A Creature From This World

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Rain and rain
2007-12-24 02:01:00
Today it has been raining cats and dogs from heaven, so not too much beachlife today....I have spent most of my time with the two nudists, who has adopted me as their daugther by the way ;), even though the husband keeps hitting on me all the time which is kind of annoying.Tomorrow I am heading up to Panama City again. I have met so many nice people during my few days here and I am going to stay the womans (who I met on my way to Panama) friends house and spend christmas with them. Then the two nudists are heading the same way as I am on the 26th and they have offered me a ride and also a bed to sleep for a couple of nights in at the husbands brothers house. Might take up on that offer.It is going to be interesting to see what christmas brings this year. The woman from the plane told me that they eat ham also here in Panama, but instead of covering it with mustard they cover it with brown sugar and pineapples.....interesting :)
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Contadora
2007-12-22 02:34:00
Today I have gotten a bit sunburnt. I have spent the whole day on a nudist beach (called the sweedes beach) with a nudist couple from Texas, who are around 50 years old (yes I know, most of the people I have met are around that age) I was not brave enough to get naked but they were and we had some nice talks on the beach. :)Contadora is a beautiful island, but not very developed.When I landeed on the island in the small propellerplane we came in, I felt like I was getting into the TV show Lost, I seriously suspect is has been filmed womewhere around here because is look so similar. There are no cars on the island, so you move around in a golfcart, or walking. Today it has been probably around 35 degrees warm so I can tell you it was VERY hot to walk to and from the beach.

Cloudy Panama City
2007-12-20 19:58:00
The weather has not been that great today, but I still did get to make a nice walk to causeaway. It was nice to get out of the city and just be more in the nature and closer to the ocean. I chatted for a short while with a finnish woman who was 65-70 years old and she was going to travel around in central and south america for half a year on her own! I did not have time to talk with her enough to hear her story and where she had found the courage to that at her age, but I have to say I do admire her.Today I am going to Contadora, and at least I will have a place to sleep in tonight. Hopefully also a couple of more nights, but that is a bit uncertain as everything seems to be very full now before christmas, but it will work itself out....hopefully ;)
More About: Panama , Cloudy , City , Panama City

Almost on my way...
2007-12-17 22:54:00
Can´t belive it....I am actually set to go...or almost, have some small things still to pack, and need to do the dishes and so on, but I am on my way!I discovered that there was no need for a transit visa, so I did not need to worry, I could probably even stay at a hotel over night near the airport, but I am not sure if I find it worth it to pay 1000 kr just for sleeping a few hours....but we´ll see.I don´t think that I have quite understood yet that I am actually going to Panama, but maybe I´ll understand it once I am there when it is so hot that I can´t wear jeans ;)Anyway, one season of Heroes can be found on my IPOD, I have snacks, books and a pillow with me, so I will be fine :)

Hard to understand...
2007-12-17 09:24:00
Nothing said, so that nothing that can be held against me, but....sometimes people make it really hard to even like them.....
More About: Hard , Understand

sweet dreams...
2007-12-16 13:38:00
Sweet dreams are made of this Who am I to disagree? Travel the world and the seven seas Everybody's looking for something Some of them want to use you Some of them want to get used by you Some of them want to abuse you Some of them want to be abused
More About: Dreams , Sweet , Sweet Dreams

No transit visa
2007-12-14 16:00:00
F*?CK!! I am panicking again. One of my colleeges told me that he had a transfer flight in the US and his wife had an old passport, and they had problems getting trough.I don´t have a transit visa, and I would not need to have one if I would have one of those new passports, but I have an old one, and I am not sure what the policy is with an old passport. I have been calling around all day and looking up info on the net, and I am getting mixed messages. The american embassy has not been open today, and they are the only ones who can give a definite answer.A transit visa should apperantly be issued immediately, so if I need one, I can hopefully get one on monday.Damn it! I am nervous about not being able to travel to Panama at all..... :/
More About: Visa , Transit

Living
2007-12-10 21:49:00
The sun has fallen and I’ve become The lonely one The moon is dancing among the clouds And my knees are shaking, And my dreams are breaking But I know I live But I know I live, today
More About: Living

