my sudden turn at Blue mosque Sultan Ahmet in Istamy sudden turn at Blue mosque Sultan Ahmet in IstaAnd it was our second time coming to the place because we ask dad if this time we can visit the Blue mosque Sultan Ahmet in Istanbul. Articles
but you’re such a hunk, so full of spunk
2007-08-21 01:04:00 So this past weekend I was kicking it Wal-Mart style, stocking up on bottled water and Chunky soup (in case that hurricane makes a sharp northeast turn) when, at some point between the tampons and the pet food, I noticed a peculiar sign: I’m not sure what disturbs me more: that they actually sell this, or that they apparently sell enough to warrant a sign. Never mind that, from the look of things, I’d say 95% or so of Wal-Mart shoppers most likely already have plenty of their own. Probably. Oh, and if you’re so inclined, go out and pick up issue #25 of Powers, because Bendis printed my haiku. I didn’t win the contest, but that’s only because I didn’t offer him a hot, sweaty piece of this right here. Ah, if only I had it to do over… More About: Full
hey hell, i pay the price
2007-08-18 01:34:00 Dear CBS, If you’re going to take a group of people and force them all to live in a house together each and every summer, cutting them off from the outside world with no one but their own miserable selves for company, all for the sake of some crappy reality television show, for god’s sake you should hire a decent exterminator. Maybe scatter some traps about the house, beneath the kitchen sink and the like. It’s the very least you could do. Sincerely, jeremy P.S. If you wanted to force that hot Jen girl to walk around in far skimpier clothing, it probably wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world either. Just saying… More About: Price , Hell
but in the end no matter what you do, you will come shining through
2007-08-16 02:15:00 Revisionist history. That’s what they call it, this thing you’re doing. Picking and choosing bits and pieces to remember and forget in a concentrated but feeble attempt at making a better you, as if years of incompetency will turn magically into something more if you close your eyes and wish just… hard… enough. Learning from, not outright denying, past mistakes is a more proven way to develop yourself into something worth having, but I reckon you’ll figure that out soon enough. Along with everyone else. But whatever. Ça va. That’s what they say in France. Ça va. Or sometimes ça-to-the-va, if you’re in an urban area. Incidentally, “urban” still means “of, relating to, or located in a city” in France, probably due to the lack of black people. Damned dirty Algerians don’t count, you see. Or can’t. I forget. It’s one or the other, I think. More About: Matter , Shining
can i have a bite of your ice cream?
2007-08-11 04:23:00 Dear city of Pittsburgh: You know how, on I-279 South right there downtown, you’ve got the street signs attached to the bottom of the road overhead? Yeah? Well you can’t fucking read them until you’re directly under them. If the right lane automatically exits, maybe you should consider, oh, I don’t know, putting a sign that says “right lane exit only” before the fucking exit when it’s too fucking late to change lanes. And dear everyone who thinks the moving sidewalks are airport-equivalents to amusement park rides: God fucking damn fuckity ass shit fuck you. And dear every adult woman who insists on traveling with a teddy bear like you’re a fucking three year old: It’s not cute; it’s sad. It’s sad, you’re fat, and you’re going to die alone. And dear cute girl with the cleavage 10 or so people in front of me in the security screening line this morning: Hi there. And dear... More About: Ice Cream , Cream , Bite
can i have a bite of your ice cream?
