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and i ain’t lyin’ there’s a big yellow sign o
2007-10-22 22:21:00
Escalator. I know how badly you wanted to go to the Holly Golightly and the Brokeoffs show with me last week and, while I really do wish things could have worked out differently, the truth is that I just knew you’d feel compelled to sing along, and I had absolutely no intention of paying $12 to hear your crap voice. So I didn’t invite you. Still, I filmed it for you. And every time Holly bent over to pick something up off the stage and her loosely-fitting dress treated the audience to some down-blouse action, I thought of you. Well, you and her tits. Her tits, mostly. There’s more on the YouTube.
More About: Yellow , Sign , Yello

i’ve got an eye for an empty heart
2007-10-19 02:52:00
One night, months ago, she told me I was being obtuse. I told her that I thought she was so fucking acute. But geometry was never her strong suit, and I’m afraid it went right over her head. I had been aiming for her heart, incidentally. But I suppose aim was never my strong suit. You should totally play me in pool. You’d clean up. Still, I thought it was funny.
More About: Heart , Empty

then she became a fly, a fly all in the air; and he became a spider, and f
2007-10-15 23:26:00
Honesty is the best policy. That’s what I heard while kicking it around the Union Square last week, anyways. Somewhere near the Westfield shopping center, I think. Maybe in front of the Gap, by the trolley turn-around where the homeless congregate and mingle with the tourists as if we enjoy smelling them. Honesty is the best policy. But you know what I think is an even better policy? No shoes, no shirt, no service. Mind you, it only really qualifies as the best policy if it can be selectively enforced. The ability to serve some that are topless while still requiring shirts for others is key and should not be overlooked. Otherwise, the whole thing doesn’t make as much sense. After no shoes, no shirt, no service, honesty might very well be the second-best policy, though. But now that I think about it, it’s probably best to selectively enforce honesty, too. So never mind.
More About: Spider , Then

the loveliness of paris seems somehow sadly gay
2007-10-09 16:04:00
So I went shopping this past weekend to pick up some supplies for my trip to the San Francisco on which I’ll be leaving shortly. Got some Febreze, in case I find myself too close to the hippies. Got some disinfectant spray, in case I find myself too close to the gays (the kind with the Aids, and not the kind that buy you new wardrobes and teach you how to cook and use facial cleanser). Got some condoms, in case I find myself really too close to either the hippies or the gays. I went to the Sam’s because, at least according to the Wiki, San Francisco has tons of the hippies and also the gays, and I needed to make sure I wouldn’t run out of such necessities lest I find myself dirty, smelly and all Aided up come week’s end. Can you even begin to imagine the embarrassment? If I came back with body odor and a case of the Aids? OMG LOL.
More About: Paris , Some

i can stand the pain of love (i could even stand some more)
2007-10-05 18:25:00
There are those who unabashedly consider me a stud (and by “those” I mean Cindy) and, while I appreciate and even encourage their sentiments, I’ve decided to come clean once and for all and admit that I am actually not a stud. Strong, rigid and supportive ain’t my bag. No, Internet, the fact is that, comparatively speaking, I am far closer to drywall, in that I tend to hang around studs hoping to obscure your vision of them. I feel it betters my chances with you if you don’t even know they’re back there. Also, I’m thin and pasty white. And I sometimes strategically apply tape to parts of me to look more, um, appealing. I’m going to San Francisco next week, incidentally, so if anyone wants to buy me beers and try to get lucky, let me know. I don’t tend to start losing my inhibitions until somewhere around the eighth or ninth pint, so you might want to stop by the ATM first.
More About: Love , Pain , Stand , Some

you’re the part of me i loathe the most, the demons at my door
2007-10-01 20:57:00
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately and, unless I’m overlooking something obvious which ought guide me to the contrary, I really feel it would be in my best interest, should the time ever come for me to make a career change, that I consider becoming one of those people whose job it is to Photoshop out all the camel toe from photos of panties on the various packaging and advertising materials used to sell said panties. A Photoshopper of Panty Packaging and Advertising Camel Toe, as I believe they’re called. Truth be told, I don’t know if that’s the official or just the working title. It’ll take some creativity to fit it all on a business card, that’s for sure. I’m talking 9pt and sans-serif, bitches. Maybe even a soft return after “Packaging.” Who’s to say? And once I get my foot toe in the door (get it?), the plan would then be to set myself apart from the legions of other Photoshoppers of Panty Packa...
More About: Part , Door , Demons , Mons