Trip Planning
2007-12-09 11:28:00
I booked my trip to Panama about a month ago. It was´nt until a few days ago that I really took a good look at my booking. I have been so disconnected to the world that I have´nt really been aware of anything....anyway, I got a small unpleasent suprise when looking at my flights, I have to wait at JFK (New York) for 12 HOURS!!! and as if that would not be bad enough, I will be there in the middle of the night!! Sigh....I booked a hotel near the airport, but then realized that because I dont have a transit visa to US or anything I probably wont be able to leave the airport during theese 12 hours....oh well, I need to call the american embassy tomorrow and see what the conditions are, but most likely I will be stuck in the airport for 12 hours and having to sleep on the floor in some corner. But this will be ok, it is not like it would be the first time I am doing it.Then my colleeges also gave me a big scare about my passport. The passport has to be valid for six months after trave...
More About: Planning , Trip

pain and pain and pain...
2007-12-08 13:01:00
I have not written here so much lately, it is beacuse I have been feeling so sad for loosing the person who has been so close to me for such a long time, and it is the only thing I can think about. It is a very painful loss, and it is very hard to accept.There has been so much sadness in my life theese last few months and it has been hard to handle, it has been all about keeping my head above the surface to avoid drowning. I really miss him...but nothing can change the situation as it is.DispairI hate the fact that I am alone again and that I don´t belong anywhere.I hate that I can´t hug him and cuddle him whenever I want.I hate that I can´t talk with him every day.I hate that I lost my closest friend.I hate that life has to be so unfair.I hate that all our common memories are just painful at the moment.I hate that everything is painful at the moment.I hate that I think about him all the time.I hate that love has to hurt so much.
More About: Pain

Sometimes people come into your life..
2007-12-03 22:43:00
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be - a roommate, a neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a complete stranger - but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way. Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly pave...
More About: Life , People

This is where I am going
2007-11-27 19:21:00
Yep, this is where I am going in three weeks. Just took my vaccination and now I am just looking forward to almost three weeks of snorkling, islandhopping, swimming and relaxing....time to pamper myself...Panama, here I come!

not right
2007-11-27 15:08:00
He started looking for other women on the internet before he had even picked up his stuff from my place, before we had even offically broken up (his excuse was that he was lonely, and just wanted to meet new people). During this time he also told me that I should not worry, he was not going to look for anybody else, which proved to be a lie.Whatever the reason for him looking up other women was, it still hurts....

beautiful song
2007-11-26 23:12:00
I just find this song so beautiful...and I also find it interesting how the person who has mixed this video has been able to transform the good feeling childrens movie Shrek to such a depressive movie....I guess it is all a matter how you see things.........
More About: Song , Beautiful

loosing weight
2007-11-26 19:42:00
I have lost three kilos in three weeks...not because I am on a diet, but beacuse my apetite is not very good and I have been excersising quite a lot to feel better....Well, at least my tummy is gone...
More About: Weight

distance and love
2007-11-23 21:01:00
So...why are not me and my bf no longer together, even though we still love eachother? I guess that is just the reason, we love eachother, but as things are right now we are hurting eachother more than making eachother happy by being together.I guess this is a very "grown up" decision to make, and if we ever are going to have a chance to walk down the same road again, this is also how it has to be, but still.....it is SO hard to stand by this decision, it is SO hard to understand this decision sometimes, and SO many times I feel like I am forcing myself to something I don´t want to do.He is depressed, he has a temperament, but more than anything, he is a very kind person that is trying his best. I hope that this will help us both to feel calmer in ourselves and that this can make both of us stronger. I hope that this is the right decision for both of us....Sometimes you love the other person so much that you need to hold a distance. The best thing we both can do right now is help o...
More About: Love

Fear of loosing you
2007-11-21 09:15:00
I did not sleep very well last night, I felt a lot of anxiety and fear. I am afraid that person I still love will not want to live anymore. I don´t know how I could live with that, if he would make that decision....I know it is not my responsibility to take, but I still do....Why does life have to be so unfair to some people, so that they even loose their will to live? It makes me so sad...
More About: Fear