2007-08-11 04:23:00 Dear city of Pittsburgh: You know how, on I-279 South right there downtown, you’ve got the street signs attached to the bottom of the road overhead? Yeah? Well you can’t fucking read them until you’re directly under them. If the right lane automatically exits, maybe you should consider, oh, I don’t know, putting a sign that says “right lane exit only” before the fucking exit when it’s too fucking late to change lanes. And dear everyone who thinks the moving sidewalks are airport-equivalents to amusement park rides: God fucking damn fuckity ass shit fuck you. And dear every adult woman who insists on traveling with a teddy bear like you’re a fucking three year old: It’s not cute; it’s sad. It’s sad, you’re fat, and you’re going to die alone. And dear cute girl with the cleavage 10 or so people in front of me in the security screening line this morning: Hi there. And dear... More About: Ice Cream , Cream , Bite
my weekend: a haiku
2007-08-06 23:34:00 sitting by the pool old women in bathing suits wrinkly camel toes. More About: Haiku , Weekend
cinquante millions de gens imparfaits, et moi, et moi, et moi…
2007-08-03 17:12:00 Natacha recently brought up the subject of having a kid again. At first I was totally onboard with the idea, because they way I figured, it would guarantee I’d get to have some sex. Turns out I was wrong about that because, as she was very quick to point out, it only really guaranteed she’d get to have some sex. So now I’m indifferent. I was going to take a laxative last night, but I didn’t because, constipation aside, I feel like already have enough shit to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Lightening the load may not be all that bad an idea. Quick show of hands: when you read the words “fish taco” in my last post, who else immediately thought of Cindy? Yeah, me too. I’ll be leaving for Biloxi in a bit. There’s a used car salesman convention going on that sounds like it’d be fun to crash. And by “fun” I mean “I don’t have a choice.” There is an open bar, though. There better be. Tonight is Haw... More About: Millions , Parfait
it’s not real if you don’t feel it
2007-07-31 02:25:00 Natacha and I watched the Goonies this past weekend. She’d never seen it, and I hadn’t in probably 20 years, so I felt it my civic duty to buy the DVD (on the cheap) and let her experience the wonders of One-Eyed Willy, the “truffle shuffle,” young Joey Pants, and Corey Feldman in a Purple Rain t-shirt and Member’s Only jacket. [note: oh, and throw mama.] Yeah, so she didn’t like it. The movie may not be as good as I thought it was when I was ten, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking, but I don’t know… I think they’re still good enough for me. I could have done without all the close-ups of that retard, though. We were trying to eat supper while watching it, and Sloth slobbering all over that fat kid almost put me off my fish taco. More About: Real , Feel It , Feel
it was electric, so frantically hectic
2007-07-27 03:23:00 My cat Joe caught a flying squirrel last night and brought it inside, still alive. I must say I was pretty excited, but it got loose, found the still-open door and escaped before I could ask it to watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat. And what a great anecdote that would have been… The main problem with consuming nine or ten pints of beer each and every night to drown your sorrows and forget your problems is, by mid-morning you’re sober again. And mid-morning, as luck would have it, is exactly when the problems that cause your drinking begin anew. Fuck you, Jesus, and your cruel sense of irony. But everything’s going to be all right. Why? That’s right: Because Nuno. Nu-fucking-no. Right? Right. More About: Electric , Ally , Hectic
he has passed by giving his sign, left all the people feeling so fine
2007-07-22 01:42:00 All day I’ve been thinking that, if I were a wizard, I bet my sex life would be oh so much better than it is currently. Not only has command of one’s wand most likely a bullet point in year-one curriculum, but consider this: Vulvae imperio! That’s right. But ladies, don’t despair, because just when you think I’m only in it for myself: Phallus engorgio! I thought you might like that. And I’m not trying to pressure you or anything, but if you really wanted to show me you loved me: Anus alohomora! Aww, yeah… More About: People , Left , Sign , Giving , The People
she smiled at him with her shiny bicuspid
2007-07-19 06:34:00 If I had it all to do over again, I think “dentist for retards” would be a lucrative field to pursue, on account of all retards having bad teeth. You ever noticed that? How all retards have bad teeth? [note: it’s funny because it’s true. right? right? right? right.] I figure you’d get a lot of repeat business, too, what with the retards not being handi-capable enough to brush and floss properly, no matter how much you coach them, or dangle plastic keys in front of them, or whatever the hell it is you’re supposed to do to get the retard’s attention. It’d take a strong stomach, certainly, but that’s why they’d pay you the big bucks. The big bucks. More About: Shin , Shiny
i couldn’t afford chemo like i couldn’t afford a limo,
2007-07-17 02:34:00 Not on my fly. So I’m back from Seattle, since Thursday in fact. I had planned on updating the old website this weekend but, instead, I used the time to catch up on sleep. I don’t know what it is exactly, but every time I go to Seattle, I get the worst case of insomnia. Speaking of my trip… Memo to American Airlines, I hope you go under. I hope all your employees — those working at DFW a week ago Sunday, at least — lose their jobs, retirements and benefits, and then find out that every single one of their children has bone cancer, AIDS, and a cleft palate. And try as they might to scramble for new jobs with new HMOs, it won’t matter, because guess what: preexisting condition. Fuck nuts. I met and had drinks with a girl that looked exactly like Brooke Hogan. Well, Brooke Hogan after having been stung by a bee. Well, a lot of bees. And to Jane from Adobe: you’ll have my CV ASAP. OK? OK. TTFN. More About: Limo , Chem
are you just so far away from me?
