Drunk Jays Fans

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It's Up
2008-05-20 20:22:00
The Score just posted the Drunk Jays Fans Podcast Part Trois, and believe you me, you should prepare for your pants to rise from 6:30 to midnight at the sounds of our voices bringing you the most outrageous opinions on our favourite team.Highlights from this week's podcast: outlandish accusations directed toward Richard Griffin, Bergkamp calls Paul Godfrey a motherfucker, some projectile talk and we do some soul searching after yet another guest stands us up.

Adieu
2008-05-20 16:53:00
From the world of thrillingly exciting roster news, Tracy Thorpe has been claimed off waivers by the Seattle Mariners, and Jorge Velandia told the Blue Jays, "Thanks, but no thanks" to their offer of a roster spot in Syracuse.The two losses to the roster leave a glaring hole in the shitty mediocrity department. It's sort of reminiscent of the time that Har Mar Superstar pulled out of Bonnaroo.Earlier last week, Sergio Santos was claimed by the Minnesota Twins, while the Venezuelan Smell, Gustavo Chacin, cleared waivers and was assigned to Dunedin.These updates are brought to you by a general lack of any other Blue Jays news.

Long Weekend Learnings
2008-05-20 14:49:00
1. Hangovers suck.2. Giving David Purcey the ball in a Major League game is like giving Gandhi a gun for a preemptive strike.3. When your girlfriend cancels your plans to go meet her over a long weekend, at least pretend to be disappointed and apologetic even though she's the one bailing on you. I know it sounds illogical, but trust me. Also, taking her to see fireworks on Monday night smooths any conflict over.4. The FAN Radio Network handles rain delays like professionals. Rogers Sportsnet, not so much.5. When a drunken bartender puts on a Star Trek soundtrack album at the bar, if you value your friend's dignity, don't ask the bartender if he has the Spock vs. Kirk music.6. When you're wandering around the studios at The Score, jokes about Kouly and Ludzy never get tired.My favourite:Me: When are you guys going to start up the All-Ludzy Network?Score Employee: What? You mean Fashion Television?7. Roy Halladay and Chuck Norris probably have a lot in common. I comp...
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Layin' Down the Law
2008-05-19 20:10:00
It's been a while since I cherry picked all of the Jays-related stuff out of one of the chats by our favourite ex-Jays front office man turned ESPN writer, Keith Law (possibly because he no long posts reminders on his personal blog-- which is probably because people like me should have figured out by now that they happen each Thursday.).So... um... yeah. Here are a few nuggets out of his last two chats...Matt (Toronto): You've been down on Purcey for a while now but with his hot start in AAA have you budged on him even a little??Keith Law: Let me think about it ... no.This was from the earlier chat of the two that I'm stealing from-- before Purcey's stellar eight-runs-over-three-innings outing against the Phillies on Friday. I wonder if Keith is budging now...Adam Lind (AAAA): Did I get a fair shake in LF? Am I a major league starter?Keith Law: No. Yes.Simple answers. And um... totally. How could you not be baffled by using 20 ABs to justify sending down a guy who had come up hi...

Amok Time
2008-05-19 08:30:00
I'm not saying for a fact that after recording our podcast we ended up at a bar that was almost closing, with one drunk bartender who at one point decided to surprise us by going into the back and changing into his golden-coloured Star Trek uniform and then talking about his tricorder and putting on the sounds of the original Star Trek-- like the shit where Spock and Kirk fight to the death-- and then pulling out two brooms so I could fight him, which I did, in the middle of the bar, with the brooms, while the sounds of the Spock v. Kirk music filled the whole room...But I am saying that maybe it happened. Maybe. And also that our podcast won't be posted until Tuesday... most likely because the Score is run by a bunch of lazy cunts fine, hardworking people who deserve to have a long weekend once in a while. At least, ... I'm pretty sure that's what I mean...(Also, FYI, this, if my math is anywhere close to good-- which it probably isn't---was our 1000th post. Uh... nails?)
More About: Time

