my sudden turn at Blue mosque Sultan Ahmet in Ista

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lord i’m so tired, how long can this go on?
2007-06-27 01:47:00
I bought a Dyson this past weekend. The one for animal hair, because I’m a fucking beast. Rowr. Also, I shed. Prior to Saturday I had no clue how dirty a person I was, but apparently I’ve been living in complete filth for Jesus knows how long. I might as well have been living at the dump. Or in Mexico. Believe the hype; those things are impressive. And expensive, but that’s how I roll. If only they could get rid of shit stains from my hair, I’d probably be a lot happier in my day-to-day life. Smell better, too.
More About: Lord , Long , So Tired , Tired , Tire

slide slide, slippity slide
2007-06-23 04:15:00
I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. Yeah, I’m sure it’s going to take her a while to adjust to the whole “not having feet” thing, but clearly the girl enjoyed going on the rides at amusement parks, right? And thanks to the accident, from now on she’ll get to skip all the lines. Sure, she might have difficulty making the height requirement, but that’s nothing a booster seat couldn’t fix. But that’s just me, I suppose… you know, Mr. Positive, living in a world of sunshine and bunny rabbits and rainbows, always looking on the bright side of things. You could learn a thing or two.
More About: Slide , Pity , Lippi , Slip

your face will surely show it
2007-06-22 06:28:00
If you’re happy and you know it… keep it to yourself. No one gives a shit. Fuck you and your happy hand-clapping, foot-stomping ass. I hope you die. [note: shawn hirsch… check your email.]
More About: Show , Face , Sure

i have only one burning desire
2007-06-19 02:30:00
Dear Annabelle Gurwitch, I remember thinking back when that whole “Dinner and a Movie” thing started that, damn, the hostess is kind of cute. And while I can’t with any trace of honesty say I watched a whole lot of the show, if I ever were to happen upon it while flipping through the channels, I’d pause for a minute or two because, damn, you were kind of cute. But then The ’Burbs would inevitably start up again, and I’d go back to channel surfing because it was way before the time of TiVo and on-screen guides, and the soft-core porn just wasn’t going to find itself. Years went by and, other than wondering if you were Elaine’s friend on that one episode of Seinfeld, I’m sorry to say I didn’t think of you too often. But then, as luck would have it, I came across Fired! (because Mondays are doc days) and, after watching the film and reminiscing about all the lurid yet heartfelt things I’d think or, at times, sa...
More About: Burning , Burn

isn’t it nice, sugar and spice? luring disco dollies to a life o
2007-06-13 01:29:00
So they kicked that midget off the Hell’s Kitchen last night. Surprisingly, they didn’t give it the axe for the most obvious of reasons, that being the fear of the restaurant guests getting sick at the sight — thanks to the open-styled kitchen — of his tiny, sausage fingers touching their food. [note: think Stand By Me, only much classier.] And while it was inevitable that the Board of Health would eventually order his removal, forcing the show to comply with the various laws preventing livestock in the kitchen, that wasn’t the reason he got voted off the island, either. [note: kitchen? island? get it? never mind.] No, apparently the little guy just wasn’t a very good cook, which I suppose is plausible because, really, if the only foods you’re ever around on a day-to-day basis are nachos and funnel cakes and cotton candy, how tasty could your risotto possibly be?
More About: Life , Sugar , Nice , Sugar and Spice , Disco

dear david chase,
2007-06-11 05:20:00
Go fuck yourself. Sincerely, jeremy
More About: David , Chase , Davi , David Chase , Hase

so come on girls and sing along, ’cause nicki’s gonna r
2007-06-10 15:38:00
This is for you. I think you’ve earned it. Rock and roll, baby.
More About: Girls , Sing , Along , Gonna

i love you, i love you with my heart and soul; if i had a doughnut, i&
2007-06-08 01:42:00
It’s not that I don’t support gay rights necessarily; it’s just that, based on my own experience, I find that they’re mostly liberals. [note: ba-dup, bup tssk.]
More About: Love , Soul , Heart , I Love You , Doug

my head’s aching, my heart’s breaking, ’cause
2007-06-07 02:09:00
To the person who stole Natacha’s purse in New Orleans this weekend and, along with it, my iPod: Check out Fabienne Delsol. I know her music is probably a little mellower than you’re used to, but give her a listen; the cute French accent is infectious. If you don’t feel like scrolling all the way to the Fs in the “By Artist Name” menu, her songs are also on the “newstuff” playlist (right after Curlee Wurlee, April March, and Holly Golightly & the Brokeoffs). I bet you’ll like what you hear. Also, I hope your entire family dies of rectal cancer slowly and painfully, forcing you to live out the rest of your days alone and unloved. Ass.
More About: Heart , Head , Breaking , Brea , Breakin