2007-07-08 01:33:00 Happy 777, internet. 13 months and a day ago, we celebrated the National Day of Slayer, and since I haven’t heard otherwise, I feel it’s my duty to go ahead and proclaim today officially the National Day of Danzig. And tonight, we’re gonna Lucifuge like it’s 1999. I bought a laptop the other day, one with the wireless internet card thing built in. I had every intention of buying a wireless router, too, because who doesn’t want to download porn right there in the kitchen? You know what I mean. But the thing is, I hooked the laptop up and, as it turns out, one of my neighbors must have one running already, because I can totally connect to it from my house. So now, not only am I no longer planning on buying my own router, I’m seriously considering canceling my internet subscription. As the saying goes, “why buy the cow when you can get the amateur teen exhibitionists on spring break for free?” I’m flying to Seattle tomorrow...
my pets with claws, they’re always kinda angry at me
2007-07-04 01:48:00 If I had a kid that turned out to be a retard, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to kill it like that wrestler that killed his retard kid did. I’m too sensitive and caring a human being for that kind of thing. No, I think that if I had a kid that turned out to be a retard, I’d try and rent it out to people who didn’t have retard kids, so they could get the Extreme Home Makeover people to build them new houses. This is after I got them Extreme Home Makeover people to build me a new house, mind you; I think I’ve earned it, what with the whole “not killing the retard” thing. They eat that sort of shit up. And no, internet, I’m not particularly concerned that them Extreme Home Makeover people would catch on after seeing the same retard week-after-week; it’s nigh-impossible to differentiate between retards as it is, and can you even imagine if you’re drunk? So yeah. That’s probably what I’d do. I shoul... More About: Pets , Angry , Kinda , Always
vicki and emma, do what you like; mel c, take a hike
2007-06-30 01:35:00 Joy! Bliss! It’s as if Jesus used his almighty power of x-ray vision (and acute sense of smell) to peer deep inside my heart and soul, shed a tear at the love and sheer beauty that gloweth within me, and decided right then and there to answer my wildest prayers and to grant my fondest wishes, to give me what I want, what I really, really want. Spice up my life? And how! And you listen to me and you listen good, al qaedas: try as you might, but all the car bombs in the world will stop neither the girls nor their power. So slam your body down, if you insist; they’ll just wind it all around. More About: Hike , Emma , Vick
lord i’m so tired, how long can this go on?