you wanna hear you broke my heart, i wanna hear you’re gonna fini
2007-09-27 22:37:00
You’ve probably known this for years and years, and I sincerely hope you don’t think it wise to mock my until-recent ignorance on the matter because I assure you mocking me is the antithesis of wise and will not be tolerated, but I’ve just today discovered that a can of V8, when poured into a toilet, looks exactly like bloody diarrhea. Exactly like it. Which is such a coincidence, considering the bloody diarrhea taste is what prompted me to pour it into the toilet to begin with.
More About: Hear , Heart , Gonna

take my hand off to never neverland
2007-09-21 14:27:00
I’m right-handed so, where masturbation is concerned, I really can’t get in the type of groove necessary if I try and turn southpaw. Coincidentally, I also have the hardest time working the mouse and clicking on thumbnails with my left hand. So now you know my dilemma. And why I’m wound so fucking tightly all the time.
More About: Hand

watch what you say or they’ll be calling you a radical, a liberal
2007-09-17 21:02:00
Now you listen to me and you listen to me good, Internet: I think it’s past time you grew the fuck up and stopped being racist, and just let poor O.J. be. The guy has his ex-wife murdered, gets sued for millions of dollars because of it, and then he isn’t even allowed to write a book about how he would have killed her if he had except he didn’t so it’s a work of fiction. Some pretty tough times indeed, but have you ever found it in your tiny little racist heart to show him even one small ounce of compassion? Of course not. [note: ok, so maybe the “ex-wife getting murdered” thing isn’t the worst thing a guy can go through. work with me here.] But I know what this is all about. Jealousy. You’re jealous of him because you don’t even have your own memorabilia. And even if you did, no one would want to steal it so they could then sell it to people in creepy black-market deals from their hotel room. And doesn’t that just get und...
More About: Watch , Liberal , Calling , Radical

i watch the bus as it pulls out of view, someday like that bus i will be le
2007-09-11 23:56:00
I was watching that Last Comic show the other night and during Lavell Crawford’s set I noticed that, somewhere towards the back of the audience, some folks were holding up a sign that read “Lavell is Swell.” I saw this and immediately my laughter turned to teary-eyed rage. It both saddens and sickens me when I think about how the public school system is failing the youth of this country. How can we possibly expect this great land of ours to continue to thrive if we aren’t even teaching proper verb conjugation to our kids? Swollen. The sign should read “Lavell is Swollen.” And as I ponder such pronounced philistinism of proper past participle practice, I weep. For the children. For America.
More About: Watch , View , Pull , Some

he’s a demon on wheels
2007-09-06 21:16:00
A lot of you know this already either by way of firsthand experience or from your mother’s own loving recollection, but for the rest of everybody else, I’m going to come clean and admit I’m bad at sex. Really bad. 16 year-old and losing your virginity to that fat chick who only put out so maybe, just maybe you’ll hold her hand in front of people and take her to the prom so she doesn’t have to go with her cousin bad. Stamina. That’s my problem. I’m saying I’m fast. Lightening fast. It’s become my trademark, my calling card if you will. I’ve got orgasm on speed dial. And as much as I’ve championed the idea that it has more to do with my vast skill and experience in pleasing myself than it does with any sort of sexual ineptitude, I know that, five minutes from now, Cindy’s going to be pissed. I’ve even tried thinking about football as a means of prolonging the event, but it never seems to help. ...
More About: Demon , Wheels , Heels , Heel , Eels

we got what ya want, and you got the lust
2007-09-05 01:46:00
I don’t know if they had it on the television where you live, but here in Baton Rouge, there was this infomercial on all night Sunday and most of the day yesterday selling the retards. Nothing but the retards. In fact, seems like it comes on every year ’round this time. I didn’t watch a whole hell of a lot of it this year, though, because last year I called in to order a couple of them retard kids to help me get on the Home Makeover show, but I never received ’em. Even paid extra to get the really retarded ones (so Ty’d buy me a new SUV, too), but nothing. And I’m sorry but I don’t care how earth-shatteringly funny Louie Anderson is, that’s just bad business. So I watched Dr. Phil instead.
More About: Lust

