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are you bringin’ a present for me? something pleasantly pleasant
2007-12-26 20:14:00
A word to the wise, Internet: when given as gifts to children ages 7-12, novelty bars of soap with money stuck in the middle will not encourage more frequent bathing as you so wrongly assumed when you bought them those many weeks ago. Rather, the kids will take one bath — just long enough to soften the soap — and will then use their greasy kid fingers to dig out the rolled-up dollar bills. Their fingernails will be cleaned in the process, though. It’s a Christmas miracle! I chose to celebrate first by drinking heavily, then by sticking Santa hats on various things around my house and taking photos. In years past I’d have given my dog a candy cane bone and then pretended to take it away from him for a heartwarming photo, but he bit me a few months ago so now he’s dead to me. Instead, I opted to start a brand-new tradition: humiliating my cats. Normally I’m dead-set against dressing up pets for any occasion, but it turns out my cats ...
More About: Present , Resent

if someday we get to meet again in a car crash, plane wreck or terrorist at
2007-12-18 22:08:00
If the avoidance of hot, painful and rotten flatulence is a goal of yours this holiday season, I strongly encourage you not to have stewed red cabbage and pork chops for supper, tasty though they may be. I even wrote a haiku to help convince you, since I know you take poetry seriously: in a hot showerletting a cabbage fart ripmight make you nauseous And with that, I’m off to D.C. for a couple of days. Miss me like you mean it. [note: then take a photo and send it to me.]
More About: Meet , Plane , Terrorist , Crash , Some

and wouldn’t old santa be in trouble if there ain’t no
2007-12-13 02:54:00
Speaking of erotic Christmas decorations, this turns me on. Don’t judge me.
More About: Santa

i ain’t like old st. nick; he don’t come but once a yea
2007-12-10 17:41:00
Okay, Internet. I get it. Despite my pleas to whatever shred of decency I thought you may have once possessed, you’ve proven yourself far too attached to crappy inflatable lawn decorations to abandon horrible taste. Undeterred by the whispers of “abomination” you assuredly hear around the neighborhood (convinced they’re actually complimenting your ten-foot Frosty), I’ve noticed you’ve even upped your inflatable game with animation. And while my instinct is to point out that inflatable Rudolph helping inflatable Santa out of the chimney is most likely a result of your subconscious expressing not only your ineptitude at decorating but also your serious need for help, I know that sort of talk will sail right over your NASCAR capped head. So being chock-full of compassion as I am by my own description, I’ve decided to try seeing things from your perspective. And you know what? After a half can of snuff and a four pack of wine coole...
More About: Nick

staring at the goldfish bowl, poppin’ phenobarbitol
2007-12-07 18:55:00
You ever wake up in the middle of the night and flip your pillow over, only to find the other side isn’t cool to the touch? You know that feeling of frustration you get as you flip it back over (in case you went too far the first time) but it’s still warm? The disappointment that comes with resigning yourself to a sleepless night resting your fat, pumpkin head on an unbearably warm pillow? Yeah, well, that’s how we feel about you. Me. Your parents. Jesus. All of us. And I’m sorry to be so blunt about it, but it really is for your own good. Consider this an intervention of sorts. We want you to get some help and pull yourself together, your parents and Jesus and me, and we’ll be here, right beside you, every step along the way. Your parents and Jesus will be, at least. I would, but I’ve got shit to do.
More About: Goldfish , Staring , The G , Bowl

christmas is a comin’ look out for twinkle elf, making christmas
2007-12-03 19:37:00
Two minutes, forty-two seconds. That’s precisely how much time you’ve got at the mall on a Sunday afternoon during the Christmas shopping season before you’re ready to stab every single person in the eye with that spork you ate your mashed potatoes and gravy with. But great news, heavyset woman shoving the oversized cinnamon roll into your mouth and pretending your little girl isn’t screaming and crying at the top of her lungs not three feet away from me: I left it at the Dairy Queen, in the plastic basket along with part of a steak finger and half a styrofoam cup of white gravy. Little Becky will escape my wrath, unscarred and ready for her Libby Lu makeover and photo shoot. Unscarred in the physical sense, that is; evidence that her own fat mother thought she wasn’t pretty enough at the age of six will probably do some emotional damage, but maybe in a few years it’ll give her therapist something to blame the anorexia and heroin addictio...
More About: Twinkle