2007-06-27 01:47:00 I bought a Dyson this past weekend. The one for animal hair, because I’m a fucking beast. Rowr. Also, I shed. Prior to Saturday I had no clue how dirty a person I was, but apparently I’ve been living in complete filth for Jesus knows how long. I might as well have been living at the dump. Or in Mexico. Believe the hype; those things are impressive. And expensive, but that’s how I roll. If only they could get rid of shit stains from my hair, I’d probably be a lot happier in my day-to-day life. Smell better, too. More About: Lord , Long , So Tired , Tired , Tire
slide slide, slippity slide
2007-06-23 04:15:00 I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. Yeah, I’m sure it’s going to take her a while to adjust to the whole “not having feet” thing, but clearly the girl enjoyed going on the rides at amusement parks, right? And thanks to the accident, from now on she’ll get to skip all the lines. Sure, she might have difficulty making the height requirement, but that’s nothing a booster seat couldn’t fix. But that’s just me, I suppose… you know, Mr. Positive, living in a world of sunshine and bunny rabbits and rainbows, always looking on the bright side of things. You could learn a thing or two. More About: Slide , Pity , Lippi , Slip
your face will surely show it
2007-06-22 06:28:00 If you’re happy and you know it… keep it to yourself. No one gives a shit. Fuck you and your happy hand-clapping, foot-stomping ass. I hope you die. [note: shawn hirsch… check your email.] More About: Show , Face , Sure
i have only one burning desire
2007-06-19 02:30:00 Dear Annabelle Gurwitch, I remember thinking back when that whole “Dinner and a Movie” thing started that, damn, the hostess is kind of cute. And while I can’t with any trace of honesty say I watched a whole lot of the show, if I ever were to happen upon it while flipping through the channels, I’d pause for a minute or two because, damn, you were kind of cute. But then The ’Burbs would inevitably start up again, and I’d go back to channel surfing because it was way before the time of TiVo and on-screen guides, and the soft-core porn just wasn’t going to find itself. Years went by and, other than wondering if you were Elaine’s friend on that one episode of Seinfeld, I’m sorry to say I didn’t think of you too often. But then, as luck would have it, I came across Fired! (because Mondays are doc days) and, after watching the film and reminiscing about all the lurid yet heartfelt things I’d think or, at times, sa... More About: Burning , Burn
isn’t it nice, sugar and spice? luring disco dollies to a life o
2007-06-13 01:29:00 So they kicked that midget off the Hell’s Kitchen last night. Surprisingly, they didn’t give it the axe for the most obvious of reasons, that being the fear of the restaurant guests getting sick at the sight — thanks to the open-styled kitchen — of his tiny, sausage fingers touching their food. [note: think Stand By Me, only much classier.] And while it was inevitable that the Board of Health would eventually order his removal, forcing the show to comply with the various laws preventing livestock in the kitchen, that wasn’t the reason he got voted off the island, either. [note: kitchen? island? get it? never mind.] No, apparently the little guy just wasn’t a very good cook, which I suppose is plausible because, really, if the only foods you’re ever around on a day-to-day basis are nachos and funnel cakes and cotton candy, how tasty could your risotto possibly be? More About: Life , Sugar , Nice , Sugar and Spice , Disco
dear david chase,
2007-06-11 05:20:00 Go fuck yourself. Sincerely, jeremy More About: David , Chase , Davi , David Chase , Hase
so come on girls and sing along, ’cause nicki’s gonna r
2007-06-10 15:38:00 This is for you. I think you’ve earned it. Rock and roll, baby. More About: Girls , Sing , Along , Gonna
i love you, i love you with my heart and soul; if i had a doughnut, i&
2007-06-08 01:42:00 It’s not that I don’t support gay rights necessarily; it’s just that, based on my own experience, I find that they’re mostly liberals. [note: ba-dup, bup tssk.] More About: Love , Soul , Heart , I Love You , Doug
my head’s aching, my heart’s breaking, ’cause
2007-06-07 02:09:00 To the person who stole Natacha’s purse in New Orleans this weekend and, along with it, my iPod: Check out Fabienne Delsol. I know her music is probably a little mellower than you’re used to, but give her a listen; the cute French accent is infectious. If you don’t feel like scrolling all the way to the Fs in the “By Artist Name” menu, her songs are also on the “newstuff” playlist (right after Curlee Wurlee, April March, and Holly Golightly & the Brokeoffs). I bet you’ll like what you hear. Also, I hope your entire family dies of rectal cancer slowly and painfully, forcing you to live out the rest of your days alone and unloved. Ass. More About: Heart , Head , Breaking , Brea , Breakin