turn the other cheek, turn the other cheek; show the world how strong you a
2007-06-01 14:44:00
Memo to everyone who walks around wearing one of those Bluetooth earpieces all day long, even if you aren’t using your cell phone: You look fucking stupid. This isn’t Star Trek, and you aren’t Uhura. Just stop it.
More About: World , Show , The World , Tron , Strong

i never understood a single word he said, but i helped him drink his wine
2007-05-29 23:13:00
It’s taken me countless hours of research, and more than a few late nights in the lab running experiments, but I think I’ve finally managed to crack the problem of vaginal warts. And what’s even more exciting is that, in doing so, I’ve discovered a surefire preventative solution: Don’t put frogs in your vagina. It sounds so simple in hindsight.
More About: Wine , Drink , Word , Single , Said

i want to be the one to walk in the sun
2007-05-28 17:01:00
So I’ve been away again, Internet, not physically so much as mentally. You see, Jake Ryan and I have been practicing and practicing and practicing for our audition — the finals, no less — to be on Dance TV, because we’ve just got to win the prize money and save the recreation center. We’re BFFs, Jake and me. BFs. F. And I don’t care if that rich girl tries to get her daddy to use his money to rig the competition, because you know what’s better than getting mad, rich girl? That’s right; getting even. My BFF and I will take your car apart and reassemble it inside your dorm room so fast it’ll make you wish somebody put baby in a corner. If only there was a way to make the Colonel understand just how important this is to me. Maybe if he could see me dancing, and how happy I am doing the Pony. Like Bony Maronie. He’s pretty stern, my pop, but beneath that rough exterior lies a heart of pure butter. And now, the obligato...
More About: Walk , The O

no man can deny them and all men satisfy them
2007-05-22 14:35:00
Sorry I haven’t been around all that much lately. I won’t go into too much detail but, since you asked, I’ve divided the better part of my time this past week between doing some freelance work, pondering my immediate future, and burning midgets with a magnifying glass in the back yard. [note: they smell of sulfur and bacon when they burst into flames, which can be both disgusting and, oddly enough, appetizing.] I’ve also spent a lot of time thinking about women. You ladies sure are complex creatures, what with all your hidden meanings and doublespeak, and your premenstrual bitchiness, and your inability to open that new jar of pickles. But I still love you. Your eyes, your lips… I love softly caressing your hair as your head rests in my lap. I love softly caressing myself as I download naked pictures of you. I love women, big and small. But not too big. And certainly not midgets. Mathematically speaking: Midgets < Ideal Woman < Great Big F...

hey little tickle bee, tickle me won&rsquo;t you please?
2007-05-15 02:00:00
So yesterday morning I’m watching some boxing I recorded the night before when I notice that TiVo apparently decided to continue recording for more than an hour after the match, saving that HBO whore show — you know, the one about the house of whores in Vegas with those two or three cute whores in it but, also, a whole lot of nasty whores with nasty fake tits — in its entirety. That’s why I got TiVo; because TiVo gets me. Not having anything else to watch on a Sunday morning, and not wanting TiVo to think I was ungrateful for the gift of soft-core porn, I decided to give it a watch. Big mistake. In the middle of the show when this hillbilly showed up to get himself a whore, and all the whores lined up to aid the hillbilly in making an informed choice, there, standing right amongst the regular (and plus) sized whores, was a midget. Now initially I didn’t think anything of it; I can’t imagine the whores keep a clean and tidy house, and t...
More About: Lease , Ease , Litt , Tick

i eat meat and like it, too; if you don&rsquo;t, well you ought to
2007-05-11 01:30:00
Take heed, Internet: it’s not that I think I’m always right, but rather, more often than not you’re just wrong. And personally, I think that reflects more on you than it does me. And something else to sit and spin on: if you’re incapable of walking up or down stairs without spilling your soda, it’s probably because you’re too fat. Seriously Internet, take a quick look in the mirror and, even if you won’t admit it out loud, deep down I think you’re agree that the bottom of my shoes should really be sticky right now from Slim-Fast, and not R.C. Right? Right. So go ahead and type your response, and then delete all the characters you accidentally typed because your fingers are too fat. That’s why that [← Backspace] button is larger than the others, after all; for you and your fat, greasy fingers.
More About: Meat , Like , Well

if he&rsquo;s the big boss, you&rsquo;re the hot sauce
2007-05-08 01:45:00
Happy Siete De Mayo, gringos, which you’ll no doubt be surprised to learn that the Mexicans don’t really celebrate either. I know this because I’m part Mexican. At least, I thought I was at one time. But then I took a shower. Turns out it was just dirt. ¡Oh mi dios, risa en alta voz!
More About: Big Boss , Boss , Sauce , Big B , The Big Boss