Heartache
2007-11-20 14:59:00
I woke up in the middle of the night last night from feeling pain in my heart.I did´nt help how I moved and what position I tried to lie in, I still felt a physical pain in my heart.Scary and unpleasent....

life and love is strange
2007-11-19 20:56:00
I called my dad today again and I felt good. Maybe it is time to put the past behind? Another call tomorrow.I also had a conversation with the person I love and "whos shoes are no longer by my door". We both love eachother, but as things are right now we need to focus on ourselves. Life and love is strange, how do you know how to handle it? How do you know what choices to make? How do you know what is right?Maybe we can walk the same road again one of theese days, but right now we need to walk our own path and find the road that leads us to the place we need to be. Life is strange....
More About: Love , Strange , Tran

forgivness
2007-11-18 21:43:00
I just found out that my dad is in hospital, he has a problem with his back and he is at the moment getting alot of painkillers and can´t really move.I called him and he actually talked to me like he would to a friend, I don´t know if it was the painkillers or the boredom that got him to talk, but it felt really good. He talked to me about he was feeling, how the painkillers made him think that a dirtspot on the sheet was moving and how his wife needs to go for a heart examination next week.Before I called, I wasn´t even sure if I wanted to call, as I felt a bit of the old bitterness towards him for not coming to visit me in the hospital when I had my second brainsurgery, but after talking with him I decided to forgive him for that. Now I am just happy that he talked to me and told me things about how he felt.I am going to call him tomorrow again, and maybe I need to examine myself and some old unhealthy, unresolved feelings also... and maybe this could be a chance for us to im...

He picked up his stuff
2007-11-17 12:07:00
He came and picked up his stuff from my place today and we exchanged keys.We told eachother that we love eachother and we hugged eachother. while the tears were flowing down my cheeks.I have been cyring so much that I can hardly see.The pain is so great that I feel like puking and like I cant breath.Love hurts and it tears me apart
More About: Stuff

pain
2007-11-16 19:26:00
I have always thought that my childhood had to have a meaning. There is a reason for why I have been through what I have been through and that is that I will be able to help other people in distress. I can be stronger, stand more and do more than other people.I have thought that the meaning with what I have been through is that I am supposed to help somebody else out of their misery, that I can lead them back and I can save a life.There has to be a meaning to what I have been trough.But if I don´t have theese powers, what am I then? And then that means I was just unlucky to experience the things that I did in my childhood, then there was no meaning with it. Then it was just meaningless pain that has not made me stronger just weaker.I don´t know if I can accept that I cant help the person I love. I want to give him life, I want to give him happiness, and a healthy life. I want to take away his anxiety, I want to change his life to a life he deserves to have. What if I cant do that?...
More About: Pain

Loving yourself...?
2007-11-15 20:19:00
I have had an urge to write a post, and I don´t know why... Maybe it is because I have so many thoughts, memories and feelings flying around in my head.I have been thinking about the last year and a half and the person who has been closest to me. There is a lot of feelings of love surrounding that person...I have been thinking about my work, and how you have to be really good with people in order to succeed. How everybody can´t like you but you still need to find a way to get along with everybody.I have been thinking about life and how I am growing and changing all the time. How I am getting closer and closer to the serenity I want to feel in my life, and how much I affect my own feelings.I have been thinking about acceptance and what acceptance brings into you life. Acceptance is not the same as surrendering and I think that is not always so easy to understand.I can´t really explain in words what I feel right now. But I will add a song from my past. This song is not linked to an...
More About: Loving

