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A Creature From This World

A Creature From This World
This blog is about my life in Stockholm, my thoughts, my career and my childhood growing up with an alcoholic mother
Articles: 1, 2, 3, 4


I am beat....
2008-02-26 15:15:00
Today my whole body is aching and I feel like I am getting sick....I think it is because of the very intense last week.Not only did I once again have to make a new decision to say no to the manager position (although I am flattered that they called and asked me to reconsider) but 90% of our unit was sold to another company, and people were very upset with that. I belong to the remaining 10% who is staying on the original company, but for quite a while we did not know where we belong to. Then the week continued with the three day long grief recovery workshop, and I continued using the tools I have learned to grief some other people during the weekend, and now I am just beat.....I guess it is my body saying that I need to stop for a while, and that is what I am going to do. I am not going to train as I planned to, instead I am going to go home and take a long warm bath.
More About: Beat
Third day of grief recovery
2008-02-23 12:13:00
Yesterday it was the third day of the grief recovery workshop. It was the roughest day for my part as this day consisted of making a relationship chart over mine and my mother relationship, and also writing a fullfilment letter, that you can also partly call a goodbye letter. Reading the relationship chart was really hard, but reading the fullfilment letter actually made me feel like something was flying away from me. After I had read the letter I remember watching up to the roof and thinking she is free and so am I....I am not going to publish the whole letter as it was quite long, but I will publish the end of it here, the part of letting go:I want you to know, that despite everything I really miss you in my life and I wish that things could have been different. I want you to know that you were my security and the best person in the world when I was a little kid, I was just so mad at you for choosing alcohol instead of me, and that is something I am still sad about, but I forgive...
More About: Recovery , Grief
Second day of Grief recovery
2008-02-21 21:00:00
Today we presented our loss charts. A loss chart is a chart that shows the losses in your life. It was hard to tell about it to the other people in the goup and some losses definetly still hurts...Our second task was to imagine that you would die in an hour and you needed to write our last toughts before you would die. You also needed to write a letter to the ones left behind and here is my letter:Since I moved away from home, my life has become better and better. With theese words I dont want to make anybody feel guilty or punish anybody, it was nobodys fault how things were. We were all unhappy in my family home and it is is better for all of us, as things are now. The meaning of life is to be happy, and that is why everything happend just the way it was supposed to happen. With this I want to say that don´t lock yourselves into a selfmade prison to which only you have the key to. If you feel that you have to punish yourself for something you have done, then look at yourselves, l...
More About: Recovery , Grief
First day of Grief Recovery
2008-02-20 22:22:00
Today was the first day of the grief recovery workshop ( I am attending.This day was not that hard as it consisted mostly of lectures, but there were som tragic lifestorys that were shared with the group. One woman for example is there because her 14 year old daughter committed suicide without any warning, and there was a lot of people who has lost their loved ones to death.Tomorrow and on Friday we are going to work more on our own grief and we are also going to choose a person that we are going to mourn. I am guessing mine will be my mother although there are two more candidates that needs closure, but I will probably take them at a later point.Right now I am just feeling sad, but that is part of the process.....
More About: Recovery , Grief
Winter beauty
2008-02-17 22:43:00
I was home in Finland during this weekend to attend a wedding. Once again I was feeling reliefed once I was on my way back home to Stockholm. But I was struck by the beauty of my hometown. When living there as a kid I never realized what a oasis I was living in, I did not see the beauty of the sea and the archipelago and I did not feel the peacefulness in the town.There is a major difference from the buzzling Stockholm and this sleeping summertown, which is taking its beautysleep during the wintertime to be at its best during the summertime. Still....for me there is more under the surface than what is showing, the icecold sleep is hiding old memories from the past, memories that cannot be erased....
More About: Beauty , Winter
2008-02-12 22:15:00
I got a challenge from Maria, and it is a long time since I did one the last time, so here we go:What did you do ten years ago?I lived in a small town in south of Finland, studied and lived a decadent life. Those days are now gone (lucklily!)What did you do a year ago?I celebrated that it was a year since I moved to Stockholm and felt happy that I had finally made the decision to move here. It really feels like my home :)Three kind of candy you like?Sura remmar, turkish pepper and chupachops lollipopsThree songs that you know all the words to?Hmm....Enternal flame with Bangles, Chiquitita with Abba and....Touch me with Samantha Fox. All those old goodies ;)What would you do if you were a millionare?I would spend my time working with trying to give away money to places needed, or have different projects to build schools etc. Then I would also have a home in the Fiji Islands, Sydney and somewhere in the Caribbean....and some other stuff here and there :)Three bad habits?I like eating ...