All Rod. All Night.
2008-05-18 19:05:00
Are you as nervous about Sunday's rubber match between the Phillies and Jays as I am? I'm pretty confident that the Jays can pull this one out-- thus saving us from having to make reference to Hall and Oates in every post for a week-- but that doesn't mean I won't be on the edge of my seat.Fuck. These stakes are too high for my nerves to take!But thankfully, on Saturday there was the Captain. Captain Barajas, that is-- which I thought was a particularly stupid nickname for the guy when I first heard Wilner use it, yet now I find myself using it all the time-- shoving the boos right back down the throats of the Phillies fans.Those irritable fucks (but who wouldn't be, having to live in Philadelphia and all?) actually booed him during a spring training game this year, so the grand slam must have tasted a little fucking sweet. It would have been a perfect game for ol' Rod, of course, if he hadn't muffed a Benitez pitch in the seventh by not getting down to block it, but I guess ...
More About: Night

This series matters
2008-05-16 23:36:00
Just like the MLB thought they made things more exciting by awarding the winning league in the all-star game homefield advantage in the World Series , DJF has been trying to blow your mind by elevating a regular season series to new heights by making a wager with bloggers of the opposing team -- only to completely dishonour that bet after losing thereby making it kinda pointless. Beej! Beej! Beej! Take that D-Rays Bay!Now, after Parkes so graciously pointed out that we think the Philadelphia Phillies are a somewhat less than worthy opponent of our bullshit interleague mutherfuckin' time, we've raised the stakes yet again.Bill Baer, of the excellent Phillies blog Crashburn Alley, has not only kindly agreed to appear on our podcast for this Monday to discuss the series, but is also willing to put his integrity on the line but taking up the following challenge:Should we win, Mr. Baer will have to make a reference to Willowdale's finest rock band, Rush, in every post for a week. Shoul...
More About: Matters

Inglett and Co. Strut Into Philadelphia
2008-05-16 22:57:00
OK... so... um... you're right. That's not actually a picture of Joe Inglett.The internet, it turns out, is kind of shit for pictures of Joe Inglett. However, I was able to find a picture of Bruce Allison Inglett, which, if you ask me, is just as good. His picture, I might add, was easy to find. It was right there on the official Lincoln County Georgia website. . . in their registered sex offender database. Note to self: do not name male children "Allison". (Oh and sorry ladies, he's currently incarcerated).Anyway, what was I going to say? Oh yeah...Offensive explosion! Playoffs!OK, so three runs in however-many-innings-that-was isn't all that impressive, but who cares? I'm not about to look a gift win in the mouth. Are you?(Incidentally, gift wins, looking and mouths were the main topics of a Tao of Stieb post back on April 27th, where they also made the first recorded declaration that Scott Rolen is the greatest Blue Jay of all time. Almost simultaneously, I'd been writing t...
More About: Philadelphia

The Drunk Jays Fans Guide To Hating The Philadelphia Phillies
2008-05-16 16:55:00
It's the most wonderful time of the year. The weekend we've all been waiting for. Yes, I'm talking about Interleague Rivalry Weekend.This is the part of the season where we once again ask ourselves, "Is there a more loathsome sports town than Philadelphia ?" It's like a city comprised entirely of Queen Street East, without The Beaches or some of the more charming shops in Leslieville.You may be thinking that it's hard to get into a city to city rivalry without a token wager between the Mayors of each land. Believe it or not, there is no bet wherein if the Jays lose, we owe Philadelphia a smug sense of superiority over the rest of Canada, and if the Phillies lose, they owe Toronto some violent crime.Come on, get on this municipalities. Wagers are what make rivalries interesting.Actually, I'll never understand how MLB decided that Philadelphia and Toronto had any sort of rivalry whatsoever, but what's done is done, and as good Jays fans, it's now our duty to hate the fucki...
More About: Fans , Drunk , Philadelphia Phillies , Guide

Afternoons Are For Baseball
2008-05-15 19:07:00
They're moments away from the first pitch in Minnesota. If you're anything like me, you've remembered about forty times that today was an afternoon game before ultimately forgetting until about 12:30 p.m.Dustin McGowan starts for the Jays against young left-handed mediocrity Glen Perkins (but with a tremendous upside).Of note: Kevin Mench is the starting left fielder today, and Shannon Stewart is DHing.First InningBoth sides get retired in order. Perkins isn't terrible to watch pitch, and he works quickly with a lot of inside fastballs. I've had the former first round draft pick as a keeper in one of my fantasy leagues and this is the first time I've gotten to see him start. Fascinating, I know.Top of TwoScott Rolen continues to impress as the greatest Blue Jay ever with a hard hit single. Kevin Mench follows with a well hit ball that nears the gap, but Michael Cuddyer makes a diamond of a catch.Speaking of diamonds, I took the Queen Street Car home last night around two...
More About: Baseball

