A Creature From This World

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Closure?
2007-09-08 13:06:00
I am reading this book called "Bad Childhood, Good Life" by Dr Laura Schlessinger as a part of my personal project to let go of the past. There are a lot of good things in the book and I would like to quote something from the book that is about closure:"Although some people would define closure as getting a "I am sorry, I was wrong" from the offendig party, closure for me is defined as the decision to stop obsessing about my childhood and expecting something to happen to make everything better."The book is also talking a lot about that no matter what circumstances you came from or currently live in, you are ultimately responsible for how you react to them. I feel like I am taking responsibility, and I have actually built up a pretty good life despite my past. What I however noticed is that I do wait for closure in form of an apology or whatever to just make everything better. This is the part I need to work on, I need to learn to move on and realize that moving on is going to be my ...
More About: Closure

Ashamed
2007-09-07 21:53:00
I realized something today. I am still ashamed of my past. Yesterday I gave my blogadress to a couple of my relatives and that is why I panicked. Without knowing it I felt like now all the whispers are going to start about that weird girl. The talk about the awful things that she writes about and how shameful it is. The weird looks the next time I see them and maybe they will not want to talk to me.Intellectualy I know (or at least almost) that this is not true, but I still define myself from my past. I still see myself as the past.I have been crying in my BF´s arms tonight and it just helps to feel the sorrow for the past, to feel the sorrow for the child that did not understand what was going on in the world. I was able to cry and feel that sorrow with his arms around me. One more step on the way....
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Blogging, 21st century version of group therapy?
2007-09-07 13:57:00
The last few days I have felt such a strong feeling of relief for having my blog and my blogfriends who support me. I started thinking about the background in blogging and about when it all started. Rebecca Blood has written an interesting article about the history of blogs. Did you for example know in 1998 there were just a handful of sites of the type that are now identified as weblogs (so named by Jorn Barger in December 1997)? Rebecca Blood also talk in her article about how she started valuing her own point of views more by blogging.Another interesting point she has, is how bloggers get engaged in eachothers lives, and get strength and improved selfesteem from being heard and having an honest interactive disussion about their lives with other bloggers.As said in an article by abcnews: Blogging is a 21st century version of group therapy. I definetly find blogging as part of my therapy to heal and I can definetly say that it is helping me. So many times, people feel alone in thei...
More About: Therapy , Group , Version , Century

"Finally you are taking care of yourself"
2007-09-06 16:03:00
Lilltanten wrote a comment to me that really caught me unguarded. She wrote a lot of good things about my last post, but one part of it really got me to stop and rethink. Roughly translated she said: " I would not say that you are selfish, in what you do, I would rather see it is as maturity and consideration. Fina lly you are taking care of yourself" It took me quite a while to really suck in what she said. In my mind I am very selfish for writing all this stuff in my blog. I feel selfish for just talking about me and about things that has been and how those things has affected me. The last post was for me very selfish and I still feel that it should erase it in consideration for my dad (who by the way does not drink at all anymore) and because it is a memory that should not exsist and I don´t have the right to feel anything about.But I don´t want to pretend that everything has been ok in the past anymore. I want to do what Lilltanten said, show maturity and consideration to MYSEL...
More About: Care , Taking , Ally

The horrible memory
2007-09-04 21:15:00
I guess it is time to write about the memory that I have been avoiding, it even beats "the wedding"I was maybe 14 of 15 years old....It was a saturday night and my mum and dad was out for the evening. I was also out but came home around 1am and my parents were still not at home. Like always I could not sleep because they were not safely in their beds. Around 4am I hear my dad coming home. He is drunker than I have maybe ever seen him. I ask him where mum is, and he just starts crying and says he doesn´t know. He goes out on the balcony and sits there crying. I am starting to panic and I start to get dressed because I figure I have to go out and look for her, but at the same time I don´t want to leave my dad alone.Then the doorbell rings, I open the door and there is my mum with our neighbours who are also extremely drunk. She can not stand neither walk. She stumbles in and is hanging on the coats in the hall to keep standing. Then my dad comes in from the balcony and before I know...
More About: Memory