i’m so happy! you’re so nice! kiss kiss kiss! fun fun l
2007-11-29 15:32:00
They say breaking up is hard to do, but I happen to have it on pretty high authority that it’s harder still to receive. Times two, even. That’s the word on the street, anyway. Hey! Want to know the best thing about this midlife crisis I’m going through? [note: short pause for your answer.] Well Internet, the best thing about this midlife crisis I’m going through is that it pretty much guarantees my liver is going to hold up another 32 years. For real. It’s in the language of the contract. So score one for the home team. But that’s just me, I suppose… you know, Mr. Sunshine, living in a world of kittens and lollipops and unicorns, always looking on the bright side of things. You could learn a thing or two.
More About: Kiss , Happy , Nice

the outdoorsman: a haiku
2007-11-26 21:05:00
sitting by the fire occasional whiffs of smoke turn your boogers black.
More About: Haiku

it’s the type of meal he can’t resist, when there&#
2007-11-21 21:37:00
I don’t know about you, but I’ve always found something about Thanksgiving to seem, I don’t know, a tad dirty and whorish. But maybe it’s just me. I don’t know. And listen, I understand that you’re very much into it and that you think it’s addictive and the wave of the future and the greatest thing since yummy pork cracklins and beer (the two great tastes that taste great together), but I’ve got to tell you, Internet: I really don’t think I get the whole Twitter thing. But I’m giving it a shot. For you. [note: it was either that or watch the video of those two girls eating shit, and that’s just fucking gross.] [note: i mean, why? why would you do that? and that it exists is bad enough, but you sick fucks actually seek it out and watch it? knowingly? really?] [note: so yeah. twitter it is.] Have a yam-tastic Turkeynecks Day, Internet.
More About: Type , Meal

understanding me and understanding you is not an easy thing to do
2007-11-16 21:40:00
Listen up, Internet. Being an advocate of civil liberties as I claim to be on my Myspace profile, I respect every individual’s right to look as stupid as he or she wishes and, hence, do not normally spread around unsolicited advice regarding personal fashion choices. Which isn’t to say I refrain from the pointing and laughing that goes along with your usual wardrobe selections, mind you, because I also respect my right to make fun of you. Like everyone else does. I’m going to break my own rule, though. I have to, just this once. Because doing so serves humanity’s best interests. To everyone who thinks it’s appropriate to wear denim shirts with blue jeans: Seriously? The denim of your jeans never matches the denim of your shirt, not really. And even if it did — say you bought the jeans and shirt as a matching set in whatever Wal-Mart store located in hell (or the South (redundant)) you usually buy your clothes at — is that really...
More About: Easy , Thing , Understanding

i’m beginning to think (though i’m open to sway) that,
2007-11-12 14:11:00
Day four of the conference and, as I sat waiting for the first session to start, cute, star-shaped tattoo girl walked up to my table, touched the chair next to mine, then looked towards her friend as if to say “let’s sit here.” My heart raced. What joy! What bliss! But her friend — her stupid fucking nazi cunt of a friend — said “no,” and they sat at the next table over. So close, and yet so god fucking damnit. It being the last day, I decided to take matters into my own hands and, between sessions one and two, knelt down in the back of the room ninjaesque© and waited for her to come back from potty break and choose a seat. I became the hunter, she my prey, and as soon as the opportunity presented itself, I pounced as a hyena might on a wildebeest, a cute wildebeest with a small, star-shaped tattoo on the back of its neck, almost completely (though not entirely) obscured from sight via combination of blouse collar and short yet f...
More About: Open

how many drugs does it take to get you out of my mind?
2007-11-07 20:25:00
Oh, come on, Internet; catheterizing the elderly? Old woman ass rubbing against your shoulder? Nothing? Fine. Whatever. Maybe it’s just me, but I find it nigh-impossible to see a morbidly obese person wearing a solid purple shirt without immediately thinking of: Violet Beauregard Grape Ape Barney or Grimace (thanks, honey) Although not necessarily in that order. In fact, I think of Grimace mostly now. Maybe it’s my Ronald McDonald ’do. Also: In slightly more than two full days here, I’ve already seen two (2) midgets scurrying about Cambridge, nibbling on stray bits of cheese and breadcrumbs, no doubt planning to regurgitate later into the mouths of their larvae. And I fear infestation. Come on, Boston; mix in some Raid now and then. Putting my phone on vibrate, slipping it into my pocket, then having people send me text messages all day long is a fun way to pass the time. I simply cannot look at a woman speaking into a handheld mic...
More About: Drugs , Mind