Marty York Has A Source Spot
2008-05-15 16:23:00
We've seen a few deuces from Marty York over the last year, which usually compliments the other shit stains from homeless fuckfaces who moved here from Timmins for landscaping work and literally use The Metro as their own personal Cottonelle.Remember when the Jays were going to sign Shawn Green? Or when Josh Towers was on his way to San Diego? How about when Toronto was interested in adding Roger Clemens and Andy Pettitte?Well, most recently, Mr. York's sources, obviously far from reproach, are telling him that the Jays are going to fire John Gibbons and replace him with Cito Gaston in the not too distant future. Pulitzer!Wow! I don't even know where to begin or how to explain the impossibility of this. The only question I can think of to ask is, what does it take to lose one's job in Canadian sports journalism? Okay, I have another question too. What the fuck?Now, Bergkamp has often pontificated on his theory that Marty York's sources are nothing more than the voices in ...
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Tempered Enthusiasm
2008-05-15 08:01:00
What the hell is this strange sensation I've been feeling the last couple nights? Something about it feels vaguely familiar-- I can't quite put my finger on it-- but right now I'm kinda afraid to think through it enough to give it shape, lest it vanish when finally I make the decisive grope towards it. Kinda like everything else I do that to. (Zing! Self-depre-zing!-precation!)Whatever the fuck it is, it can't possibly be right. Maybe it's a stroke?But I guess, like any other night, I should probably make some kind of comment on Wednesday's Jays game, regardless of whatever strange sensations I might be feeling-- like the odd compulsion to turn out the lights while I write and then mention that Satanic Majesties is probably exactly the right album for this room right now, which I'm sure precisely nobody cares about.Yeah, so Matty Stairs! Ho-lee fuck! That was a little fucking awesome in the first inning... I only wish that-- and far be it from me to shit on Halliday, especial...
More About: Enthusiasm

Piece of Shit Likes Roy Halladay
2008-05-15 03:09:00
From the AP:Q: Mr. President, I know you're going to hate this, but I'm hoping that we may twist your arm and talk about baseball for just a moment. (Laughter.) Mr. President, you're a Major League Baseball team owner again. Everyone is a free agent. You have a Yankees-like wallet. Who is your first position player? Who's your pitcher?Bush: That's a great question. I like Ottley [sic] from the Philadelphia Phillies. He's a middle infielder, which is always — you know, they say you have strength up the middle — there's nothing better than having a good person up the middle that can hit. And Roy Halladay from the Toronto Blue Jays is a great pitcher. He's a steady guy, he burns up innings. And I'm sure I'm leaving some other good ones out, but those _*Note: At this point I don't have to worry about alienating huge blocks of our audience by calling Bush a piece of shit, do I? I mean,... right? Come on, people! It's 2008! That was pretty much the nicest thing I could thi...
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Happy Birthday, Doc
2008-05-14 18:27:00
Thirty-one years ago today, a blessed child emerged out of his mother's birthing sac, right arm first, and the world would never be the same. According to a wank-off Toronto Life article from 2004:Harry Leroy Halladay III was born in 1977 in the Denver suburb of Arvada. His father flew planes for a food processing company; his mother stayed home to raise the kids. From an early age, Halladay gravitated to America’s pastime, and like any kid growing up playing baseball, he sampled every position on the field. By 14, he’d had so much success on the pitcher’s mound that he attracted the attention of major league scouts. In 1995, when he finished high school, he was picked up by the Jays in the amateur draft.A great big Happy Birthday ! to Roy Halladay who starts tonight against Boof Bonser and the Minnesota Twins.
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Today In Copy Editing
2008-05-14 18:16:00
No one around these parts wants to speak ill of a National Post copy editor, especially considering that a particular employee of the Post has played the role of gracious host for late night drinking and fortified foosball tournaments on multiple occasions, but . . . uh . . .
More About: Today , Editing , Copy