More About: List
Reflections on the meaning of life
2008-02-10 10:27:00
I was a little bit "under" a average person as a kid coming from a lower middleclass family.As a teenager I was a average person, although in the top of the class for three years (although that was not hard in the class I was in :))Now I know I have experienced a lot more than a average person in my age and before I die I want to be this wise old grandmother that shares love, peace and wisdom with the loved ones around her.I guess that is the meaning of my life, growing as a person and becoming happier and wiser. But it is not the goal, it is the road that is important, otherwise my life would have no meaning
More About: Life , Reflections , Meaning , Meaning of life
Saying No.
2008-02-07 19:39:00
I did the whole day management assesment today and I decided that I am not going to take the position as a manager.I feel like I am not ready for it yet, and I would probably be able to do it, but I feel the chances for a burn out would be very big.Saying no is also a strength ;)
3:rd step in jobinterview
2008-02-04 12:34:00
OMG! The next step is to have a whole day management assesment with interviews, IQ test, perosnality test, motivation test and role playing. I don´t feel like I am ready to become a manager and I guess that will show up in the test, but it is definetly going to be an interesting experience with some good feedback....wish me luck...or something :)
More About: Step
2:nd interview
2008-01-30 21:06:00
Tomorrow I have the second interview for the manager position that I dont even know if I want....the funny/weird thing is, that he is coming over to my workplace to meet me, instead of me going there....I guess it is a good sign ;)
More About: Interview
Fine wine
2008-01-30 10:46:00
"I am like a fine wine, the older I get, the better I get!""You Learn", Alanis MorissetteI recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyoneI recommend walking around naked in your living roomSwallow it down (what a jagged little pill)It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)Wait until the dust settlesYou live you learnYou love you learnYou cry you learnYou lose you learnYou bleed you learnYou scream you learnI recommend biting off more then you can chew to anyoneI certainly doI recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any timeFeel freeThrow it down (the caution blocks you from the wind)Hold it up (to the rays)You wait and see when the smoke clearsYou live you learnYou love you learnYou cry you learnYou lose you learnYou bleed you learnYou scream you learnWear it out (the way a three-year-old would do)Melt it down (you're gonna have to eventually anyway)The fire trucks are coming up around the bendYou live you learnYou love you learnYou cry you learnYou lose you learnYou bl...
More About: Wine , Fine
Love, The Greatest Gift
2008-01-29 22:05:00
I am just human, I am not God, I can´t save anybody else, I can´t change anybody else, I can´t carry anybody else, but still, I am not useless, I have the greatest gift of all to give: Love .Love, The Greatest Gift Kathy Gandy Though I may speak in other tongues and the future I may see. If the gift of LOVE I do not have, what good would all this be? If I had the gift of faithand every mountain I could move;But never had LOVE for my fellowmanthen what would this faith prove? If I gave everything I have awayto the poor who do without,But I never showed LOVE for anyonewhat would I have to boast about? The gift of LOVE is patientThe gift of LOVE is kindThe gift of LOVE is never proudand this gift I seek to find! The gift of LOVE holds no grudgeand it keeps no record of wrong.The gift of LOVE never loses faithand it's sure to make us strong. The gift of LOVE will last foreverand like the others it won't disappear.The gift of LOVE will never ceaseit's a gift that's always...
2008-01-29 12:48:00
I have been thinking a lot about happiness lately. Mostly I think about it in the mornings when I wake up, because for some reason, the bad things always comes first into my mind when I wake up. I don´t want to have that kind of a start of the day. I would rather have happy thoughts when I wake up, or maybe not even happy, but at least just neutral and peaceful thoughts.I definetly belive that happiness and satisfaction comes from the inside, of course outside factors affects you, but that is still not what rules you and your happiness, or it should´nt.It is a lot easier to look outside yourself for what can bring you happiness, because then you can remove the responsibility from yourself and you can blame other things for not being happy. But when I for example wake up, and the first thoughts I get into my head is the bad things, how can that be anybody elses responsibility but mine?I am going to work more on living in the moment, and worrying less about the future or the past. A...
More About: Happiness
A better day
2008-01-27 10:44:00
I am a lot less swollen today, I can bite in soft things, I can open my mouth more, I had a good nights sleep and the sun is shining.I feel a lot better today,after two terrible days... :)
2008-01-25 14:43:00
The surgery went quite well, it is now that it is starting to whole lower jaw on the left side feels numb and is thumbing. I cant open my mouth, bacuase if I do, some heavy bleading starts. It is starting to looking like I have a tennisball in my cheek and I have troubles swallowing. If move to fast I start feeling like puking. The worst thing is that they say that the second day is the worst..... :/This is one of those days when it really sucks to be single and not have a caring family.