extended weekend
2007-09-02 03:19:00
Happy Labor Day weekend. Happy beer.
More About: Weekend , Extended

i remember parties out in the park, with the girlies rubbing up in the dark
2007-08-29 00:27:00
So I think I might have the West Nile. I figure I caught it by way of mosquito, on account of me being so damned saccharine sweet the little buggars can’t resist sucking off a little bit of this right here. Plus, with my daily routine of outdoor naked squat thrusts at dusk and dawn, opportunity abounds. Before this morning, I totally believed I had the mono — the kissing disease — which I was sure I caught from you. I was mad at you at first, but then I reasoned that, out of everything I could have caught from you, mono wasn’t so bad. But then Whitey told me that you can’t drink when you’ve got the mono, so I changed my mind and wished you had given me the drip instead. Like your sister did. But I think I might have the West Nile instead, so never mind.
More About: Parties , Dark , Park , The Dark , The D

being sick: a haiku
2007-08-25 15:05:00
my whole body aches one hundred degree fever but hey, half day off.   Incidentally, it seems I need to point out that the photograph in the last post wasn’t doctored. That’s a real sign, at a real Wal-Mart. Photoshopping the word “lice” onto a sign isn’t funny; that Wal-Mart actually has a sign that reads “lice” is funny. See? See the difference? Next time you’re in doubt, please just ask.
More About: Haiku , Sick

but you’re such a hunk, so full of spunk
2007-08-21 01:04:00
So this past weekend I was kicking it Wal-Mart style, stocking up on bottled water and Chunky soup (in case that hurricane makes a sharp northeast turn) when, at some point between the tampons and the pet food, I noticed a peculiar sign: I’m not sure what disturbs me more: that they actually sell this, or that they apparently sell enough to warrant a sign. Never mind that, from the look of things, I’d say 95% or so of Wal-Mart shoppers most likely already have plenty of their own. Probably. Oh, and if you’re so inclined, go out and pick up issue #25 of Powers, because Bendis printed my haiku. I didn’t win the contest, but that’s only because I didn’t offer him a hot, sweaty piece of this right here. Ah, if only I had it to do over…
More About: Full

hey hell, i pay the price
2007-08-18 01:34:00
Dear CBS, If you’re going to take a group of people and force them all to live in a house together each and every summer, cutting them off from the outside world with no one but their own miserable selves for company, all for the sake of some crappy reality television show, for god’s sake you should hire a decent exterminator. Maybe scatter some traps about the house, beneath the kitchen sink and the like. It’s the very least you could do.   Sincerely, jeremy   P.S. If you wanted to force that hot Jen girl to walk around in far skimpier clothing, it probably wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world either. Just saying…
More About: Price , Hell

but in the end no matter what you do, you will come shining through
2007-08-16 02:15:00
Revisionist history. That’s what they call it, this thing you’re doing. Picking and choosing bits and pieces to remember and forget in a concentrated but feeble attempt at making a better you, as if years of incompetency will turn magically into something more if you close your eyes and wish just… hard… enough. Learning from, not outright denying, past mistakes is a more proven way to develop yourself into something worth having, but I reckon you’ll figure that out soon enough. Along with everyone else. But whatever. Ça va. That’s what they say in France. Ça va. Or sometimes ça-to-the-va, if you’re in an urban area. Incidentally, “urban” still means “of, relating to, or located in a city” in France, probably due to the lack of black people. Damned dirty Algerians don’t count, you see. Or can’t. I forget. It’s one or the other, I think.
More About: Matter , Shining