how i wonder what you are
2007-11-06 16:18:00
Traveling for work — spending hours upon hours in airports and airplanes and small, crowded, smoky, dimly-lit dive bars trolling for hookers — gives a man a lot of time to think, to ponder this crazy world we live in and, when inspiration presents itself, to devise methods for the betterment of all our lives. Well I’ve been traveling for work, Internet, and inspiration is running rampant. I propose that, from now on, we should force catheterization upon the elderly, for all flights — domestic and international — lasting longer than two hours. Because quite frankly, Internet, I am dead-set against Grandma Madge’s polyester-covered old woman ass rubbing against my shoulder over and over as she shuffles up and down the aisle nonstop, her 70-year-old bladder unable to hold that six ounces of complimentary ginger ale for longer than 20 minutes. Here are a few things I’ve discovered the past couple of days: The open display of ass crac...
More About: I Wonder

i feel alright, mama, i’m not joking
2007-11-04 16:46:00
I can’t take this anymore. You. I can’t take you anymore. So I’m leaving for Boston in a few hours, to drink my fill of Sam Adams and eat my fill of baked beans and to get as far away from you as I possibly can, Internet. They don’t get you in Boston, you know. That’s what I heard, at least. And if I’m lucky, I’ll meet a girl whose name starts with “t” and who likes to party. Can you even begin to imagine the jokes? What a time we’d have! What fun!
More About: Mama , Feel , Alright

dans cette vallée de larmes qu’est la vie, viens avec
2007-10-24 19:56:00
I’ve been neglecting you, Internet. I realize you visit my website on a regular basis, mainly looking for midget jokes but often with the sole intent of drinking from the well of my wisdom in hopes of gaining something — anything — that you might be able to take back and use to enrich your own sad and pathetic life which, were it not for my guidance, would otherwise be wasted away getting fat from the large volume of Doritos and Mountain Dew you’d consume for nourishment, fuel for the hours and hours you’d spend “living” in pretend online “worlds,” texting shorthand to the cutest avatar you can find even though deep down in your heart you know it’s really a dude. WTG HOMO! OMG LOL! Well gather ’round, kids; Uncle Jeremy shall be inattentive no more. Here’s a reason that should never be used as the deciding factor in getting married: China. Trust me on this one, Internet. Sure, in the weeks leading u...
More About: Armes

and i ain’t lyin’ there’s a big yellow sign o
2007-10-22 22:21:00
Escalator. I know how badly you wanted to go to the Holly Golightly and the Brokeoffs show with me last week and, while I really do wish things could have worked out differently, the truth is that I just knew you’d feel compelled to sing along, and I had absolutely no intention of paying $12 to hear your crap voice. So I didn’t invite you. Still, I filmed it for you. And every time Holly bent over to pick something up off the stage and her loosely-fitting dress treated the audience to some down-blouse action, I thought of you. Well, you and her tits. Her tits, mostly. There’s more on the YouTube.
More About: Yellow , Sign , Yello

i’ve got an eye for an empty heart
2007-10-19 02:52:00
One night, months ago, she told me I was being obtuse. I told her that I thought she was so fucking acute. But geometry was never her strong suit, and I’m afraid it went right over her head. I had been aiming for her heart, incidentally. But I suppose aim was never my strong suit. You should totally play me in pool. You’d clean up. Still, I thought it was funny.
More About: Heart , Empty

then she became a fly, a fly all in the air; and he became a spider, and f
2007-10-15 23:26:00
Honesty is the best policy. That’s what I heard while kicking it around the Union Square last week, anyways. Somewhere near the Westfield shopping center, I think. Maybe in front of the Gap, by the trolley turn-around where the homeless congregate and mingle with the tourists as if we enjoy smelling them. Honesty is the best policy. But you know what I think is an even better policy? No shoes, no shirt, no service. Mind you, it only really qualifies as the best policy if it can be selectively enforced. The ability to serve some that are topless while still requiring shirts for others is key and should not be overlooked. Otherwise, the whole thing doesn’t make as much sense. After no shoes, no shirt, no service, honesty might very well be the second-best policy, though. But now that I think about it, it’s probably best to selectively enforce honesty, too. So never mind.
More About: Spider , Then