More About: Toothache
2008-01-24 21:47:00
Tomorrow it is time for the surgery to remove my tooth....aiks! :/
Angel Dust
2008-01-23 13:11:00
Just a story that I wrote because I wanted to be creative. No morals in the story, and no hidden meaning , and not even a good story either :)Once upon a time, there was an angel hovering around in the dark space bumping into stars, laughing with the meteors and playing with the stardust floating peacefully around in the silent space.She was happy with her life, or she did not even realize that she had a life or was a living creature. The question is, if she even existed? One day she bumped into another angel, and she did not quite know what “it” was at first. “It” was a strange thing, shining like a star, looking translucent, having this aura around “it” that made “it” glow and had you drawn to “it”. She did not know what to do when she bumped into the angel and for the first time she realized she was something. She could not hover around by herself anymore because she had become a definition, in the connection with this other angel.The angels started floating a...
More About: Angel
2008-01-21 20:03:00
I had an interview for a manager position in my company today. I am not sure I even want to change job as I love the one that I have as a project manager, but we´ll see.Me and the interviewer got along very well, and the situation actually turned kind of weird when we started talking about that we both have alcoholic mothers and how it has affected us. The even funnier thing is that she was also the one that interviewed me when I first started working in the company where I work now. Anyway, when I left, she hugged me so I guess I made a good impression. :) She is however not going to be the one that is deciding about this position, so we´ll see....
More About: Interview
Lion dream
2008-01-19 10:21:00
I had a restless night last of my dreams was that Stockholm had been invided with lions that had escaped from the zoo. I watched from my window in my home how several people were bitten to death by the lions, and the blood was just flowing on the streets. The lions stared at me with hostility and roared. I live on the first floor in a house and I knew I wasnt safe. I felt a lot of fear, because I felt the lions were so unpredictable, I felt like if they wanted, they could just jump trough my window and eat me if they wished to. The dream was filled with fear and helplessness.I also had another dream, a dream about trying and failing again, but I am not going to go into that dream right now...
More About: Lion , Dream
Baby Deer
2008-01-18 09:46:00
I saw two baby deers cross the street on my way to work today. I live in the middle of Stockholm and seeing theese two babies looking all confused with their big brown eyes was a strange sensation. They were all peaceful and in no hurry. They were walking into the park just next to me and they made me smile. Can I see two baby deers on my way to work, then anything can happen :)NOTE: There is a forrest quite nearby, and I am sure they will be fine and find their way back there, at least that is what I tell myself :/
More About: Baby , Deer
2008-01-16 22:49:00
Found out today, that if my project does not deliver on time, all of the employees in my company (about 1000 people) will be without a about pressure!! :/
People in white jackets...
2008-01-16 21:03:00
I went to the doctors today where I had a VERY unpleasent examination, but I saw myself from the inside which was kind of cool....but I am happy that theese kind of examinations are the ones you make maybe once in a lifetime.Tomorrow it is time for the dentist again, not yet to have surgery on the tooth but life seems to be dominated by people in white jackets nowadays... :/
More About: People , Jackets , White
The dentist
2008-01-11 16:24:00
back to reality with a crash....or actually with the dentist.I guess I do have a real phobia when it comes to dentists....when I was a kid (around 8 years old), I hade 6 holes in my teeth, and 4 of them needed rootfilling, and the dentist did it without ANY anestisia!! It hurt so baad, and all she did was tell me to open my mouth some more and lie still.....My phobia seems to be getting worse day by day also, the tears were just falling down my cheeks and I could hardly breath today at the dentists, but I got trough it! The thing a couple of weeks I need to go there again and have a surgery to remove one of my teeth (don´t know what it is called in english....wisdomtooth? the ones that does not start growing until you are older?)Aiks! Anybody willing to come and hold my hand....? :/
More About: Dentist
sun is setting
2008-01-05 02:23:00
The sun is setting and my trip is coming to an end....Time has gone by so fast that I dont think that I have even realized that I have actually been in Panama....maybe a couple of more hours in the sun tomorrow, and then off I go, Back home....