Questions and funerals
2007-11-14 22:56:00
Do you ever imagine your own funeral?I am not asking because I am suicidal or want to die or anything, I am just asking because sometimes I imagine my own funeral. I wonder who would be there, I wonder if people would really be sad and I wonder how fast people would forget me?Sometimes I also imagine a bad accident and I wonder who would come and visit me to the hospital, who would be the first one I would call and who would really worry about me?I guess all of theese thoughts are about uncertanty of my meaning in mine and other peoples life. Do I put my permanent print on the people I meet or am I just like water on your body, you feel it when it is there, but when it is dry it is forgotten and untraceable?Am I?constantly moving and fastly disappearing as waterorhard, stable and cold like a stoneorhot and destructive as fireornever ending and forever exsisting like the everchanging skyorlight and invisible but neccessary for living, like airoreverything and nothing of the above...?...
More About: Questions , Funeral

wrongly programmed
2007-11-12 18:54:00
I am definetly wrongly programmed...I have been thinking about my list below during the day and I started thinking how bad the list was, and I started thinking about how people who read the list would think I am silly for thinking that those things were good. In my opinion, the things that are on the list are selfevident, and why would I do things in any other way than I have written? I can´t see theese characteritics as good sides in me because in my opinion there is no option, and if there isn´t a option, then it can´t be good or bad either, then it is just neutral.So, what do I then find as good characteristics in other people? Pretty much the same things as I have listed below. But when I think about myself, I ALWAYS think about how I can improve. How can my "neutral characteristics" become more positive? How can I remove the bad sides? I feel that my bad sides are twenty times bigger than the "neutral" characteristics, and I imagine that they put a shadow on me, and nobody c...
More About: Programmed

Good sides
2007-11-11 13:54:00
I beat on myself alot. I tell myself why I am no good. I take responsibility for things that are not my responsibility. I always think about how I can improve myself some more. I always think that my partner is better than me. Why?I am a considerate person who always think about other people.I know there are two in a relationship, I am not the only one to blame.I know I am not perfect and I am willing to work on myselfI am a good cookI follow my own way instead of the societysI can enjoy my own companyIf I make a mistake, I take the responsibility and try to make sure I won´t do it againI am quite generous if I can beI know that the free things in life are the things that are most preciousI am adventerous and braveI am quite intelligentI am honest to myself and othersI am openminded and try to accept all people as they areMy intentions are always good, I never(I can get irritated and then have som negative thoughts) think in a mean and evil waySo there...I am also allowed to say go...
More About: Sides , Good

My role
2007-11-10 10:26:00
I have a role, as a guilt tripper. This is the role I learned in my childhood.When I was a kid my mum never wanted me to be independent and she did not allow me to have a identety of my own. In order to keep me dependent on her, she made sure I would identify with her the same way as she identified her self trough me, or more accurately, lived trough me. She was very good at making me feel guilty, guilty for not being there enough, guilty for not loving her enough, guilty for not being open enough, guilty for not talking enough with her and so on.As I did not have a strong identity, theese guilt trips became my identity, and as I did not learn how to be independent, I did not see that we were two people in the relationship between me and my mum, I just saw one and that was a weird symbiosis of me and my mum, we became one. I did not realize that it was a sick symbiosis we lived in, me and her. I thought that I was spared from all her troubles, and that I was a wall that could stand ...
More About: Role

Tripple soulsearching
2007-11-09 21:59:00
What an exhausting evening this has been...talk about soulsearching...First, I went to see my therapist, and we talked quite a lot about how my past is affecting my present, and how I have adapted thought patterns that are destructive for me. It was hard and I don´t know how I am going to change myself...Then I went to a Al-Anon meeting, there I feel I can learn about acceptance, and that I am not alone in the world. There are other people who have grown up with alcoholics and they have adapted much of the same behaviours as I have.When I came home I talked to a very good friend of mine, who also grew up with an acloholic parent and more tears streamed down my cheeks.Now I just feel alone and empty. I feel lost in myself, but still I know I need to go trough this to know where I stand. I think about my bf all the time, we have not had contact at all now for three days I think, it is difficult and weird and it is constantly making me sad.....but day by day...that is how I live right...
More About: Ripple

Jokela shooting
2007-11-08 22:02:00
For the eight people that died in the terrible massacre in Jokela.Can´t belive that this has happend in my homecountry...
More About: Shooting , Shoot

I feel
2007-11-08 17:54:00
I feel the tears behind my eyes, but they are not runningI feel that pain in my chest, and it is not disappearingI feel the coldness in my stomach, and it is making me feel sickI feel the sadness in my head, and it is bringing me downI feel everything I don´t want to feel.
More About: Feel