Where The Hits Flow Like Wine
2008-05-14 16:01:00
It had been so long since a Toronto Blue Jay hit a home run that immediately following Matt Stairs' solo shot in the sixth I was momentarily dazed, unsure of the rules that pertain to a ball being hit over the fence. It turns out it counts as a score and gives fans boners bigger than cucumbers. Or, in my case, large and phallic shaped butternut squash.The dinger was one of five runs the Jays scored against the Twins, en route to their 5-3 victory. I can't remember a bigger offensive explosion since a giant group hug in grade ten drama class pushed me up against Brooke McLinden and held me there for longer than either of us would've liked.Not to be a shit in anyone's cut, but the Jays still left eight runners on base, including six in scoring position.The GoodLyle Overbay is a double machine once again. The Clone Prince knocked a two bagger in the sixth to bring home the Jays first run of the game.Aaron Hill broke out of his slump and went 2 for 4 last night, knocking in a ru...
More About: Wine , Hits , Flow

Triple Play? Pfft. No Big Deal.
2008-05-13 22:08:00
Cleveland Indians second baseman Asdrubal Cabrera slayed Jays fans last night by performing an unassisted triple play in the fifth inning.While lesser fans and sports commentators have been making a big deal out of the play. Johnson Burbank wants you to know that he turns a triple play once a week.
More About: Play , Triple Play , Deal , Triple

Respite
2008-05-13 17:23:00
Do you remember those university exams you had to write with a bazillion other kids in a gymnasium? You'd be writing furiously about how Mark Leyner's Et Tu Babe is the poststructuralist equivalent to Chaucer's Canterbury Tales, and then the goofy teaching assistant who could never give you a straight answer during seminars would start watching what you were writing, peering in from over your shoulder.It was distracting and disconcerting. And John Gibbons knows exactly how it feels.J.P. Ricciardi, whose schnoz makes his Death Hawk role all the more apt, traveled to Cleveland over the weekend to circle around the decaying corpse that is John Gibbons managerial future in Toronto. If the Jays had not pulled out an extra inning victory last night, after playing another entire nine innings without scoring a run, it's very likely Gibbons would've been sent back to Toronto instead of Minesota in order to clean out his office.Most Gibbons apologists claim that the Texan has done not...

Rock Bottom
2008-05-13 02:55:00
An unassisted triple play. Are you seriously fucking shitting me? How fucking ridiculously appropriate is that? This is officially fucked. Fuck you, Baseball Gods. That's just cruel.Yet... how do you not laugh at that? Cleveland's first unassisted triple play since Game 5 of the 1920 World Series. The fourteenth fucking ever in the goddamn history of the fucking sport of fucking baseball! Fuck!!!!I just had Red Sox fan living in Montreal pony up the long distance charges to call me up laugh. And laugh and laugh and laugh. Oh, good times! Thanks Gabe! Though he did at least have the heart to remind me that he'd suffered through 20 years of calls like that from friends who are Yankees fans...Well... it just can't get any goddamn worse than this, can it? And that seems to be where I've kind of settled in my long-running inner monologue about whether or not it makes sense to fire John Gibbons. It sure as fuck can't make things any worse.And besides, my thoughts matter not at this ...
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Joe Inglett? Seriously?
2008-05-12 20:51:00
Far be it from me to actually agree with Richard Griffin, but these are increasingly puzzling and frustrating times in Blue Jay land, and while I might normally have taken Griff's piece on Shannon Stewart's unhappiness, with its hints at clubhouse malaise, to be another steamy helping of soft serve ice cream (flavour: mud monkey) descending slowly into the squirming face of this organization, I'm starting to come around to the idea that maybe it's OK that black helicopters seem to follow John Gibbons everywhere he goes. Maybe he really is stirring the sauce a little too fast. Maybe it's meant to be that the fucking babysitter is a lazy cow and won't leave the house to do business even though the phone is bugged.Maybe I'm confusing Gibbers for Ray Liotta's character in Goodfellas again...But seriously, Joe Inglett? He actually had Inglett penciled in to play left yesterday? Why????I mean, I can actually justify-- if only to myself-- giving a day off Aaron Hill, even though Ve...

