shit in the Jays clubhouse? Not only is AJ Mass reading way too much into Gibbers' praise for Che Youkilis and the Sox, but what's with this bullshit: "Perhaps we're not headed for another implosion of the Shea Hillenbrand or Ted Lilly variety, but somehow I would not be surprised if something springs up later on this season as a result of Gibbons not completely thinking through what he's saying."Sounds like the Beej is no longer likely to break camp with the Jays, and that everyone is OK with it. Weird, because the sense a lot of people seem to have been getting was that the Jays and their doctors were going to be complete retards and push BJ so hard that his arm would end up flying into the stands and getting devoured by fat housewives. Funny how the Jays have managed to keep things in perspective, huh?I saw Steve Kouleas of the Score at the fucking College Street Dominion last night at maybe two-thirty in the morning. I drunkenly asked him...
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Elevation!
2008-03-20 18:06:00
According to MLBastian, former Blue Jays second baseman Roberto Alomar has been "elevated" into the club's Level Of Excellence. According to the FAN 590, a ceremony to recognize Alomar will take place at the home opener on April 4th.After saying "About fucking time," Alomar told media participating in a teleconference that once he's elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, he'd choose to have a Blue Jays cap on his plaque.Alomar's elevation also reminds me that John McDonald really needs a new intro song for his at bats this season. No favourite player of mine can continue to come into the game to a U2 song with lyrics like A mole / Digging in a hole / Digging up my soul now / Going down, excavation. It confuses my sense of taste too much.A reader previously suggested Do The Johnny Mac by Ty Boog, and I'm inclined to agree.

The Drunk Jays Fans Guide To Maximizing Your Ballpark Experience In Non Ine
2008-03-20 06:09:00
While most of our DJF guides instruct readers on how best to get fucked up, how best to fuck someone else up (or down if you prefer), or how best to sneak stuff into the stadium to get fucked up, I wanted to acknowledge the fact that there are respectable teetotallers out there in the Rogers Centre crowd and explain that baseball audiences aren’t always as ruckus as a stadium full of people waiting for a Bludklot, Festering Puke and Zombie Hate Brigade triple bill.In fact, one of my favourite regulars from last season was a man in his mid to late thirties who would bring his three young kids with him to games and patiently explain to them some of the finer points. I never once saw him have to keep one eye shut in order to better judge the distance between steps in an aisle on his way to get more to drink, but I respected him nonetheless.As the 2008 regular season creeps closer and closer to the starting line, I thought that now would be as good a time as any to prepare ball game ...
More About: Fans , Experience , Drunk , Guide , Ballpark

Wednesday Grab Bag
2008-03-19 20:25:00
I know, I know, that's not the typical picture for the Wednesday Grab Bag, but uh.... Hammer! As in, MC Hammer. As in, the man who is going to provide the most bonerrific conclusion to a baseball game ever, when he performs at Tropicana Field July 19th, immediately after the Jays crush the Rays. Boner! And even though they probably won't even show it on TV up here, just knowing that Hammer is in the building and watching the same game as I am will put a smile on my face. I'm a simple man in many ways... especially when it comes to Hammer. (As a side note, even though there does not appear to be any crotch grabbing going on in that picture, you have no idea what the hell might be going on underneath those pants. Personally I haven't ruled out the possibility of there being several beautiful babies under there, fondling Hammer's junk.) (As a second side note, in the press release they have so little to say about his career that they mention Hammer's pants twice. Those, my friend...

Wednesday Grab Bag
2008-03-12 20:07:00
Sure, we all know that Casey Janssen is now out for the season, but do we know how to properly pronounce Ricciardi when visiting North Dakota? Thanks to the wizards at Bismark's KXMB (via the AP) we sure as fuck do!Why does John Donovan of Sports Illustrated want me to hate Jacoby Ellsbury? I mean, I don't mind doing it, and I probably would have eventually come to hate him anyway-- provided he's not a complete and hilarious bust-- but why force it with a bullshit glowing profile? It's hardly unprecedented for a kid to come up on fire in his first taste of the big leagues, put up wildly impressive stats in a small sample size, only to wind up with a future that looks like it's not exactly going to blow the balls off the American League (see: Lind, Adam). Trying to poignantly quote a fucking 24 year old saying, "I just like to win. That pretty much sums it up," as though it out to mean anything to anyone outside of the folks in Boston lapping up this shit being spoon-fed to them...
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Hurtie (Hurty? Hurting? Hurdy?) Janssen
2008-03-12 17:59:00
I'm sure you've all heard by now that Casey Janssen has a torn labrum and will miss the entire 2008 season. That's more than a little bit shitty, but probably more for the player than the team. I think.I mean, far be it from me to taunt the Baseball Gods (again), but I honestly think this staff can absorb the hit-- which maybe proves that Ricciardi has done an excellent job of finding depth. Right?Of course, it reduces the number of additional hits the pitching staff can absorb, but with the Beej steaming towards full strength, and Brandon League resembling his old, Silken Laumann-like self, this doesn't exactly feel like season-altering news.Hmmm....Of course, when Jesse Litsch gets figured out and the inevitable Burnett injury forces David Purcey into the rotation, and Brian Wolfe starts getting stretched out which gets the peanut gallery all riled up about bringing Brett Cecil to the majors, perhaps I'll be a little more inclined to pine for Janssen. (Though there have been ...

Fake Rumour Watch: We Made the NY Post
2008-03-12 03:50:00
You want to know something about the fake rumour I've been hoping to start about the Mets talking to the Jays about Reed Johnson? Turns out it makes so much goddamn sense that I'm not even sure anymore if it's fake or not. I mean, it was picked up by Joel Sherman in the friggin' New York Post ! And they'd never print anything unsubstantiated.Right?Fuck. Maybe I've set my sites too low here. Maybe my calling isn't starting rumours to impress my professors at the Marty York School of Ass-Backwards Bullshit Journalism. Maybe this deal is so smoking good that I need to be in management. I mean, shit... I think I've really nailed this one, right? It makes perfect fucking sense. Too much sense. Team needs outfielder, team wants outfielder. Who else could have dreamed this shit up?Zang! I am fucking nailing it. . .You know... if there are any GM's out there, I'm available. You can't deny, I've got an eye for this shit. Sure, I might be a Jays fan, but if, say... the Milwaukee Br...
More About: Watch , Fake , Made , Rumour

Picture Time!
2008-03-12 00:57:00
The last couple years, my favourite sign that spring is nearly upon us is when cheap-shit headline writing hacks start to trot out Wang jokes like they're trying to land that dream gig working for Jay Leno. This particular one worked wonders for my wang.Hey, look at me! I put web content up for the sports page of the Toronto Star, yet I don't even know the names of our writers, nor do I give enough of a fuck about my job to go check to make sure "Ryan Allan" is really what I want to write here! Pity the fucking shit out of me!The best set of teeth this side of Silken Laumann? What the fuck? Whoa, whoa, whoa... what the fuck? ? ? Is that insanely pointless reference supposed to be a compliment? Because I really don't think it is. . . What do you think Brando-- oh God! OH SHIT SHIT! Wha-wha-what the fuck? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT HIDEOUS FUCKING THING!!!! . . . oh. . . ohhhhhh. . . Sorry, Brandon. I guess it was just your Laumann-esque gummers. . .
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