can i have a bite of your ice cream?
2007-08-11 04:23:00
Dear city of Pittsburgh: You know how, on I-279 South right there downtown, you’ve got the street signs attached to the bottom of the road overhead? Yeah? Well you can’t fucking read them until you’re directly under them. If the right lane automatically exits, maybe you should consider, oh, I don’t know, putting a sign that says “right lane exit only” before the fucking exit when it’s too fucking late to change lanes.   And dear everyone who thinks the moving sidewalks are airport-equivalents to amusement park rides: God fucking damn fuckity ass shit fuck you.   And dear every adult woman who insists on traveling with a teddy bear like you’re a fucking three year old: It’s not cute; it’s sad. It’s sad, you’re fat, and you’re going to die alone.   And dear cute girl with the cleavage 10 or so people in front of me in the security screening line this morning: Hi there.   And dear...
More About: Ice Cream , Cream , Bite

can i have a bite of your ice cream?
2007-08-11 04:23:00
Dear city of Pittsburgh: You know how, on I-279 South right there downtown, you’ve got the street signs attached to the bottom of the road overhead? Yeah? Well you can’t fucking read them until you’re directly under them. If the right lane automatically exits, maybe you should consider, oh, I don’t know, putting a sign that says “right lane exit only” before the fucking exit when it’s too fucking late to change lanes.   And dear everyone who thinks the moving sidewalks are airport-equivalents to amusement park rides: God fucking damn fuckity ass shit fuck you.   And dear every adult woman who insists on traveling with a teddy bear like you’re a fucking three year old: It’s not cute; it’s sad. It’s sad, you’re fat, and you’re going to die alone.   And dear cute girl with the cleavage 10 or so people in front of me in the security screening line this morning: Hi there.   And dear...
More About: Ice Cream , Cream , Bite

my weekend: a haiku
2007-08-06 23:34:00
sitting by the pool old women in bathing suits wrinkly camel toes.
More About: Haiku , Weekend

cinquante millions de gens imparfaits, et moi, et moi, et moi…
2007-08-03 17:12:00
Natacha recently brought up the subject of having a kid again. At first I was totally onboard with the idea, because they way I figured, it would guarantee I’d get to have some sex. Turns out I was wrong about that because, as she was very quick to point out, it only really guaranteed she’d get to have some sex. So now I’m indifferent. I was going to take a laxative last night, but I didn’t because, constipation aside, I feel like already have enough shit to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Lightening the load may not be all that bad an idea. Quick show of hands: when you read the words “fish taco” in my last post, who else immediately thought of Cindy? Yeah, me too. I’ll be leaving for Biloxi in a bit. There’s a used car salesman convention going on that sounds like it’d be fun to crash. And by “fun” I mean “I don’t have a choice.” There is an open bar, though. There better be. Tonight is Haw...
More About: Millions , Parfait

it’s not real if you don’t feel it
2007-07-31 02:25:00
Natacha and I watched the Goonies this past weekend. She’d never seen it, and I hadn’t in probably 20 years, so I felt it my civic duty to buy the DVD (on the cheap) and let her experience the wonders of One-Eyed Willy, the “truffle shuffle,” young Joey Pants, and Corey Feldman in a Purple Rain t-shirt and Member’s Only jacket. [note: oh, and throw mama.] Yeah, so she didn’t like it. The movie may not be as good as I thought it was when I was ten, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking, but I don’t know… I think they’re still good enough for me. I could have done without all the close-ups of that retard, though. We were trying to eat supper while watching it, and Sloth slobbering all over that fat kid almost put me off my fish taco.
More About: Real , Feel It , Feel

it was electric, so frantically hectic
2007-07-27 03:23:00
My cat Joe caught a flying squirrel last night and brought it inside, still alive. I must say I was pretty excited, but it got loose, found the still-open door and escaped before I could ask it to watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat. And what a great anecdote that would have been… The main problem with consuming nine or ten pints of beer each and every night to drown your sorrows and forget your problems is, by mid-morning you’re sober again. And mid-morning, as luck would have it, is exactly when the problems that cause your drinking begin anew. Fuck you, Jesus, and your cruel sense of irony. But everything’s going to be all right. Why? That’s right: Because Nuno. Nu-fucking-no. Right? Right.
More About: Electric , Ally , Hectic

he has passed by giving his sign, left all the people feeling so fine
2007-07-22 01:42:00
All day I’ve been thinking that, if I were a wizard, I bet my sex life would be oh so much better than it is currently. Not only has command of one’s wand most likely a bullet point in year-one curriculum, but consider this: Vulvae imperio! That’s right. But ladies, don’t despair, because just when you think I’m only in it for myself: Phallus engorgio! I thought you might like that. And I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, but if you really wanted to show me you loved me: Anus alohomora! Aww, yeah…
More About: People , Left , Sign , Giving , The People