Think pink ... you fucking racists
2008-05-12 19:48:00
So I didn't find out till podcast time that the Jays didn't even fucking play yesterday. I was holed up in a recording studio in beautiful London (England, for all of you ethnocentrics out there) for the weekend and pretty much lost my mind.Still, that gives us the Jays' first doubleheader in three years to look forward to in 1 hour and 43 minutes' time. Did Dustin and Andrew already write all this shit? Again, I have no concept of anything right now. But the real travesty in yesterday's game being delayed is that it totally fucked up Batters Look Gay Day, otherwise known as Going to Bat Against Breast Cancer, otherwise known, in smaller circles, as Mother's Day.Now, we all have a laugh at this for obvious reasons. We're kinda retarded and we think pink = homo = funny. But seriously, pink bats do a lot of good by raising the public's attention on breast cancer and getting cash towards a cure. And the charity-haters Stoeten and Parkes, I'm not ashamed to say that I think tha...
More About: Pink , Fucking , Think Pink

Hey Ricciardi, Blogspot Has An Opening
2008-05-12 18:50:00
If the career arc of former Dodgers GM and Billy Beane protege Paul DePodesta can be seen as a doppleganger for our own dear J.P. Ricciardi's, I wonder if at some point next year we might find the proud New Englander reduced to the role of blogger.As a special assistant to San Diego Padres GM Kevin Towers, DePodesta, pictured above with a former disciple of Uncle Chan, has begun a Padres blog "to engage in a direct dialogue with [their] fans."Caring about the fans' opinion on baseball matters? What's next, actually telling the truth about injuries?Seeing as though blogging dramatically increases your fuckability, perhaps Ricciardi will finally be able to bag that highly obscure object of desire. Did anyone else forget about how awkward this whole production was?
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On Outs: Rain, Blow and Otherwise
2008-05-12 14:39:00
If only the Blue Jays were as adept at lowering expectations as Andrew Stoeten prior to a podcast. We wouldn't feel nearly as disappointed in a team that gets blown (you mean away?) 12-0 by the Cleveland Indians. We also likely wouldn't think of rain and a day off as a good thing.Speaking of days off, a kafuffle isn't just something you regret eating at a Middle Eastern restaurant when you're fortified (or drunk as catshit, if you prefer) anymore, it's also something caused by John Gibbons' odd decisions when it comes to resting players this early in the season. I realize it's a marathon, not a sprint, and a million other sports metaphors, but Gibbons had me scratching my head when he rested Aaron Hill immediately following the announcement that Vernon Wells would be shelved for eight weeks.Now, having said that, I highly doubt Aaron Hill would've knocked in a dozen runs, but is there an excuse for not putting the best possible team out there when your squad is struggling...
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The Thing About A Podcast Is...
2008-05-12 07:07:00
It's not as easy as it looks. So... after a week of busting Parkes' balls (mostly in private-- which is where I do most of my verbing of his balls) over the shitty job he did as last week's host, I went into the studios at the Score on Sunday and, quite naturally, shit the bed...Our second podcast has been laid down, and while it's probably not as much of a clusterfuck as I think it is, I do sorta feel compelled in this drunken state to explain that, due to some unforeseen bullshit, we weren't exactly able to get in touch with Cathal Kelly during the show. I talked with him afterwards and he sounded quite disappointed that it didn't work out-- though maybe less so when I told him that he wouldn't feel so bad once he heard what we said about him. We'll definitely have him back sometime for you all-- especially since he revealed that he had an impassioned, tear-jerking defense of Griffin all lined up and ready to go for us. Damn!Look for the new podcast sometime on Monday at t...
More About: Podcast , Thing

Six to Eight Weeks
2008-05-10 23:12:00
It's way too nice out to sit here typing out reasons why it fucking sucks that Vernon Wells' wrist is broken and is going to keep him on the shelf for six to eight weeks (FYI, consider the lying fucks who are making that pronouncement and figure it's most likely eight). The only two things I'll say about it before cracking a beer and heading out to sit in the sun are these:a) at least there's no possible way that this team could hit any worse than it already is, and b) I hope to fuck that injuries don't give JP another get out of having-your-fucking-ass-fired free card.And I say that as someone who defends JP way more often than not. I think we've seen enough of this team that, injuries or no, they've got to turn it around or else the GM should pay the price. And no, that's not different from my usual stance that it's still early to draw conclusions about 2008, which always seems to piss people off to no end. It is still early to say that there's no hope for this club, bu...
More About: Weeks