turn the other cheek, turn the other cheek; show the world how strong you a
2007-06-01 14:44:00 Memo to everyone who walks around wearing one of those Bluetooth earpieces all day long, even if you aren’t using your cell phone: You look fucking stupid. This isn’t Star Trek, and you aren’t Uhura. Just stop it. More About: World , Show , The World , Tron , Strong
i never understood a single word he said, but i helped him drink his wine
2007-05-29 23:13:00 It’s taken me countless hours of research, and more than a few late nights in the lab running experiments, but I think I’ve finally managed to crack the problem of vaginal warts. And what’s even more exciting is that, in doing so, I’ve discovered a surefire preventative solution: Don’t put frogs in your vagina. It sounds so simple in hindsight. More About: Wine , Drink , Word , Single , Said
i want to be the one to walk in the sun
2007-05-28 17:01:00 So I’ve been away again, Internet, not physically so much as mentally. You see, Jake Ryan and I have been practicing and practicing and practicing for our audition — the finals, no less — to be on Dance TV, because we’ve just got to win the prize money and save the recreation center. We’re BFFs, Jake and me. BFs. F. And I don’t care if that rich girl tries to get her daddy to use his money to rig the competition, because you know what’s better than getting mad, rich girl? That’s right; getting even. My BFF and I will take your car apart and reassemble it inside your dorm room so fast it’ll make you wish somebody put baby in a corner. If only there was a way to make the Colonel understand just how important this is to me. Maybe if he could see me dancing, and how happy I am doing the Pony. Like Bony Maronie. He’s pretty stern, my pop, but beneath that rough exterior lies a heart of pure butter. And now, the obligato... More About: Walk , The O
no man can deny them and all men satisfy them
2007-05-22 14:35:00 Sorry I haven’t been around all that much lately. I won’t go into too much detail but, since you asked, I’ve divided the better part of my time this past week between doing some freelance work, pondering my immediate future, and burning midgets with a magnifying glass in the back yard. [note: they smell of sulfur and bacon when they burst into flames, which can be both disgusting and, oddly enough, appetizing.] I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about women. You ladies sure are complex creatures, what with all your hidden meanings and doublespeak, and your premenstrual bitchiness, and your inability to open that new jar of pickles. But I still love you. Your eyes, your lips… I love softly caressing your hair as your head rests in my lap. I love softly caressing myself as I download naked pictures of you. I love women, big and small. But not too big. And certainly not midgets. Mathematically speaking: Midgets < Ideal Woman < Great Big F...
hey little tickle bee, tickle me won’t you please?
2007-05-15 02:00:00 So yesterday morning I’m watching some boxing I recorded the night before when I notice that TiVo apparently decided to continue recording for more than an hour after the match, saving that HBO whore show — you know, the one about the house of whores in Vegas with those two or three cute whores in it but, also, a whole lot of nasty whores with nasty fake tits — in its entirety. That’s why I got TiVo; because TiVo gets me. Not having anything else to watch on a Sunday morning, and not wanting TiVo to think I was ungrateful for the gift of soft-core porn, I decided to give it a watch. Big mistake. In the middle of the show when this hillbilly showed up to get himself a whore, and all the whores lined up to aid the hillbilly in making an informed choice, there, standing right amongst the regular (and plus) sized whores, was a midget. Now initially I didn’t think anything of it; I can’t imagine the whores keep a clean and tidy house, and t... More About: Lease , Ease , Litt , Tick
i eat meat and like it, too; if you don’t, well you ought to
More articles from this author:2007-05-11 01:30:00 Take heed, Internet: it’s not that I think I’m always right, but rather, more often than not you’re just wrong. And personally, I think that reflects more on you than it does me. And something else to sit and spin on: if you’re incapable of walking up or down stairs without spilling your soda, it’s probably because you’re too fat. Seriously Internet, take a quick look in the mirror and, even if you won’t admit it out loud, deep down I think you’re agree that the bottom of my shoes should really be sticky right now from Slim-Fast, and not R.C. Right? Right. So go ahead and type your response, and then delete all the characters you accidentally typed because your fingers are too fat. That’s why that [← Backspace] button is larger than the others, after all; for you and your fat, greasy fingers. More About: Meat , Like , Well 1, 2, 3, 4 |
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