8 things
2007-09-03 21:37:00
My bloggfriend Lilltanten sent me a challenge to tell 8 things you don´t yet know about me, so let´s see...1.Well, first of all most of the facts can be found in my post "I am a survivor". (I don´t know too many other people that have a hole in their head for example) So that can be the number one fact.2.When I get really upset I beat up my bed and scream into my pillow3.During the weekends I quite often eat chocolate for breakfast :)4.I grew up in a small town with 10.000 people. When I was a kid, I seriously belived that the town was the capital of Finland :)5. I am afraid of ghosts and spirits. Last night for example I woke up in the middle of the night and I was certain I was not alone and I kept hearing noices in the apartment all the time. I lied awake for more than an hour. Today I spoke with one of my workmates who told about a friend of hers that have had an even more horrific experience. She was alone in her boyfriends house and suddenly she heard the door into the hous...
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My 30:th birthday
2007-09-02 11:09:00
Not taking into consideration one minor incident, my birthday was awesome! First of all, have you ever seen this big of a birthday bouqet of flowers before? I got 30 flowers for my 30th birthday from my BF. And if it is not obvious in the picture, I can tell you that we had to use my laundrybasket as a vase because they would not fit anywhere else. :)The day was spent with my relatives who where here over the day from Finland. We had a very pleasent day with strolling around in the city, sitting in Kungsträdgården and just enjoying the last of the sun and then going back to my place for som eating and drinking. Even my amazing 85 year old grandmother came along, although she was very tired which is understandable.During the whole day I was wearing my wonderful knitted witner dress that I bought for my birthday, I like the dress more and more.In the evening all the other guests arrived and I have to say that 25 people in 30m2 makes the furniture and floor to disappear, you just saw...
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30 years of life experience
2007-08-31 16:10:00
So tomorrow at 9.10am I will be 30 years old. Six of my relatives are coming from Finland to celebrate my birthday and later in the evening about 25 of my friends will squeeze into my 34m2 apartment, guess if it is going to be crowded? :)Sitting at work and just got interrupted from my workmates who sang for me and gave me a fine bottle of wine. I told them that I am moving over to their side, to "the other side" :). I also told them that when I come back to work on Monday I will be a changed person, with wrinkles and gray hair and very serious.....NOT!!Well, life will be as good if not better on "the other side", so I am just going to keep on enjoying and tomorrow it will PARTY, PARTY from morning to evening :)
More About: Life , Experience , Years , Peri , Erie

Heard
2007-08-30 20:31:00
There is a memory that I have that I have meant to write down for about a few months now. I thought I would write it down today, but then decided to wait until after my birthday.Anyway, Torrdocka wrote a post today (in swedish) that moved me a lot. She said some things that I would have wanted to hear from my mum while she was still alive, but my mum got "deaf" from the alcohol and could not hear what people were telling her, she only heard her own paranoid voice.Still, reading what Torrdocka wrote made me feel such a relief. Maybe because my mum could never see my dad´s and my side, she could only see herself. Torrdocka, who is a recovering alcoholic heard me, and in some ways it almost felt like my mum heard me. For me it is a enormous relief that a woman who knows what it is to be a slave to alcohol hears what I am saying. MY voice is heard, it has a meaning what I am saying and I am not just talking to a wall, like it felt so many times in my childhood.Tack Torrdocka!

Shoes
2007-08-29 22:33:00
I have never been a shoe person, although that trait seems to be increasing with age. :)Today I was sitting and waiting for the subway and I started looking at peoples shoes without looking at anything else. It was actually extremely interesting, because so many times I felt like the shoes did not fit the person who was wearing them or the oufit they where wearing.I saw a pair of shoes and thought it was a young hip person, then I looked at the outfit and I got a bit more uncertain about the person, and as I saw the face it was not at all somebody who I imagined for those shoes. It felt like the shoes had their own lives, and maybe it is true that the shoes tells a lot about a person?I don´t think I actually ever before have looked at people from the bottom up, and just finding personalities in the shoes. It was interesting and a new experience for me :)
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More about routine...
2007-08-28 20:51:00
I am going to continue a bit on the topic routines. Yesterday I started to excersise again. I have had a summer "vacation"(the truth is I have been lazy) of three months and it felt SO good to do something with my body again. I did the dance aerobics class and it was so much fun. On thursday I will probably go and do some funk. So, I want to create another routine, do dance aerobics on mondays and funk on thursdays (I tried to this last year but for some reason it did´nt quite become a routine), or at least excersise twice a week. It is amazing how much more energy you get from getting a bit sweaty on a regular basis. And I do need some more energy, now I am more a couch potatoe than human....And one more routine that I might want to create. I would like to take a warm bubblebath and have a glass of wine on every friday evening, just to help me get into the weekendmood faster.Lets see how it goes :)