the loveliness of paris seems somehow sadly gay
2007-10-09 16:04:00
So I went shopping this past weekend to pick up some supplies for my trip to the San Francisco on which I’ll be leaving shortly. Got some Febreze, in case I find myself too close to the hippies. Got some disinfectant spray, in case I find myself too close to the gays (the kind with the Aids, and not the kind that buy you new wardrobes and teach you how to cook and use facial cleanser). Got some condoms, in case I find myself really too close to either the hippies or the gays. I went to the Sam’s because, at least according to the Wiki, San Francisco has tons of the hippies and also the gays, and I needed to make sure I wouldn’t run out of such necessities lest I find myself dirty, smelly and all Aided up come week’s end. Can you even begin to imagine the embarrassment? If I came back with body odor and a case of the Aids? OMG LOL.
More About: Paris , Some

i can stand the pain of love (i could even stand some more)
2007-10-05 18:25:00
There are those who unabashedly consider me a stud (and by “those” I mean Cindy) and, while I appreciate and even encourage their sentiments, I’ve decided to come clean once and for all and admit that I am actually not a stud. Strong, rigid and supportive ain’t my bag. No, Internet, the fact is that, comparatively speaking, I am far closer to drywall, in that I tend to hang around studs hoping to obscure your vision of them. I feel it betters my chances with you if you don’t even know they’re back there. Also, I’m thin and pasty white. And I sometimes strategically apply tape to parts of me to look more, um, appealing. I’m going to San Francisco next week, incidentally, so if anyone wants to buy me beers and try to get lucky, let me know. I don’t tend to start losing my inhibitions until somewhere around the eighth or ninth pint, so you might want to stop by the ATM first.
More About: Love , Pain , Stand , Some

you’re the part of me i loathe the most, the demons at my door
2007-10-01 20:57:00
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and, unless I’m overlooking something obvious which ought guide me to the contrary, I really feel it would be in my best interest, should the time ever come for me to make a career change, that I consider becoming one of those people whose job it is to Photoshop out all the camel toe from photos of panties on the various packaging and advertising materials used to sell said panties. A Photoshopper of Panty Packaging and Advertising Camel Toe, as I believe they’re called. Truth be told, I don’t know if that’s the official or just the working title. It’ll take some creativity to fit it all on a business card, that’s for sure. I’m talking 9pt and sans-serif, bitches. Maybe even a soft return after “Packaging.” Who’s to say? And once I get my foot toe in the door (get it?), the plan would then be to set myself apart from the legions of other Photoshoppers of Panty Packa...
More About: Part , Door , Demons , Mons

you wanna hear you broke my heart, i wanna hear you’re gonna fini
2007-09-27 22:37:00
You’ve probably known this for years and years, and I sincerely hope you don’t think it wise to mock my until-recent ignorance on the matter because I assure you mocking me is the antithesis of wise and will not be tolerated, but I’ve just today discovered that a can of V8, when poured into a toilet, looks exactly like bloody diarrhea. Exactly like it. Which is such a coincidence, considering the bloody diarrhea taste is what prompted me to pour it into the toilet to begin with.
More About: Hear , Heart , Gonna

take my hand off to never neverland
2007-09-21 14:27:00
I’m right-handed so, where masturbation is concerned, I really can’t get in the type of groove necessary if I try and turn southpaw. Coincidentally, I also have the hardest time working the mouse and clicking on thumbnails with my left hand. So now you know my dilemma. And why I’m wound so fucking tightly all the time.
More About: Hand