Goodbye Florida
2008-03-28 15:45:00
I remember a couple mid-nineties family vacations to the Sunshine State. No matter what level of bonding my family experienced while in Florida , we'd come back hating each other. A week of close confinement at a timeshare, and we were demanding separate seats in different aisles on the flight home.While things may be different for the Blue Jays, seeing as though they're not in their early teens and prone to random bouts of apathy, the post-vacation blues must be setting in as the team leaves Florida for Philadelphia, before starting the season in New York.As much as I look forward to it in February, I don’t really like Spring Training. I'm more of a "regular season" kind of guy. I like unrelenting war, the "we're not even considering calling this a draw in the tenth inning" competitiveness, the "I'm going to crash into your catcher and sacrifice my body for a measly run" way of thinking.I want baseball to the extreme with its rigor and intensity. Spring Training is soft. It...
More About: Goodbye

Oversized Thursday Grab Sack
2008-03-28 03:09:00
Last night I got real mean drunk and decided the fact that Reed Johnson proudly wears a fucking squirrel on his chin, and is the subject of creepy man-crushes by ridiculous fuckfaces who can only parrot what they hear on TV about bullshit like "grit", was more than enough for me to officially decide that Reed Johnson can officially go fuck himself (officially).Then today came word that Matt Stairs was nursing a wonky hip, and even though he's apparently fine (and what reason have the Jays ever given us not to believe them about an injury?), for a minute there it looked like the other half of the LF platoon might actually be forced already into taking hacks every day...Tell me again, fucking idiots, how much you want back the guy who's OPS+ against RHP last year was 44. Forty-fucking-four! A fucking squirrel!(Reed's squirrel is a bit of a bookworm, FYI.)Injuries Keep Rolen InOh, hey. Remember when I asked when the Jays had ever given us reason not to believe them about an injury? ...
More About: Thursday , Grab , Sack

The Tragically Hip
2008-03-27 19:24:00
Matt Stairs hasn't participated in a Spring Training game since Sunday against the Phillies.According to Mike Wilner, that's because Stairs is nursing a sore hip. The walrus look-a-like with that oh-so-typical East Coast body type will be participating today in a Minor League game instead of the regular game against Houston.As Wilner explains it, "He’s not playing in this one against the Astros because if he appears in a real fake game, the Jays won’t be able to backdate him as far on the disabled list, though Gibby said that wasn’t a consideration (it is)."Just excellent.

Fuck Home Opener
2008-03-27 18:49:00
Alright, so maybe I'm not in the brightest of moods following the news that I most likely will not be seeing my boyfriend pitching in any major league games for a while. Still, that is not the reason for the vehemence behind the title of this post. Normally, the term "fuck" is something we at DJF reserve for really offensive fucking stuff such as the wave, Ryan Greer, Richard Griffin and Richard Griffin. So why would I attribute it to the first day the Blue Jays grace us with their return to home turf? Cause I fucking hate it.I know I'm alone on this one but as much as I love baseball and watching the Jays, on what should be climax of Jays-lovefest-orgasm for most fans, I tend to be a bit floppy. And this is the first year I'm committing myself to not going. And I don't really know how to explain this properly without of course writing up a list of reasons, and adding my psychosis in the mix.Having the roof closed makes me feel like I'm back in the womb ... of a mother who abus...
More About: Home , Fuck

Random Blue Bird Droppings
2008-03-27 18:15:00
This year's Spring Training couldn't have gone on longer if Andy Warhol and Paul Morrissey had directed it. And people say this blog isn't gay friendly.Thankfully, on Monday, the Jays begin their regular season at Yankee Stadium. The usual culprits will be broadcasting the game (FAN 590 Radio, Rogers Sportsnet Television), starting at 1:00 p.m.Live BlogThe executive branch of DJF has given us the go ahead to drunkenly live blog the season opener. If you're stuck at work on Monday afternoon, and don't want to miss the ridiculousness that is Jamie Campbell, please join us as we type frantically from The Chairman's living room.The fine folks at Sony have provided us a couple copies of MLB 08 The Show for the Playstation 3 to give away during the live blog, so be sure to have your rapist's wit on display in the comments section.The RosterWith B.J. Ryan and Scott Rolen starting the year on the disabled list, the Jays will be bringing Randy Wells and Buck Coats with them when th...
More About: Random , Blue , Bird