Isla Taboga
2008-01-04 02:16:00
yep, I ended up leaving the beach I spent New Years at. I got some undercooked fish at the hotel for dinner, which I ended up throwing up the rest of the night, the food wad NOT good there (and yes, I know this might be too much information to some of you, but I still thought you needed to know ;))Iwanted to come to Tagora Island already yesterday, but the plane was delayed so I did not have a chance to catch the ferry. Luckily my Panamian family called me earlier during the day and wanted to see me beofre I went back home, so I spent the night at their house. They are a great family, and I got a Panamian flag from the dad when we said goodbye and he told me it was for me to remember my Panamian family, they are so sweet!Taboga island was the perfect second to last day stop. This is actually the first time during my trip that I feel like I even have had time to think and reflect. The day after tomorrow I will be on my way home (NOT looking forward to the 25 hour trip!) and I have ha...
monekys in the trees
2007-12-31 04:09:00
aaah....what a weekend. I have spent the weekend with the nudists and his brother and girlfriend out on an island. Yesterday we took a boat out to one of the unhabited islands and yesterday we have spent the day on the island we lived on. Sharon and I took a walk to the beach trough the jungle and suddenly we see some monkeys in the trees, and they were so cute, there was one baby with them and one of them had a even smaller baby on her stomach. We just watched them as they wer peacefully moving ahead in the trees. Last came the dad, and he had a different attitude, naive as we were, we continued watching him. he watched us....for a while, and then he starts making all theese noices and suddenly he is about to attack us! We freak out and dont know what to do, but start walking away from there and he stops. I have heard that monkeys can be really aggressive and I have even been bit by one in Thailand (and gotten 5 rabies shots) so I have respect for them. Anyway, we walk to our beach...
More About: Trees
2007-12-29 13:55:00
Well, I ended up to take the bus to David already yesterday. The nudist couple came and pick me up and I am now at the husbands brothers house in Boquette. It is a VERY nice place and it feels like a luxury hotel (might try to publish some pictures later)Today they are taking me to an island and we are staying there overnight, I am really looking forward to that. After theese couple of days, I think I will take a few days just for myself, I feel I need that before I go home, have'nt been suffering too much of loneliness while being here, but it has been great, and I can't belive I have met so many nice people who are just taking me everywhere :)See you in a couple of days!
Horrible night
2007-12-28 00:19:00
Yesterday I went to a beach to meet a couple of people I met in Contadora. We had a nice evening with some chatting and then it was time to go to bed. Everything was fine until I started hearing some strange noices, I wonder what it is, but don't think anything more about it. Then it continues and I turn on the lights and I see a mouse or a rat, I am not sure which it was as it was so big. I kind of freak about it, but think that it will go away. I leave the porch light on to have some light in the room and to be able to see what is going on. Maybe that was a mistake? I soon realize that I have at least three giant mice in my room, and maybe more. I turn on the lights and leave the lights on...I can tell you, that I did not get anymore sleep that night (and I paid 45 dollars for that room!!).Now I am back in the city again and I am struggling to find a place to live in during new year, I would not like to be in the city, but EVERYTHING else is fully booked, belive it or not. It is ...
More About: Night
My christmas
2007-12-25 19:37:00
I had a wonderful christmas. The family that I am staying with are so nice and they have so much love for eachother that some of it even gets to me :)We had this amazing christmas dinner yesterday with good meat, coconut rise with raisins, sweet plantana and an amazing cake. Of course we drank homemade sangria to the dinner. After dinner we waited for the fieworks to start and then it was time to walk around to all he neighbours and wish merry christmas. Before twelve o clock it is apperantly family time and after that it is party time. One of the neighbours had his big sound systme on his yard and he played very loud christmas music before twelve o clock and then it was time for samba and salsa music all night long :)Helping to cook dinner :)The wonderful christmas dinnerMy panamian family :)
More About: Christmas
Merry Christmas!
2007-12-24 23:36:00
So this is christmas....the christmas eve is already over in Scandinavia and I am feeling a bit nostalgic....Anyway, right now I am in a Panamaian home as they have invited me to spend christmas with them, without even knowing me. Apperantly christmas is not that big of a thing here in Panama and they all wait for the clock to be twelve o clock as they then can welcome christmas. Apperantly they also have fireworks on christmas night so they wait for that.The whole family is out buying food for dinner right now and I am here bymyself, having the first calm moment since I came here. A bit of sadness comes over me when thinking of past christmas eve, love, and past and future....Christmas has always been hard for me, but I have a few good memories from christmas also, and somehow those seem to be hurting the worst right now...Life is so strange sometimes and I guess this is just one of those days when you are extra sensitive to a lot of things.Anyway, hope you all had a good christmas...
More About: Merry Christmas , Merry
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