she smiled at him with her shiny bicuspid
2007-07-19 06:34:00
If I had it all to do over again, I think “dentist for retards” would be a lucrative field to pursue, on account of all retards having bad teeth. You ever noticed that? How all retards have bad teeth? [note: it’s funny because it’s true. right? right? right? right.] I figure you’d get a lot of repeat business, too, what with the retards not being handi-capable enough to brush and floss properly, no matter how much you coach them, or dangle plastic keys in front of them, or whatever the hell it is you’re supposed to do to get the retard’s attention. It’d take a strong stomach, certainly, but that’s why they’d pay you the big bucks. The big bucks.
More About: Shin , Shiny

i couldn’t afford chemo like i couldn’t afford a limo,
2007-07-17 02:34:00
Not on my fly. So I’m back from Seattle, since Thursday in fact. I had planned on updating the old website this weekend but, instead, I used the time to catch up on sleep. I don’t know what it is exactly, but every time I go to Seattle, I get the worst case of insomnia. Speaking of my trip… Memo to American Airlines, I hope you go under. I hope all your employees — those working at DFW a week ago Sunday, at least — lose their jobs, retirements and benefits, and then find out that every single one of their children has bone cancer, AIDS, and a cleft palate. And try as they might to scramble for new jobs with new HMOs, it won’t matter, because guess what: preexisting condition. Fuck nuts. I met and had drinks with a girl that looked exactly like Brooke Hogan. Well, Brooke Hogan after having been stung by a bee. Well, a lot of bees. And to Jane from Adobe: you’ll have my CV ASAP. OK? OK. TTFN.
More About: Limo , Chem

are you just so far away from me?
2007-07-08 01:33:00
Happy 777, internet. 13 months and a day ago, we celebrated the National Day of Slayer, and since I haven’t heard otherwise, I feel it’s my duty to go ahead and proclaim today officially the National Day of Danzig. And tonight, we’re gonna Lucifuge like it’s 1999. I bought a laptop the other day, one with the wireless internet card thing built in. I had every intention of buying a wireless router, too, because who doesn’t want to download porn right there in the kitchen? You know what I mean. But the thing is, I hooked the laptop up and, as it turns out, one of my neighbors must have one running already, because I can totally connect to it from my house. So now, not only am I no longer planning on buying my own router, I’m seriously considering canceling my internet subscription. As the saying goes, “why buy the cow when you can get the amateur teen exhibitionists on spring break for free?” I’m flying to Seattle tomorrow...

my pets with claws, they’re always kinda angry at me
2007-07-04 01:48:00
If I had a kid that turned out to be a retard, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to kill it like that wrestler that killed his retard kid did. I’m too sensitive and caring a human being for that kind of thing. No, I think that if I had a kid that turned out to be a retard, I’d try and rent it out to people who didn’t have retard kids, so they could get the Extreme Home Makeover people to build them new houses. This is after I got them Extreme Home Makeover people to build me a new house, mind you; I think I’ve earned it, what with the whole “not killing the retard” thing. They eat that sort of shit up. And no, internet, I’m not particularly concerned that them Extreme Home Makeover people would catch on after seeing the same retard week-after-week; it’s nigh-impossible to differentiate between retards as it is, and can you even imagine if you’re drunk? So yeah. That’s probably what I’d do. I shoul...
More About: Pets , Angry , Kinda , Always

vicki and emma, do what you like; mel c, take a hike
2007-06-30 01:35:00
Joy! Bliss! It’s as if Jesus used his almighty power of x-ray vision (and acute sense of smell) to peer deep inside my heart and soul, shed a tear at the love and sheer beauty that gloweth within me, and decided right then and there to answer my wildest prayers and to grant my fondest wishes, to give me what I want, what I really, really want. Spice up my life? And how! And you listen to me and you listen good, al qaedas: try as you might, but all the car bombs in the world will stop neither the girls nor their power. So slam your body down, if you insist; they’ll just wind it all around.
More About: Hike , Emma , Vick