A Creature From This World

RSS Feed Homepage

Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4

helpless
2007-11-07 21:31:00
I have no power, no power whatsoever on another persons life. I hardly have power over my own life. As I know this, why is then so hard to stand by a persons side who cannot see anything good in his life? Why do I still wish that I would have powers that I don´t have? Why do I find it so unfair that I cannot make a wish, a wish for a person to be happy, and knowing that the wish would come true?I feel so helpless, and the feeling of helplessness destroys me, it breaks me down bit by bit, saying that if you are not a superhuman, if you cannot change this persons life, then you are unworthy.Isnt there anything I can do? Can´t I do some magic?No....I am just a dot....a small dot on a white paper, hardly noticable, uncapable of having any meaning.

Confusing what is real..
2007-11-04 12:40:00
crawling in my skinthese wounds they will not healfear is how I fallconfusing what is realthere's something inside me that pulls beneath the surfaceconsuming/confusingthis lack of self-control I fear is never endingcontrolling/I can't seemto find myself againmy walls are closing in(without a sense of confidence I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)I've felt this way beforeso insecure
More About: Real

Alcoholism and Co-dependency
2007-11-04 09:04:00
One of the biggest reason that the person around the alcoholic becomes co-dependent is because the alcoholics usually have a very strong tendency to blame all of their problems on the ones around them. "You made me feel bad, now it is your fault that I am going to drink", "You are selfish, it is your fault I drink", "No, I am not the one with a problem, YOU are", "You were not there for me, that is why I drink", etc.Denial is the sister to co-dependency. The person living with one with the sickness wants more than anything for the person to open her or his eyes so that he or she can see her/his own problems and maybe take some action into solving them. When the denial in the sick person stays strong, the other person might start doubting her or himself, maybe the alcoholic is right? Maybe it is me? Maybe it actually is my fault? Maybe if I change myself I can get him/her to stop drinking? At that point you have given yourself powers that you don´t have. You have taken a responsibi...
More About: Alcoholism

First Al-Anon meeting
2007-11-02 20:29:00
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting.....I got a shock. I was overwhelmed with feelings of panic, anxiety and fear. There were quite a few times when I thought, No, I can´t stand this anymore, I have to leave. I felt like I did not belong there and right now everything feels so surreal.I am still in shock, this was not what I had excpected. I imagined me sitting there, calmly listening to others, feeling a serenity for not being alone anymore, but instead, I wanted to run away. I guess it was all those repressed feelings coming up to the surface. I was back in the past, and back in the sickness of alcoholism and co-dependecy. We were a few people who were new and one of the girls who was new left in the middle of everything, I wonder if she felt the same panic as I did...?Still, I know theese feelings has always been there. I have felt them in relationships when I have felt afraid of abandonment or not being good enough. I have mixed up those feelings quite a lot with the present fe...
More About: Meeting

Suffering
2007-11-01 19:00:00
I suffer because I don´t want to loose you,I suffer because I want you to be ok.I suffer because I can´t find a solution,I suffer because you don´t belive in my love for you.I suffer because you suffer,I suffer because I love you so much.I suffer because I can´t save you,I suffer because I am not enough.I suffer because of the dream of a future were we both are happy,I suffer because I am afraid....
More About: Suffering , Erin

I think I discovered my recipie
2007-10-31 20:50:00
I think I have discovered my recipie to heal.suitable amount of doses of Al-Anon (of course I need to go to one first to see if it is worth it) for learning that I am not alone in the world and there are other people who understand me and what I have been trough.1 dose of sorgearbete (The Grief recovery Institute) to let go of my mother.Allow yourself to mourn, remember to enjoy life at the same time and discover yourself. Bake yourself in warm weather (but don´t burn yourself) and allow your self too cool off and stabilize and the Pifflan bun is done! ;)
More About: Reci