Routines
2007-08-27 11:52:00
It is strange, I just have a good feeling today, maybe it is because I realized that I have routines in my life that I actually like. As I have written before I have had a problem with routines, when life becomes that every day life with not too many changes or suprises I almost freak out. My last ten years has been filled with changes, and I have never worked in one place for longer than 7 months (this because most employments has been project based) and since I moved away from home, ten years ago, I have not lived in one place for longer than 1,5 years.I have soon worked at the same place for a year, and yes, I have felt the ants in the pants and that is why I have been applying for jobs, just to make sure I can get a change if I want to. But this weekend I realized that I love going to work every day, I love the fact that I have gotten good friends at work and that I know a lot of people there. There are actually other routines that I have that I like also, like when we are walki...

Underground trance
2007-08-26 11:52:00
Yesterday I went out to this underground tranceparty. Theese parties are a lot like the raves in the 1990´s and like most people think, there is a lot of drugs involved. I don´t do drugs myself but I still enjoy going to theese parties every now and then. The trance music is so hypnotizing and if you are stressed or in a bad mood or something it can feel really good to just let the beat move your body and dance away all the negative emotions. Analog pussies (on the picture above) were the "live act" at this party and I kind of liked the fact that there was not only a dj up there but it was a bit more of a perfomance to watch.I do find it appealing to every now and then experience this subculture because is so very far away from the enviroment and the people I am working with every day. I feel that my work enviroment is the very essence of what people are supposed to do in society and most of the people seemes to be formed by the society, and don´t feel any reason to challenge the...
More About: Trance , Underground , Tran

I keep on
2007-08-23 22:29:00
I keep on paying a debt that I don´t have,and I keep on punishing myself for something I did´nt do.I keep on feeling that I am not enough,and I keep on saying I need to try more.I keep on being afraid of loosing,and I keep on forgetting myself for others.I keep on beliveing that I am not worth to love,and I keep on thinking I need to be better.I keep on crying because I can never win,but I still keep on trying....I don´t know how long I can keep on anymore....

Jaada, jaada
2007-08-23 15:07:00
Well, the interview went very well yesterday. He was mainly looking for a person who is "driven, smart and has charm" Apperantly he thought that is what I am (for some strange reason). Yesterday I wanted to change job, today I don´t. I feel like I don´t want to change jobs unless it is clearly better than the one I have now, and I am not sure this one is. Anyway, I don´t think I am going to change jobs. I enjoy my workmates that I have right now and it would be good for me to just calm down a bit and try to stay in one place for a bit longer. :)Had a nightmare last night. I dreamt that I was shopping stuff for my birthday and I got caught by the police and thrown into jail. I knew my BF was waiting for me and the guests were also arriving. I was feeling so stressed because I could not tell them were I was, I could not shop the things I wanted, I was´nt able to get to my party in time and I was uncertain when I was going to get out of jail. Hmmm...I guess I am feeling a bit unset...

PMS
2007-08-22 09:31:00
I hate PMS. I can´t say that I am the type of woman that suffers alot from it, but sometimes I get the physical and mental pain before that time of the month. Today is one of those days, not having the physical pain but having the mental unstability and somebody saying just hello to me might get me so annoyed that I feel like boiling or hitting someone. You know how the irritation can just flow over you like a wave. It starts around your stomach and then spreads to the rest of your body and it is like your whole body is shaking because you know the irritation is unreasonable but the feeling is still there, stronger than ever. And I have a jobinterview today. I don´t even know if I want to change a job or if I am interested in the job. This is not a good day for me (or the ones around me)

50 great things about life
2007-08-21 19:32:00
How wonderful wouldn´t it be, if you would always remember how good simple things in life can feel....This will make you happy:Do you remember how it feels to:1. Be in love2. Laugh so much that your stomach hurts3. Take a warm Bath4. Seeing the perfect sunset and smelling the summernight5. Get a special look from somebody and feel like you are the best in the world6. Get an e-mail7. Get an unexpected gift8. Hear your favourite song in the radio9. Lay on the bed and listen to the rain10.Feel a warm towel11.Find the shirt you want on sale12.Milkshake, chocolate or strawberry13.A hours long phonecall14.Travel somewhere far away15.Laugh so much that you cry16.Smell the flowers in the summer17.The way the sand feels between your toes on the beach18.Find money from the pocket of your old jacket19.Think that your own jokes are funny20.Get a phonecall from the one you love21.Run trough that thing that waters the grass22.Laugh without a reason23.Have friends that you can brag about to your ...
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