watch what you say or they’ll be calling you a radical, a liberal
2007-09-17 21:02:00
Now you listen to me and you listen to me good, Internet: I think it’s past time you grew the fuck up and stopped being racist, and just let poor O.J. be. The guy has his ex-wife murdered, gets sued for millions of dollars because of it, and then he isn’t even allowed to write a book about how he would have killed her if he had except he didn’t so it’s a work of fiction. Some pretty tough times indeed, but have you ever found it in your tiny little racist heart to show him even one small ounce of compassion? Of course not. [note: ok, so maybe the “ex-wife getting murdered” thing isn’t the worst thing a guy can go through. work with me here.] But I know what this is all about. Jealousy. You’re jealous of him because you don’t even have your own memorabilia. And even if you did, no one would want to steal it so they could then sell it to people in creepy black-market deals from their hotel room. And doesn’t that just get und...
More About: Watch , Liberal , Calling , Radical

i watch the bus as it pulls out of view, someday like that bus i will be le
2007-09-11 23:56:00
I was watching that Last Comic show the other night and during Lavell Crawford’s set I noticed that, somewhere towards the back of the audience, some folks were holding up a sign that read “Lavell is Swell.” I saw this and immediately my laughter turned to teary-eyed rage. It both saddens and sickens me when I think about how the public school system is failing the youth of this country. How can we possibly expect this great land of ours to continue to thrive if we aren’t even teaching proper verb conjugation to our kids? Swollen. The sign should read “Lavell is Swollen.” And as I ponder such pronounced philistinism of proper past participle practice, I weep. For the children. For America.
More About: Watch , View , Pull , Some

he’s a demon on wheels
2007-09-06 21:16:00
A lot of you know this already either by way of firsthand experience or from your mother’s own loving recollection, but for the rest of everybody else, I’m going to come clean and admit I’m bad at sex. Really bad. 16 year-old and losing your virginity to that fat chick who only put out so maybe, just maybe you’ll hold her hand in front of people and take her to the prom so she doesn’t have to go with her cousin bad. Stamina. That’s my problem. I’m saying I’m fast. Lightening fast. It’s become my trademark, my calling card if you will. I’ve got orgasm on speed dial. And as much as I’ve championed the idea that it has more to do with my vast skill and experience in pleasing myself than it does with any sort of sexual ineptitude, I know that, five minutes from now, Cindy’s going to be pissed. I’ve even tried thinking about football as a means of prolonging the event, but it never seems to help. ...
More About: Demon , Wheels , Heels , Heel , Eels

we got what ya want, and you got the lust
2007-09-05 01:46:00
I don’t know if they had it on the television where you live, but here in Baton Rouge, there was this infomercial on all night Sunday and most of the day yesterday selling the retards. Nothing but the retards. In fact, seems like it comes on every year ’round this time. I didn’t watch a whole hell of a lot of it this year, though, because last year I called in to order a couple of them retard kids to help me get on the Home Makeover show, but I never received ’em. Even paid extra to get the really retarded ones (so Ty’d buy me a new SUV, too), but nothing. And I’m sorry but I don’t care how earth-shatteringly funny Louie Anderson is, that’s just bad business. So I watched Dr. Phil instead.
More About: Lust

extended weekend
2007-09-02 03:19:00
Happy Labor Day weekend. Happy beer.
More About: Weekend , Extended

i remember parties out in the park, with the girlies rubbing up in the dark
2007-08-29 00:27:00
So I think I might have the West Nile. I figure I caught it by way of mosquito, on account of me being so damned saccharine sweet the little buggars can’t resist sucking off a little bit of this right here. Plus, with my daily routine of outdoor naked squat thrusts at dusk and dawn, opportunity abounds. Before this morning, I totally believed I had the mono — the kissing disease — which I was sure I caught from you. I was mad at you at first, but then I reasoned that, out of everything I could have caught from you, mono wasn’t so bad. But then Whitey told me that you can’t drink when you’ve got the mono, so I changed my mind and wished you had given me the drip instead. Like your sister did. But I think I might have the West Nile instead, so never mind.
More About: Parties , Dark , Park , The Dark , The D

being sick: a haiku
2007-08-25 15:05:00
my whole body aches one hundred degree fever but hey, half day off.   Incidentally, it seems I need to point out that the photograph in the last post wasn’t doctored. That’s a real sign, at a real Wal-Mart. Photoshopping the word “lice” onto a sign isn’t funny; that Wal-Mart actually has a sign that reads “lice” is funny. See? See the difference? Next time you’re in doubt, please just ask.
More About: Haiku , Sick