Quiet
2007-10-15 22:17:00
It has been quiet on my blog for a while. Mostly because I have had a lot to do but also because I haven´t felt the need to write. I feel that my blog at this point has fulfilled most of its purpose. I am not saying that I am going to stop writing or that this will be the end of my blog, but it kind of feels like I have been on the top of the hill and now I am slowly moving on to next one.My main purpose with my blog was to be heard, and that need has been fulfilled (thank you all who has read my story so far!)Anyway, life has been busy, with the new job, guests from Germany visiting during the weekend, workout, relationship and friends.But I´ll keep on posting, my "project" won´t be done until the end of the year anyway :)
More About: Quiet

Stonewall
2007-10-08 22:37:00
Today I can´t really write about what I would like to write about.That is why the only thing I will say is:It is hard to be there for a stonewall.
More About: Tone

more work...
2007-10-06 16:29:00
I have been pending between panic and exctasy the last few days. Why? Because of my work of course. That also seems to be the only thing I can think about and write about lately and maybe that is the problem?When I am at work and I am doing my tasks it is going well and I feel extatic, when I come home and when it is time to sleep in the night, I feel panic. I know I should not think too much, and I should just do it instead, wthout too much thinking, without too much hesitation, that is when things usually go the best. I think I think so much because I am not sure that I am ready for this challenge, I am not sure I want my work to be that big part of my life...but I guess we will see how this goes, if I can keep my weeks to around 50 hours a week, then it is ok, but if it will exceed that, I think it will definetly affect my lifequality too much.Anyway, this is the problem I have, I am afraid that my job will take control over my life and I don´t want that to happen. But once agai...
More About: Work

just....
2007-10-05 19:21:00
My mum definetly thought me the most valuable lesson I have ever gotten. She showed me how to NOT live my life, what to NOT do to become unhappy.Anyway, I am finally starting to realx after this hectic week. I am sitting on my sofa, under a dowblanket. I have watched TV for an hour and been eating some candy and potatoe chips and just pampered myself with whatever I want. Soon I will take a nice and warm bubblebath to really start the weekend, and later on I´ll watch a movie.Tonight it is MY evening and that feels SOO good.Later!

Priorities
2007-10-03 20:49:00
I have been so busy the last few days that I have hardly had time to read emails or blogs. Today after a quite hectic day at work, after vacuuming and while doing the laundry I finally had time to visit my blogfriends and just sit down and think.It is VERY exciting at work right now, and I LOVE the tasks I have to do. Project management is definetly my thing, lets just hope I will do it well. The downside is that I have not had any time for my friends and I think my BF might feel a bit neglected. There are quite a few people in the project office that have families and it is crazy to hear how they live their lives. They sit up and work until 2 in the morning because they need to take care of their kids in the evening, and then they get up at 7 o´clock the next morning again. I don´t think I could do that...I find it hard enough to have enough energy for work as it is....maybe this is a job I will only do right now, for a couple of years, and then I need to do something else when a...

Here we go...
2007-10-01 21:58:00
Today my low selesteem is GONE! It was officially announced to the organization that I am going to be the total project manager for this project, and I am SO excited to start running MY project :) I know there will be bumps in the road, but I am visioning success and I think it will turn out ok.The real deal starts tomorrow!I also want to share the song "Learning to fly" by the genious Pink Floyd. It represents my life..." There's no sensation to compare with thisSuspended animation, a state of blissCan't keep my mind from the circling skiesTongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I"

Mum, Dad, Me, Apologies....
2007-09-29 11:01:00
When my mum was still alive (but at that point already really sick) she had a sane moment which I maybe did not give her enough credit for. I remember that I was so shocked with her selfawarness and her sincere words that I did not know what to say, and today I feel a little bit bad about that. She said: "I know I haven´t been the best mum to you. I realize that by being extremly controlling and telling you what to do, all from what socks to wear to how to behave, I have been hurting your selfesteem. I am sorry about that, but I just wanted what was best for you, but now I have realized that what I did was wrong." When whe told me that, I said nothing and just walked away, like they always did to me....The days before she died she was very hostile against me, and she did not hear me when I said I loved her for the first time. I have been stuck with that emotion and felt like we did not get a closure. But I haven´t remembered the apology I just wrote about....maybe that is the memo...
More About: Polo , Logi

Low selfesteem
2007-09-28 22:24:00
Today has not been a very good day.First of all, my Love is being threatend by this psycho, and I wish I could do something to help him, but I can´t. I wish I could make the psycho go away, but I can´t.Second of all, the last few days I have been working my ass off to clean up other peoples messes and mistakes to be able to hold an extremly tight deadline. I have been doing my own tasks while trying to set evrything else right with information that I have gotten way past the deadline. Around 4pm today I got an angry call that one of my own responsibilities was done in the wrong way, and I was told that I needed to straight it up right away. I felt like crying, and I felt really upset, but I corrected my mistake.After this I just felt worhtless. I know that everybody has a lot to, and quite a few people don´t know the processes because they are new, so they make mistakes. I also know that many people consider this the normal way of working, and I know many has way more stress than...
More About: Esteem

Project!
2007-09-27 20:48:00
I got my own multimillion kronor worth project!! :)I feel quite confident about it as one of my co-workers, who I admire the most of the projectmanagers will be my mentor. I definetly want to be as good as him (although I will never be as smart ;)) I don´t know yet when I will start the project, but I think it will be next week.Tomorrow we are also going to see Circue du Soleil with my Love, I am REALLY looking forward to that although I got a bit afraid that I will get disappointed. I read that the focus will not be on acrobatics but on the music in this piece...but we´ll see, I have never seen Circue du Soleil before, so I think it will be good :)(Picture taken from http://www.cirquedusoleil.com)
More About: Project

Baggage
2007-09-26 21:13:00
I started thinking about this post in the morning. It was the inner child talking, telling me that I am crap, that I scare off everybody I have a relationship with, that I am too jealous, that nobody can seriously love me, and everybody are just pretending that they like me. Sometimes, I am so caught up in this emotion that I really belive it is true, and when I am there, it is very hard to reach me.I caught myself damaging my relationship with my Love yesterday. I got jealous of something I had created in my own head and my Love was completly innocent, but still I blamed him for something that was just in my head. About 15 min after it had happend I realized what I had done, I just wish that I could catch myself before I get sucked into the emotion, and before I damage what I value so high.This is what I hate the most about having been wrongly programmed when growing up. It is still affecting me, and maybe it will affect me my whole life. I hate that I have to struggle to break pat...
More About: Baggage

Life Script
2007-09-25 22:31:00
Belove is an interesting text that I got sent to me from a friend of mine. It is about lifescripts, how we define roles for ourselves, and get scared when we are not playing our role....how does your lifescript look like?How fixed beliefs define our roles:Our fixed beliefs define the roles we play in life and have a lot to do with the scripts that are running them. Just as actors follow a play's script for lines, actions and attitude, we follow life scripts according to what our fixed beliefs tell us. Are you telling yourself that you are a tragiccharacter or heroic character? Are you playing the loving mother, abusive husband, frustrated artist or successful businessman?Why scripts are dangerous:Whatever your fixed beliefs are, you have practiced your script for so long that you believe what it says about you and your potential. This is why life scripts are dangerous. We begin to perceive them as being set in stone. We even allow them to shape the way we expect things to ...
More About: Life , Script

Nothing interesting
2007-09-24 21:39:00
I am sooo tired. This was a good weekend, but it made me tired.On saturday evening my friend had a birthday party. It was nice hanging out there with all her gay friends :) Later in the evening we went out dancing and that was so much fun! I did nothing else besides danced and let me tell you, I was not dry when I went home. I was so sweaty that it looked like a drowned cat! But it was worth it, dancing out all the negative energy.On sunday evening me and the birthday girl went to see the swedish comedian Jonas Gardell. I really liked the show, although I thought that the one I saw a couple of years was better, but we still got a good laugh :) (picture taken from www.sundsvall.nu)
More About: Interesting , Eres

Symbiosis
2007-09-22 10:59:00
NOTE: This topic is still confusing for me, and I am not sure I was able to write my thoughts down very clearly. It is a very personal text, and it might be hard to understand for an outside person. This text is just a part of my process to try to understand myself.I have been a bit naive...I had this image in my head where I was a stonewall as a teenager, having a rough time living with my alcoholic mother, but not letting her get under my skin. I had an image in my head that my personality was not affected by my mother and that now as a grown up, I just have some moorning and accepting to do, nothing else. WRONG!My mother was extremly controlling and she had a very unhealthy way of showing love. I was everything to her, and she constantly kept clinging on to me, she could not let me be free mentally, even if I was more free than ever physically. She kept on blaiming me, for years and years, that I was not close enough with her, that I was´nt talking enough with her, that she wa...

Sleeping
2007-09-21 12:23:00
Sleeping...I have problems with falling asleep nowadays, unless it is dark, extremely quiet and cold in the room. I also wake up very easily during the night.When I was a kid, I was not able to sleep until my mum had gone to bed. I used to listen to every sound I heard behind my closed bedroom door. (I have written about this before, but I need to write about it again to figure out why I still am so sensitive for noises when I am about to sleep) She was hardly ever very noisy, but I used to hear every little step she made, and I even learned to hear on the sounds how drunk she was. I could hear it on the way she pored her a drink, in the way she opened a bottle, in the way she sat down on the couch, in the way she opened the cabin doors. These are the sounds that I listened after and with the door closed, it was definitely no high sounds we are talking about.I used to get up maybe two or three times and ask her to come to bed, and she usually stumbled into bed around 3 or 4am, then ...
More About: Sleeping

I´m still standing!
2007-09-19 21:21:00
I went to my dance class today again. We danced to the old Elton John song "I´m still standing". That song means so much to me. I know it is about a broken heart, but for me, the song has always been about still standing in life and being a winner in life despite everything. For me it is a very powerful song, and it was perfect to dance to it today. I am amazed how my life is at the moment, with the possible promotion, my love, my friends, my home, everything!I am just so happy that I am still standing, and not just standing, I am dancing! :)PS. check out the hilarious video from the 80`s :)"Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever didLooking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid! "
More About: Standing

Maybe, maybe....
2007-09-19 10:36:00
“I am so excited, and I just can’t hide it, I am about to loose control and I think I like it!” :)Sometimes work can be so fun. :) I have wanted to have a promotion to move to another position for quite a while, and I actually have known that this is the position I want, ever since I started working here. Today my new boss came and talked to me, and told me that she needs me to help her to put out an ad for my current position, and that as soon as we have a new person here, I will get a promotion! :)I will be handling projects in this global company I am working in, worth nine figured numbers in euros, it is scary, but it is exciting! I can’t believe that this might actually be happening, and I don’t want to scream Yippee before everything is set, but I still need to let out a small YAY, right now, but I don’t want to jinx everything....so let’s keep it cool..... ;)

Virgin school
2007-09-18 12:44:00
Yesterday I watched a documentary on TV about a Virgin School . I was chocked that such a thing exists, but when I heard it is located in Amsterdam I was not as surprised. When we visited Amsterdam in the spring, we did of course also visit the red light district and let me tell you, the people in Amsterdam defiantly has a very different approach to sex than we have, and they are WAY more liberal than we are.Anyway, I tried to watch the documentary with an open mind, and yes, it is probably good that a man can learn to face his fears about sex and get a chance to loose his virginity if he wants. Yes, I guess it is good that the women doing it are warm women that make him feel comfortable. But I think most of the people watching the documentary did find it a bit repulsive and probably quite a few started thinking about incest and got very uncomfortable watching it.I guess I am writing this post in order to try to sort out my own thoughts about the documentary, but it is really hard. ...

Palm reading
2007-09-17 13:56:00
Yesterday evening me and my BF where cuddled up on my bed and where just feeling cozy together. Suddenly he got the idea to start doing palm reading on each other. We got the instructions on how the read palms from a book that I have with a lot of short and random information about everything.Some of the stuff where accurate and some a bit less accurate, but apparently we are both going to die a sudden death for example (AIKS!!). Anyway, that was not the most interesting part of the palm reading. Apparently the left hand is supposed to show you your past and the right hand your future. My left hand showed me bad luck and a short life, while my right hand shows me the opposite!! Even if I don’t believe in this stuff so much, I still find it symbolic that this is what my hands are telling me about my life. Now I feel like I have proof, or something, (or whatever) that even if you get a rough start in life, it can still turn out well in the future. :)I am not the kind of person that ...
More About: Reading , Palm

Flying high
2007-09-16 21:09:00
(picture copied from www.liveit.se)My friends arriving at midnight was a good beginning for saturday. We sat up until 3am and drank red wine, ate good cheeses and just talked until we were so tired that we had to go to bed.On saturday we spent the whole day shopping which also was very pleasent for that day and I bought som new stuff that I feel are kind of Parisian style during the fifties. The evening was still even more relaxing, with a movie, some more wine and potatoe chips. My boyfriends dog was our little princess during the evening and she kept us entertained. :)I also got another birthday gift, from my friends from back home, a tandem flight from Live it!! I am a little bit scared of doing it, but at the same time I feel that it is time to challenge myself again, so I am going to do it....:) Let´s see if the weather will be good enough to fly during this part of the year or if I will have to wait until the spring. I am excited about it though!! Another adventure, Yippii!! :)
More About: Flying , High

My blog personality
2007-09-14 22:54:00
I had a nap and now I am feeling a bit better. This should not even be a "one of those days" as my cousin and an old childhoodfriend are coming to visit me from Finland today. But they are arriving closer to midnight, so they will start the better day of tomorrow. :)I have had a discussion the last few days with a couple of people about if my blog shows who I really am. For the ones that doesn´t know me I can say partly yes and partly no. I am writing quite a lot about the negative stuff, that is not something I talk as much about, my blog is my place to vent the negative memories and feelings in. My blog does not really show the "grown up me", my personality or how I interact from day to day with people. But my blog is showing a lot more of the inner child, trying to find her place in the world. The grown up part of me is partly shining trough in my blog, but not that strongly, and that is a choice I have made for my blog. Maybe the grown up part will take a bigger place in the ...
More About: Blog , Personality , Sona , Ality

One of those days
2007-09-14 20:11:00
This has been one of those days that everything feels ten times worse than it really is. One of those days when you have no energy and it feels like a challenge to move the mouse to the computer when surfing on the internet. One of those days when it is raining outside and you know that the fall is here, and you feel the cold wind blowing those raindrops in your face. One of those days when you seem to start arguing with the ones you love because you feel it is such a frustrating day. One of those days....
More About: Days

Some more thoughts about closure.
2007-09-12 16:50:00
I have to say that I have a really hard time to accept that I might never get a real closure. I wanted to wash up my dirty laundry, my dirty hands and my dirty body and just go on as clean and spotless, without the ugly, dirty past. I understand now that my wants has not been realistic. Some of the stains will always be there and I have to accept that on my favourite white summerdress, there will always be a stain on the chest, I can never get rid of it. I might get a scarf that will cover the stain from other peoples eyes, but I will always see it myself.I guess the stains gets smaller and lighter by time, and that is a relief, but I am still grieving not having a spotless body and soul. It is a question of acceptance, I know that. I want to get to the point where I feel that acceptance, I just need to find the road that leads me there....
More About: Thoughts , Closure

Humanity
2007-09-11 16:38:00
Humanity, a forgotten trait?The care for depressed and mentally ill people has been heavily criticized here in Sweden. A lot of people do not get the help they need. A couple of months ago I saw a documentary about some young women who were depressed and they were talking about how they had been trying to get help, but just got the cold hand. The only way they could get help was by attempting suicide. I can’t even start to explain how terrible that documentary made me feel.Lately I have been involved in a discussion where we are talking and partly deciding about a person’s wellbeing and future. The outcome of the discussion will depended on the determining person’s willingness to help, willingness to make an effort and willingness to not choose the easy way just because her strength after many years of fighting against byrocracy might be gone. But will she remember that it is still a living human being that needs help that she is making decision on? Or has the humanity she onc...
More About: Humanity

nothing
2007-09-10 22:28:00
I was laying here on my couch, cuddled up in a corner and just feeling relaxed after the dance aerobics today. I was going to write a nice post about today and the reflections and thoughts I have had today, but then blogger stopped co-operating with me, and my inspiration disappeared.Anyway, the learning from today is that people are usually very co-operative as long everybody are striving for a win-win situation.Over and out.